This is personal, but I share all, right?

Today, I have a lot of different things rolling around in my tired head. I'm tired because we didn't get to bed until way too late. Honestly, I don't know why I think it was way too late, when I don't have to get up at any particular time in the morning... not even to take the kids to school. The girl drives them now, and she loves it. It was too late though, because in my effort to keep a normal schedule (this translates into "in my effort to maintain my sanity"), I do get up early... I make my coffee, I take care of the dogs, I read the news, then I do stuff around the house, although my motivation to do stuff has diminished. Where is that OCD I've always depended on anyway?

Last night we went to karaoke night at our neighborhood restaurant. I've been wanting to go for quite some time because of all of the rumors I had heard. Overall... it was fun. We all got up and sang "Loveshack" by the B52's, with this amazing man who sounded just like the guy in the song, and I made a new friend. She's sweet, and she and I were the only sober ones at the table. I know I talk a lot about "self-medicating" with booze, but I don't do it all that often. When I discovered the 7-Up Zero I was putting in my Sangria for wine spritzers, had aspartame, I stopped drinking them. No wonder I was having headaches all the time. That was really the only thing I would drink at home, so now I'm purely a social drinker, with two being my limit. I can have fun without it... I'm a nut, so it isn't hard.

That being said... I don't like being around really "drunk" people. I don't like being bombarded by men coming onto me with all that liquor on their breath. I don't like watching wives drink their unhappiness away because their husbands are big jerks... then sobering up, and storming out because they've had it. I don't like making the waiter bring me water in shot glasses so the men who keep buying me shots will think I'm drinking right along with them. "It's Vodka," I say. I don't like the wife drinking the way she has been lately. I don't like trying to slow her down... mainly because she gets pissy when I do that, and I feel like a bump on a log. Don't get me wrong... she's not out doing this every day, and she's not way out of control. I just don't like it.

When we first met, she didn't drink at all, because way before I came long, she had a drinking problem. She was also unhappy, which made the problem even more of a problem. She hadn't had a drink for about 5 years when we met, and I liked that she didn't drink. Everyone I knew was a drinker, which never led to anything but trouble. Moving here, her early retirement, and I guess being swallowed up by the very influential environment, has changed the dynamics. She figures why not drink...

Last night I was very frustrated. The wife has started a new thing the past few times she's had many drinks. It's called... drama (within her own head). "I think I have lung cancer..." I say, then you need to stop smoking. "There is something wrong with me... " Spoken with all of the dramatics of a drunk person. I say, then you need to see a freakin' doctor. "I asked the Lord to forgive me for being a failure..." Okay... first of all, she never says "the Lord." I had to roll my eyes, and leave her sitting outside on her beautiful back porch, looking out at the lake, and her surroundings, which I guess in her drunk little head are reminders of failure? 


It goes on, and I'm not saying I don't have a little of that going on, myself. I do... case in point: Me- "The trees are so pretty..." The wife- "Yes, they're beautiful..." Me-"As beautiful as I am, right?" (said with a goofy look on my face) The wife- "Ummm, sure." Really not the way to answer that, but whatever. I'm just pointing out my own sh*t, when I'm sober. I don't need liquor for that.

After I worked past my frustrations, I asked her if her pain goes away when she drinks. Physical pain from the MS. She said it did. So what do you do? I know she hurts a lot... she's had a lot of weakness lately too... but it goes away when she drinks. Although in my head, this doesn't mean the drinking isn't exacerbating the MS. I know the drinking exacerbates the weight gain, which can exacerbate the symptoms... blah, blah, blah. That's what she hears when I say this stuff. She's so stubborn.

So, why am I putting this out here? I don't know... because it's real. Because I need to work my way through it, and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting with my "I don't like it" ways. Because life isn't always about my boredom and panic attacks, right?

