You know...

NO worries... the person in this photo does have a head... I just cropped it out to protect the innocent. No, seriously, I'm not even sure she knows of my blog, but I am sure she wouldn't want her picture out here in blog land. 

You know you're getting old when:

You feel like you look better with your clothes on as compared to them being off.

In a not so distant past, I remember telling the wife that I just felt more comfortable with my clothes off. Clothes were "binding and would push things out that didn't need to be out." Now, things are being pushed out without the help of clothes. Now clothes serve as a cover-up, where as before I could use them as an enhancement of what was underneath them.

I will eventually start working out again. My plan was to join the gym in February, when things had calmed down a bit from the January resolution members. Since we're moving in a few weeks, I've decided to wait on the gym membership. We're buying an elliptical, and I have weights, a ball, and a mat. Do I need anything else? Motivation perhaps, but that, unfortunately cannot be bought.

My motivation will be... ummmm... it will be totally aesthetic. I want to be hot. There, I admitted it. If that works as motivation, then why not, right? If good health comes with it, then even better!

Setting the record straight...

Sometimes I am NOT a very nice person. I admit it... at least I'm not two-faced about it and I don't act "ugly" about things all the time. I guess at times, I have what we could call moments of weakness.

A few examples:

I am using my daughter's phone right now because mine was stolen. I am waiting for Verizon and the iPhone. I had the iPhone once before, and had to replace it a few times, but after NOT having it, I've decided what's a little inconvenience, right? Anyway, I digress... I told her to tell all of her friends that I have her phone, but apparently some haven't gotten the message and she's getting texts. Not a big deal, but I feel like my not replying back for her, will in some way will make her friends think she's blowing them off, and lets face it, she doesn't have that many. She received a text from one child today and it read as follows: "U know how i couldnt come down here tuesday? jacobs mom told me he cried cuz i couldnt come. i was like aww. :("  I don't like this particular girl. She's 4 years older than my child, not working, not going to school, and living off of the handouts of friends (and her mom's credit card) because her mom is "a bitch and expects me to clean the house all the time." So, my immediate reaction was to reply back "That's disgusting." No worries, I didn't do it, but the fact that it popped in my head was surprising to me. I really don't know why I was surprised. I mean I am the one who wants the super-power ability to blink people off the face of the earth. I don't want to HURT them... I just think some people need to go away. I know... that is NOT NICE.

This next example comes from FaceBook. Here are some of the things I really want to respond to, but don't. Beware, the language and content is BAD.

The first few FB quotes are my ex's niece. She's 19, pregnant, and a mess in general. Even my daughter says this, which means I must be right. I don't block her because she has reached out for help in the past and I figure if she resurfaces, I need to know what's going on. Plus, she stayed with us for about a month when she was little, so I still think about that poor little girl who has had a life much like my own when I was small. 

My prego hormones are going nuts I seriously just cried and threw a fit because exon diddnt have hot dogs UGH damn cravings.. :(((


What I wanted to say: Ummm, no, I think I can be safe when saying that while for most this would be pregnancy, for you, it's quite the normal reaction. 


ugh Smdh I hate messy ass ppl that dont clean up after them selves. Bitcccchh I aint yo momma. Pshhh


I had no thought as far as this one...


If I had it my way id slit ur throat with the knife you left in my back...


What I wanted to say: OMG, you're going to be a mommy soon...


Im such a dumb ass :/ ugh I really think I have anger issues >.>


What I wanted to say: "REALLY?" 


This next one is a friend's son. Her daughter is the one who sent the text to my daughter earlier today. She was such a strict mother... never let her kids watch anything on TV or listen to music that was violent, sexual, or rated higher than the stated age. They were sheltered from the bad in the world. My kids, on the other hand have never really been sheltered... I'm assuming my friend hasn't been reading her son's posts, because though my kids haven't been censored or sheltered, I would beat them if they ever, EVER posted some of the things I've read from their friends. I finally blocked this kid. I do go back to his profile every so often since my kids have him on their FB. 


Ya ill be gone for awhile.. Your not a tough badass just because im gone. Ill be back through those doors before you know it. All the little lies will catch up to you at the end.guantee you


What I wanted to say: Nothing... I was wondering if this child needed to be reported to his school for this comment since in the one before that he stated he would be doing homeschool for awhile until things calmed down at his school. Is this a threat from a mentally unstable child or a teen being a teen? 


Dear bitches, go f**k yourselves with a chainsaw


WOW... this is what made me finally block him. 


Im sorry your ugly. All i can say is.... Stay away from the mirror if you can help it...


What I wanted to say: BOY, what on earth is wrong with you, posting stuff like this 40 times a day??? (I'm not exaggerating) 


SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!


