Regrets...

We will always have them. No matter what, we will always feel like there is something we could have done better. Especially when a death occurs. The wife's family recently lost a loved one, and the regrets being voiced, the guilt being expressed, only compound the sadness.

This is to my family:

"When the time comes that I pass from this world into the next, please don't have regrets. Please don't feel guilt. Unless you purposely caused harm to me (in which case I will haunt the Hell out of you), there is no reason to feel these useless feelings. It's the old "coulda', shoulda', woulda'." You cannot change the past. You can only change what lies before you.

I understand that I am not your first thought, or priority. I understand you will have families of your own, in-laws, friends, a LIFE. I want all of those things for you. I want you living life to its fullest. Even if it means you didn't make it to dinner, or you spent the holidays somewhere else. It is after all what I want for you... a life that is happy, and full.

I have learned that there is no amount of time spent with a loved one that is "good enough" when they are gone. You will feel the guilt... you will think to yourself, "I could have done more." I don't expect more at the expense of your time with your own families. I don't expect more if it means you are missing out. My happiness will come from knowing you were out living your life. My peace will come from the knowledge that you are surrounded by people who love you as much as I do."

Yes, my family will see this. I need them to know this.

Anyway:
I hope to live many more years... watch my children grow into wonderful, productive, happy, adventurous adults. Hopefully I will get a grandchild or two out of it (NOT right now!) I want to go back to Big Sur and New York. I want to go to Washington State, Oregon, Chicago... oh so many places. I want to live my life without regret... the regret of NOT living it that is. That would be my own fault. I'd have no one to blame for that.

Colorful Friday

Happy post Thanksgiving, everyone!

I hope you all enjoyed time with your family, and delicious foods!!

I have to say, I'm a little disappointed with the lack of Facebook posts about friends' super duper Black Friday deals. I know many of them were planning on shopping today, and while a few years ago, I'd have given anything to go, these past few years I have had NO desire. Don't get me wrong, I love to shop, I just don't like throngs of crazy, self-absorbed people surrounding me, fighting over things that are few and far between on this particular day. All products currently sold out today, will be replenished on Monday. Maybe not at the same price, but my fluctuating like and dislike of other humans does not need any negative reinforcement. Oh, and I'm not calling my friends self-absorbed, I think it's something that overtakes people when they're in that type of situation. Competition or something... whew... craziness!

Honestly, I think I'm really starting to show my age. Yesterday, the family was so excited about the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade... but not me. It was too much loud, obnoxious music, that didn't inspire any type of Christmas spirit at all. I mean, why couldn't it be like this? I really think my past life was lived in this time period. Take no notice of the last float... "politically incorrect" didn't exist back then, right???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKbMq3di4aM

The unseasonably warm weather didn't help with my lack of holiday spirit, either. I did take a walk with my Cammy though, and took pictures of the pretty Fall trees. It's nothing like pictures I've seen of Maine, but still something to be appreciated. Especially when we have no trees around our house.

I love trees. When we lived in Dallas, we had the most spectacular back yard, full of trees. The bedroom was like a huge treehouse, with windows, and a balcony all the way around. I loved going out there to sit, and it was especially beautiful in the Fall, when the leaves were falling. It was like a colorful snow! Most would say we have a spectacular back yard now, and we do, but I miss my trees.

SO, I think I'll post some pictures of yesterday's tree walk, and I was going to try to download some pics from Dallas too, but Google is trying to make me purchase storage!?!?!?! When on earth did this happen? Ridiculous... I may have to blog from Facebook. I love posting pictures, but not for a monthly fee.

Anyway, we plan on spending our day relaxing, and Christmas decorating. The wife apparently got started last night... I was in bed at 10. I KNOW... way too early!

What do you guys do the day after Thanksgiving?

Dear...

Today is Thanksgiving here... a day we're supposed to take time out, to give pause to our actually very blessed lives. From the richest, to the poorest, from Christian, to Muslim, to Buddhism, if you live in America, you are truly blessed.