I suppose I should wrap this up. The kids will be home from school early today, because Spring Break has begun! I guess I'd be more excited if we were actually doing something. Not doing something has been a serious issue for me because I'm already so crazy bored. We don't do things because the kids are in school... they have activities... we have dogs, and now a bird. Well, school is out. We have a great pet hotel for the dogs, and the vet can take the bird. I'll figure something out... even if the kids and I road trip it to Austin. My idea to put our finger on a map, and just go, was not met with wifely approval. I'm just happy the desire to do that kind of thing still dwells within me!! :)

Have a great day everyone!

You win some...

You lose some.

Although, I haven't lost anything. I'm just back in the bed again. Not due to lack of motivation on my part this time. The wife isn't feeling well, and she wanted me in here with her. The only thing I don't like about sitting in here while she's trying to sleep, is that the blinds are closed and it is such a beautiful day out. I'll make up for it later!

She was supposed to play tennis today, and I was going to get brave and go to the actual gym. I say "get brave" because I work out at home. I have everything I need for a variety of full workouts. I joined the gym to get out amongst people. Maybe find people to do my 5K's with me. Apparently I need to get myself out around people more, because I've become somewhat of a recluse... lots of thinking, not a lot of talking (well, I'd be talking to myself, which really isn't good), and some dread when it comes to walking into the gym and working out "next" to someone I don't know. It's silly!!!!

I'm not sure I'll be doing the Susan G. Komen 3-day. It makes me very sad, but the fact is, they've allowed politics to come between them and another organization geared toward helping women live healthier lives. I'm sure you've all heard the story somewhere. Politics... I hate politics, and religion... without those two things, I'm sure we'd have a peaceful world geared toward helping our fellow human beings.

Speaking of:
The girl is taking a leadership class at her school. This class is being taught by a woman who hasn't led a thing, and has never taught before. I'm not sure what her degree is in, but it's all I can do not to go up to that school after hearing the story I heard yesterday.

Apparently this teacher gave the students observation forms to fill out, ranking each other on different personality aspects, and allowing room for comments after each ranked topic. She then took the forms up, and proceeded to go over them with no anonymity given for each student. She left nothing out, and when she was done, she passed the observation forms to the named students. First of all... does anyone see a problem with this procedure. I agree, it's good for the kids to know "what they put in the universe" so to speak. I agree this gets them used to be evaluated by employers, but this wasn't based on work ethic, it was based on who they are, and they're still growing and maturing. It wasn't done by the teacher in a professional manner, and it wasn't kept anonymous as far as who said what about who. Plus, where is this teachers common sense? If she sees a student is being picked on, why would she continue to go over them in the classroom, and then hand them out. How is this creating leaders? Is she confusing bullying with leadership?

It makes me wonder... does this teacher know her students' history? Does she know she has a vulnerable student in there who has tried, in the past, to commit suicide. Does she know it's the most beautiful girl in the class, and that the boys picked on her because she doesn't want anything to do with them? Does she know the potential repercussions her actions could have on a young teen girl, who may happen to come across her evaluation in her binder, and continue to feel hurt over and over again? Does she know this girl wanted to go home after her class? Did she try to talk to her? I have no idea.

Rather than going up to the school, I talked to my daughter. I told her she was at an age in which she needed to stand up for her herself, and her friends. If no one likes this teacher... if her assignments single students out for bullying, then why not go in and talk to someone about it. *My own way of trying to create a leader who can have a positive impact. I was proud of her for the empathy and support she provided her friend. I've wondered at times, if the child possesses empathy, and yesterday she proved she does. Thank goodness... I guess I can count that as a win!

I better wrap this up. I just found out I need to come up with a "basket" idea for a silent auction that will be held at an annual event that benefits the school. No pressure here... THEN I have to go ask parents for contributions. I'm not really a fundraising type of person. I mean, didn't I just say, I talk to myself (I mean think to myself) more than I do other people? I may supply the whole "basket" myself and be done with it. I need ideas... what kind of basket would you bid big bucks on in a silent auction? They already have a movie night, and a game night. Hmmmm....