I won't say what I wanted to say on this one. It wasn't nice or adult-like. Ahem




There's more, but I'm done boring you or disgusting you (or both), with my mean ways and the stuff I read on FB. The bad thing is... I sure do love Facebook. It's one of my many brainless activities. I love reading about my friends' lives, opinions on different things, and their children. I love playing the apps. too. The wife and I are very addicted to Petville and Bejeweled. We'll sit in bed for hours each night playing Bejeweled on our iPads...  Hey, it makes us happy :) Wow... we're getting old, huh? 

Global Warming?

The idea of global warming seems to be highly misunderstood... at least by a few. 

Our portion of Texas is rarely hit by winter storms. Last year we had our first white Christmas in a LONG time. It lasted two days in all, then it snowed one more time in April. This year we have once again been "blessed" with snow... and ice... and sleet. Last Monday night, we had a thunder/lightening/sleet storm. I didn't think that was scientifically possible. We were icy for two full days, it never melted, and then we were hit again bye snow. We finally made it out of the house Friday because we had to get the cat to the vet (this is another blog). Things were closed down for an entire week because our city and surrounding cities are not prepared for this type of weather. 

Once again we are iced in... tell me, do you think this is global warming or a sign that global warming is a farce? Comments such as "Look at all this snow... global warming is a farce," or "Ha, so much for global warming," make me a little nuts. This is the dork in me. Now bear with me, because after my dorkish (a new word perhaps?) lesson on global warming, I've got some great pictures at the end of this blog. 

Global warming -" the increase in the average temperature of Earth's near-surface air and oceans since the mid-20th century and its projected continuation.Caused by increasing concentrations of greenhouse gases, which result from human activity such as the burning of fossil fuel and deforestation.^{[3]" Wikipedia} 

The earth's average temperature is rising... this does not mean snow = lack of validity as far as global warming

 "Likely effects include changes in the frequency and intensity of extreme weather events." Wikipedia

Obviously there are more effects than I have listed. Glaciers are melting, more species face extinction, etc, etc.

If you read or watch the news, you'll see stories of extreme weather all over the world. This my friends is but one sign of global warming. We can at least enjoy some of the benefits, right? See pictures below!

Our front yard

The backyard is beautiful

Love birds in the snow

So pretty and bright in the snow

The sun started to shine-backyard

You can't tell, but the water is frozen... backyard

Now the sun is really shining-backyard

Can you see the water is frozen now?-backyard

Colorful bushes in the snow-backyard

A neighbor built a snow igloo and made it a hot chocolate stand

Insomnia

Pictured above: Tallulah Jane at 12 weeks sleeping soundly with her giraffe.


If I'm not dreaming strange dreams, I'm not sleeping at all. Actually this isn't alwaysthe case... I don't sleep when the wife is out of town.

I can't really blame it all on the wife's absence though. I can remember being as young as 4, wide awake in my grandmother's living room, listening to every sound, and assigning it a source that I was comfortable with. That's exactly what I'm doing now. It's frustrating to think about it really. The fear I carry within me, that I've carried since early childhood, is hard for me to understand, and it's not something I want to pass on to my own children. I'm trying to identify the cause, so that maybe I can rid myself of it once and for all.

I've discussed how I felt while living with my grandmother. She was feeble and didn't get around well. I knew, even at four, that my grandmother and I would not be able to protect ourselves if we needed to, but why was I so worried about this at such a young age? I've even racking my brain, and I think I have it.

I bounced between a few homes in my childhood, and lived with my mother in-between. When I was around three years of age, I was staying with my mother in a garage apartment. It was a small, two story, brown, shingled all over structure, that boasted a simple layout. The garage was downstairs, the apartment above it. It had a living room, a kitchen, and a bedroom that could be closed off with French doors. I slept with my mother when she was alone and on a cot in the living room when she wasn't.

One particular night, when sleeping with her, she shook me awake crying and yelling. She called someone to get over there, and then she called the police. I had no idea what was going on, but her fear was immediately transferred to me. She told the police that a man had broken in and stood over the bed with a knife... Or she said she had a knife under the pillow. Not sure... I just remember my dad's dad coming over and nailing the windows shut that very same night. Who knows if this really happened though... My mother did drugs and was/is paranoid schizophrenic.

A second time, I remember being in the cot bed, right under a window. She woke me up telling me that the spider on the wall wasn't the devil. Now, I don't remember thinking this, but after that, the idea was in my head, along with thoughts of the devil and what that was.

I remember the fear and staring at the strange little music box above my cot. I remember crawling under the huge round coffee table, right to the middle, so that no one could find me. At my grandmothers, I remember staying awake as long as I could, or until I heard the next door neighbors come home. I remember thinking, if we need help... One of those boys ( late teens,early twenties) would be able to protect us.