We can worship what, and where we want, shop where we want, wear what we want, eat what we want, carry guns, speak our minds, we do have access to medical care whether we end up in a county hospital or a private one, and we can wake up every morning, to the sound of traffic, birds, whatever surrounds you, and know when walking out our door, that we will more than likely make it back home later that day, alive and well. No, we don't have it all... but we have more than most. We are blessed.

Last night, I was in bed, trying so hard to sleep, and I was thinking about God... I talk to Him a lot, and I always start our conversation out "Dear God..." I'm not sure if it's because of that song I used to listen to long ago, that was considered so sacrilege, but I loved it, or if it's because of the book I've seen on shelves called "Letters to God."

Never mind the reason though... it always starts the same, and just know, that this isn't a super religious post about a certain religion. This is about God. Whether we believe in His existence, or not, most of us do believe in something, and have faith in something bigger. For me, this is God. It's what fuels us, drives us, it's who/what we turn to when our souls need sustenance, it's what we worship, what we pay homage to. SO, just know when I talk about God, I know that our ideas and beliefs may be different, but they are still based on the same basic principles.... mostly. ;)

Anyway, lets move past the disclaimer! Last night went kind of like this...


"Dear God,

What do you think? Are you proud of us? Our accomplishments? It doesn't seem to me, that what we've got going on here is something to be proud of. That scares me, because we as humans, are very proud of our accomplishments. Our technology, our inventiveness, our way of life. It scares me, because we are SO proud, that we don't stop to ask you, "Are you proud?"

Even the way we worship has become something to be proud of. These HUGE churches, gathering tons of money, to build bigger and better places, when you provided us with plenty of space to pray, to sing, to show our love. I'm talking about mountains, and valley's, and fields, and forests... the perfect place to quietly contemplate, and talk to you.

We don't do that though... quietly talk to you. We make it BIG, we expect others to be just like us, to do just like us, or we judge them. We can't co-exist. I guess we never could. Are you proud that we judge and kill in your name? I don't think you are. I think you shake your head at us, and hope we can finally get it right. Some people do... get it right I mean. Just not enough to really make a difference in this huge world you created.

There are stars in the sky, beautiful sunrises, amazing sunsets, the trees are so pretty right now (I just noticed yesterday that they're finally starting to change here!), little animals everywhere, that make it without all of the things we feel we need to survive on... all of it is SO fragile, yet not as fragile as we are with our amazing advances, and technology. Those are the things that have made us the most fragile, because we have become so advanced, that we would not be able to survive without it, now.

So, I don't know why I'm feeling so low on this Thanksgiving Eve... I guess because I see what's going on, and I'm not proud, I'm scared. I feel like I'm standing back, behind everyone else and watching. They hustle and bustle, and live, and exclaim, and disclaim. It's like watching subways rush by you, and not really even being able to distinguish the train's form in the blur. I'm really hoping that today, a day in America when MOST of us, regardless of religious beliefs, take time to give thanks, and that those subways will slow down, stop, and think reflectively."

SO that was last night...

Today, I woke up at 7, fed my zoo, listened to them play, and now I'm about to go wake my family. I'll be making them all breakfast, then taking my Cam dog for a walk. He needs mommy time, and I can take pictures of the beautiful trees with their pretty new colors.

I'm so thankful for the natural beauty that surrounds us, for my furry babies, for my family, for good, fattening food! Life is too short, it's meant to be lived, and we're meant to love each other. Every form of life deserves respect, and honor. So today, be sure to stop and look around... you would be surprised at what you see!!

Still Kicking!!

Hi all, if there is anyone left...

It's been forever! I've been so crazy busy. I think the last time you heard from me, I was trying to get my daughter out of the house and into the real world, our home had flooded, we had just rescued three kittens, and we had just bought a building for our business!

We have been nuts around here!!