Random Acts of Something

If you've never heard of the organization, Random Acts of Kindness, you should look into it. It was started soon after 9/11, and has grown into a nationwide (maybe world wide?) volunteer organization. The wife, kids, and I have done quite a bit of volunteering through them in nursing homes, food pantries, and homeless shelters. I found the local "chapter" if you will, through meetup.com. This site has literally hundreds of groups to "join" for various reasons. All you have to do is enter your state and town, to see what comes up. They have groups that provide volunteer opportunities, but there are also support groups, and social groups. I like it because aside from the volunteer opportunities, it has running groups, teacher groups, small business groups, and a local Auburn Fan Club which has watching parties. I also like that it states emphatically on each groups page "This is not a dating site." They do have singles mixers and such, and will say so if that's what you're looking for, but it's nice to go do things without worrying about others "sizing you up" so to speak. I mean, even though I'm not looking for anyone, I'm still self-conscious about how I look, and being sized up only makes me more aware of my appearance. Ya know?

I'm talking about this organization for all the wrong reasons today though. On my daily trip to Starbucks, I pulled in to park, but umm, ended up having to back up, because there was no way I was going to be able squeeze in. Why? Because a car was parked obstructively. On the side of the care was a banner that read "Random Acts of Kindness.... perform one today."  I don't know... parking like that doesn't seem kind to me, and it sure makes me want to perform unkind acts, like upping my insurance so I can ram into them a few times. I'm just sayin'. So the wife can say I have no self control all day long... I didn't ram that car.

We were out and about a few weeks ago when we saw a school bus parked on the side of the road. On it was a banner that read "Need Bus Drivers-apply at blah blah blah." I told the wife I should apply!! I mean, that would have me out early while she's sleeping, and a couple of hours in the afternoon (I was joking). She laughed... "What?!?! YOU driving a bus... first of all, you could never maneuver between cars in that thing, you can't even pull my car into the garage." She then adds "Plus I can see you chasing down cars that pass you while your stop sign is out, yelling to the kids, 'Buckle up, we're going after 'em!!' Some kid would still be hanging onto the door because they were in the process of getting off the bus when you rammed it into gear. " Now see, that comment implies I have no self control, and I do! I mean, I have my moments, she'll never let me live down. Like the time I went into the gas station to tell the two non-English speaking men, who parked at the only working gas pump, and proceeded to go in and "shop,", while I was waiting in line behind them, that they needed to move their truck. It was a courtesy call, at best. It was!!

She says she has to monitor me... that she worries for my safety. It was why we traded in my cute little Mini... loved that car. It was sturdy, safe, and it could make a u-turn in my drive-way. It was like a little go-kart that could hit over 100 mph quickly, and slow down just as quickly by simply removing your foot from the peddle. LOVED that car, but people, especially men in big trucks with silver balls hanging from the back bumper (not kidding), would ride my a**, no matter how fast I went. You want to talk about losing it. I didn't care who it was... so, we got rid of the Mini. I'm trying to work her for the new Mini crossover, but I don't think that's happening.

 Anyway... the Phentermine seems to be doing it's job for the wife, though yesterday, I was feeling a bit frustrated with it all. I read up on MS and Phentermine. Every single person who has been on this drug, and has MS, said it gave them the energy they've so greatly missed, because MS totally sucks the energy out of you. Well, the first day the wife took it, she was totally drugged. She was slurring, couldn't walk a straight line, and was very tired. For all I know, that could have been an MS episode, but since it came on the heels of her taking the medicine for the first time, we attributed it to that. Yesterday we split the pill in half... and guess what?!? She didn't sleep last night, AND she was up first thing this morning! I'm praying this will be a trend, but now I must go force her to eat, and take the pill. A whole one this time. Let's try this again!!

Have a great Thursday everyone!!