Fear... I am so tired of feeling this particular emotion. I'm so tired and want so much to feel safe, but how? I am seriously considering hypnotherapy. I need to clear my mind... I need to breathe, I need to sleep, I need to trust that good is okay, and that it won't be taken from me. I know this doesn't make sense in this context, but it just came out, so I'll consider it a step in the right direction.

I really hope bad weather doesn't keep the wife away longer than planned. It's supposed to sleet and snow... The rain just started.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The tent was an army green color and long like a mess hall. I describe it this way, because that's exactly what it reminded me off. There were loud noises outside and when we ran out the door, we ran right into this thing. I'm not sure why we were running out when it sounded as if that's where the danger was, but what about dreams makes sense anyway? We were taken aback as we entered the tent and had no idea why it was attached to our home. After a quick glance around, we spotted and made a quick dash for the exit, but as soon as we reached it, a looming shadow appeared. With a deep voice, it asked us where we thought we were going. Hell, we didn't know. We wanted out... we wanted to see what was going on, we wanted to be safe. The shadow told us we needed to stay exactly where we were... that a car was coming for us. As soon as the words were spoken the "car" arrived. It was long and black, with dark windows, but it wasn't a limo. We were told to get quickly get in. Our first glimpse of the outdoors was shocking to see. It was incredibly bright, lots of dust, smoke, and debris in the air. Our neighborhood was riddled with old houses that seemed to be in a shambles from lack of care. Mr. L's home had little rug rat kids running around barefoot and dressed in rags. Our own home was falling apart as if we had never done a thing to care for it. The vehicle took off, and soon we were on the main road. There were people in dark suits (men and women) running everywhere, and a few cars too, all black. The suited people were jumping into cars at the intersections. The people originally in the cars, were pushed out and left for dead on the road. Left for dead because they obviously weren't on the same side as those in the suits. Our car never stopped at the intersection, but wisely barreled through. On the drive we saw that everything seemed to be in a state of disarray. We crossed a huge bridge, and had finally made it to our destination... yet another green tent. We were left there with no explanation. When we went into the tent, we found our way to the door of the home it was attached to. We were suddenly at a party... dressed to the nines and socializing. A new dream perhaps? A friend of ours had waxed the very top of her head, and was quite proud of the new hair-do. People we knew and loved, and people we knew and disliked were all there. It was fun. The friend who had waxed her head was the talk of the party. As I'm looking around, the wife comes up to me and shows me a discolored patch of skin she has discovered... she's proud of it, but when I ask her what she did to get it, she said it just showed up. The waxed-haired friend then walked by us and as she did I woke up, and my thought as I woke was "Well, she looks the same all the way around unless she looks down at something."

No, I don't do drugs ;)

Lighting the Candles

This photo was taken by my daughter who also has aspirations of becoming a professional photographer

We've been holed up in our home for three straight days now due to extreme ice. Most people would want to escape, but I'm still happy with my lot in life at this point. The wife has been going through old pictures in between work emails and trying to decide what she will do at the end of her buy-out negotiations, when she starts her new career. Today she's leaning toward photography (she is VERY good), and has already set up another company for business consulting, and possibly, hopefully, my own business idea. I'm sure, as the days go by, and her money is secured after the buy-out, she'll settle down a bit, but her pictures today brought back memories from a very distant past.

When I was about 6 years of age, we moved to England. My mother had finally met someone who somehow didn't mind her craziness... at least not back then. My stepdad John, was from England but was working in the US as a nurse due to the low income earned by healthcare workers in his own country. After he met and married my mother, I suppose he figured moving his new family to England would be good for us. I will say that living there was the longest time spent living under the same roof as my mother since I had been born. Not a pleasant experience, but the most stable with John's family living right next door.

The last person I lived with before moving to England was my grandmother and Uncle Frank. I can hear my grandmother to this day begging my mother to leave me behind, but my mother wasn't having any of that. I was hers after all.

I can't be sure of how long we lived in England, but many things changed for me. One major change was being introduced to religion, God, and church... a Catholic church at that. The closest I had come to religion before that was when my grandmother would sing "Mercedes Benz," by Janis Joplin. "Oh lord, won't you buy me a..." Anyway, There were things one did when attending church... like getting up early and dressing your best. We walked to the church because we lived in a village... no cars were needed (I still think this is an excellent way to live!). Prayers were said, rituals were performed, then everyone went to the pub next door (There will be more on this later).