Phentermine... You know, that stuff

What an eventful (but not) Tuesday morning this has been. The kids came home yesterday, but I almost forgot they were here, because as of 11:30 am, I still have not heard the pitter patter of their large teen feet.

We've already taken Cam in to be fixed. I've already received the call telling me all is well, and that he is now sleeping peacefully. We've cleaned the bird cage, had breakfast, and the wife has started her special miracle weight loss pill, Phentermine.

Phentermine is the other half of the infamous weight loss concoction fen-Phen. It's supposed to be the half that doesn't do damage to your heart. Honestly, I haven't researched it all that much (I normally research everything), which I suppose you could put in the reaction box labeled "denial." Meaning... I know how desperate the wife is to lose this weight, and I know I want her to be successful. Not for any reason other than when I tell her she looks good, I will no longer get the eye-roll response, and the "No I don't, you're blind, I'm fat," plus any number of responses I get when I tell her something wonderful and sweet. Seriously.

Back in the day, fen-Phen was the big weight loss miracle pill... until people started having heart problems. Though not everyone taking this pill fell ill, the drug manufacturer suffered a terrible blow, took the drug off the market, and literally had the pants sued off of them, by those who suffered major health issues (or death) after taking this medication. Today, they say that only those with a pre-existing heart condition suffered ill effects, but being overweight can cause heart problems and high blood pressure, so I can only imagine the numbers were large.

The wife actually took fen-Phen way back when. She says she didn't suffer any ill effects, and had the whole medical work-up to prove it. I still wonder if some of the "symptoms" she suffers from now, may not be totally related to the MS, but something else entirely. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I worry about the MS and this drug, though I know weight loss will help her symptoms. You see, with MS your metabolism is screwed up, and weight gain is imminent. With weight gain, you suffer more symptoms of the disease.

MS can rear it's ugly head at any time, but it's helpful to pay attention to each instance, so that you can perhaps narrow down the reason for each particular flare up. Extreme heat is a major contributor to flare-ups. This summer, the wife suffered a terrible episode after walking off the tennis courts. Her hearing went, she went numb on one side of her body, and she felt so weak she could hardly walk. She didn't have her cell phone, but luckily she was able to regain some control, and walk home. Scary stuff.

Extreme stress is another major contributor to flare-ups. When she was working, her business partner was a major cause of extreme stress. She literally played games with her, telling her she said one thing, then saying she said something else. Luckily, the wife would normally have her on speaker phone, so I was able to hear most conversations, and I have a most excellent memory. This was one of the main reasons I disliked this woman. Telling her about the MS, and the confirming brain lesions, was a huge mistake.

The wife's thought processes, though a bit slow at times, were not that far off the beaten path. Her major dislike was having to go through paperwork with a fine tooth comb. I would come home from work, and she'd be in a fetal position, literally (joking, but kind of not), over the stress caused by the ex BP, and the details of everything.

Traveling was also a contributor.... not your typical one flight there, and one flight back, but the ones that had her transferring from one flight, to rush to another one, only to be a few minutes too late, etc, etc. SO... I guess that could fall under stress.

I'm going through all of this for a few reasons... one, because I've noticed on my stats, that someone is reading my old posts about MS, meaning someone must have it, or know someone who does. The other reason, is that I want to remember the day the wife started her Phentermine, so that I can monitor her symptoms, and make sure there is no correlation between the pill and any flare-ups that may occur.

Neither one of us is really sure exactly what lands someone in the hospital with MS, or what puts someone in a wheel chair. We've volunteered often at nursing homes, and there was a woman around our age in one of them, with the medical diagnosis of MS. She told us that she also did quite a few illegal drugs  in her past... so lets make note... illegal drugs could be a major contributor. Makes sense to me. I also hold out hope that the illegal drugs are the reason why my mother is so incredibly mentally ill.

Anyway... I'll wrap this up for now, because it is already 12:30, I still don't hear the pitter patter of teen feet, and I need to go make myself productive with other things.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!!