One ritual was introduced to me at a very sad time of my life. My mother had gotten a long distance call that Uncle Frank had died. Had I been older, I would have recognized that he didn't have much time left in this world. I didn't realize he was so sick. A hospital bed, oxygen, and a terrible, hacking cough, apparently didn't clue me in. When they told me he had died, Nana (my stepdad's mom) took me in her lap and said he would be going to Heaven now. Of course, with me not being involved in a church, she had to explain to me what Heaven was. At 6 I had already stopped crying, but I did cry for my Uncle Frank. I immediately went upstairs to draw pictures of him (his soul) floating to heaven. I taped to the wall beside my bed, each paper doll I drew of him (with plaid pj's and wings) in ascending order until he had reached that place (I drew clouds too... you know, to represent Heaven since it was up high in the sky.) Nana had told me about. Soon after I had gotten my drawings done, Nana bundled me up in my coat so we could walk to the church. It was already dark out and I was surprised it was still open. She told me the church doors were always open for people to go in and pray. She took me to the candles... I had seen them before, but had no idea what they were for. I was told that I would light a candle for my Uncle Frank and one for my Grandmother because of her sadness. After I lit the candles, we knelt down to say a prayer for both of them. I can't express to you the sense of empowerment those simple actions gave me. I actually felt as if I had done something wonderful for both of them.

When we got home, I sat down to write a letter to my grandmother telling her what I had just done. I didn't want her to worry. She would be alone now and I hated that for her... even then I knew how hard that would be on her.

Inclement Weather=Relaxation

Okay... I've gone through all of my favorite bloggers blogs and am now sitting here like a fool trying to remember what it was I was going to write about. :) This memory game is fun stuff! I think my brain is simply responding in a positive manner to being snowed in... it's resting. :)

Since we've put the house on the market, it seems as if we've been going non-stop. I've gotten the banister and a few doors painted, and have done quite a bit of touch-up painting. We've had repairmen out, inspections done on our new home, contract negotiations, etc, etc.

Today has been the most relaxing day in quite awhile. Thank you inclement weather, for rolling into town. Thank you for rolling in before we were able to buy boxes. If we had boxes, the wife would have us packing today. I say, we still have 27 days left... Let us take this snow day as it was meant to be, and REST!

I've been doing a bit of side writing and a lot of DVD watching. I'm watching The Honeymooners right now. I'm not sure I've mentioned before how much I love my classic TV shows. A friend of mine told me about a satellite radio station that plays all the classic radio/television shows. I listen to it often. A lot of these shows bring back memories of childhood... good ones even!

When I was little I floated between several people's homes... my mother's mother, my dad's parents, and my mother's brother and his wife's. My favorite place to be, though I never felt completely safe there, was my mother's mother.  I guess somehow I knew my grandmother was vulnerable. She seemed very old for being 60 something. Now you may be thinking "Of course she seemed old to a young kid," but I look back at pictures and see it still now. She had had a hard life. Crazy husband, 6 kids, she was a cartoonist, a part-time writer for the newspaper, and a nurse. A hard life, but a full one too I suppose!

Anyway... I have very specific memories of my time with her. I remember sitting in her tiny kitchen on a shiny vinyl cushioned, aluminum chair, watching her make home-made grits ( I was very young). LOVE grits to this day! She had a sensitive stomach and would make herself saltine crackers and milk (bleh). She said it was doctor recommended. I loved playing on her front porch under the bushes. There were a few bricks missing in the wall that made the porch, and I pretended it was a house for my rock family (I drew faces and clothes on a bunch of rocks and pretended... I now I am still a dork!). I used to run around in her huge backyard (way bigger than her house), play with her dog Blackie, and make mud pies from the dirt that lined the back neighbors fence. She had a separate garage behind her house that was full to the brim of all kinds of things that I considered treasures. I would sneak in there often. She told me the garage was where DeeDaw would hang out. DeeDaw was what the grandkids once called her husband. I never knew him.

So, I have all of these memories and more, but my favorite memory is of the hot summer days/nights. She had a tiny, two bedroom house. One bedroom was hers and the other was my uncle Frank's (not sure how we were actually related). All I remember of Uncle Frank was that he was in a stretcher in that back bedroom, always in plaid pjs, and with oxygen attached to him. Now that I think about it, I guess I could have easily been blown up with the two of them smoking. That man always had a cigarette in his hand, but I loved him. I'll blog about him next. That one will be short... but a good/sad memory.

Anyway, with both bedrooms taken, my place to sleep (chosen by me) was the big yellow easy chair that sat directly under the a/c window unit. I was still young enough to take naps, and I would curl up in that easy chair, and watch my grandmother talk on her rotary dial wall phone with the curly cord (which wasn't so curly anymore because I loved playing with it) hanging low on the ground. The hum of the a/c was loud, but I could hear her, and I could hear the TV, which always had I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, or a similar show blaring. The sun would shine through the windows and I would watch the many particles of dust swirl in the air ( I loved slapping the cushion to watch more dust fly, gross I know, but I didn't know better). I would stare at the rainbows created by the glass doorknobs, that I was always so fond of. Soon enough, I was sleeping.

That feeling of peace, if only while I was there, is what comes back to me when I hear the radio classics or watch my TV shows. I sure do miss my grandmother.