SO here are the quick updates:

Daughter: She is now currently enrolled in art school and living in a dorm. She hates it, but doesn't want to come home because there are rules. We ended up letting her drive the car so she could get a job. She is probably smoking pot, and thinking it's cool. I don't know. She does want to come home a lot, and today she will be going with me to help me rescue two puppies. They're adorable, and the only dogs I can help are small breed puppies, because of Cam's psycho behavior. Remember my crazy, but adorable Morkie....

Home: The repairs after the flood were finally totally wrapped up a couple of weeks ago. We had to stay in a hotel, and all of the critters needed boarding. It was great because I slept like a baby. I should have taken one of those pillows... and paid for it of course. I just cannot find pillows that are comfortable, whether I'm shopping an expensive department store, or a Target.

Kittens: We are no longer kitten rescuers, we are kitten adopters. Yes, of course we ended up keeping them! I'm SO allergic though. So for the wife, who loves them so much, I am going today to get allergy tested so I can start my allergy shots. That should help a lot. In the meantime, I've been on prednisone, which is why I've been up for the past two hours, and it's only 7 am. I have to admit, though it makes me absolutely miserable (the prednisone), it sure does keep me going like the Energizer bunny!

Building: We bought it, we've loaded and taken things over, but we're currently waiting on a contractor to give us some quotes for some things we need done in it. Then we will need to purchase equipment, Then we should be able to open. We're looking at probably February. I mean, now we need to get past the holidays. Before we had to get past our own home repairs. We have been running a mobile unit... I got my car wrapped and everything. I love it, because friends will message, or call saying they saw me on the road today. The good thing about a small town, I guess! If you live in our town, and you own a business, your car is probably wrapped! We have quite a few clients, and the wife and I love them. The wife is amazing with these kiddos, so I'm hoping this will serve as her new motivation (aside from money).

Well, the sun is shining now, I have a puppy crate to put together, and I want to hit the grocery store before the crazy people get there!

I really need to get back here more often, and will work that out! I hope everyone has a terrific day!

I don't know how...

I've reached that point. I do not know how to be a good parent. When they were little, I knew. I did what I felt was right. We had tea parties, went to the museums, we even took our own sketch pads into the art museum! I threw big birthday parties for them, entered them in things like cheerleading, and football, basketball, even t-ball at one point. I made sure they had play-dates, and and experienced life in all sorts of manners from road trips, to park trips, to just hanging out at the pool.

When I got divorced, they had the bedroom (when we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment), then they each had their own room (when we lived in a two bedroom apartment). I sacrificed for them, because I thought it would help them see that this is what we do for those we love. I taught them not to hit, or bite. I taught them to be kind to others, and they were in church every Sunday.

So now I'm sitting here, wondering what to do next. The wife is completely frustrated with the girl, and I am so messed up as to how to handle the boy.

The girl is 18 now. We've got many trust issues with her, and the wife and I have hit a crossroad as to how to handle her. I think she needs to be able to go out and do what she's going to do. She needs to be able to make mistakes without being under our ever watchful eye, because that just encourages more lying. I mean, she's going to do it, and because we're constantly on her, she's going to lie. I want her in a dorm ASAP... the wife doesn't want to pay for it now, yet she wants her out of the house. I've always said unless she gets pregnant or is doing drugs, I'm not just going to toss her out. Not for her trying to exercise some of her 18 year old rights... I'll be going to the school Tuesday to try to get this child into a dorm. Wish me luck. I think she needs to be out from under this roof, and living with kids her age. It's time, and in my head, it's the only way she will learn how to live her life.

As for as the boy... he's GOT to learn how to communicate. He had been talking to a girl ALL summer via text. A cute, smart girl. I'm pretty sure that he didn't even look at her when school started though. Now she's dating a football player. SO I don't know what to do for him. He of course won't say anything to me about any of it, but I'm sure he's bothered in some way. I mean, do I make him play football? Do I run out and get him those contacts he wants so badly? I'm doing that anyway. Do I force him into the gym (he's skinny, and I do want him to gain some weight)? How do I help him gain enough confidence and comfort to talk to people??? This girl he was talking to, told me last night that it takes the boy a good few months to warm up and start talking. Ridiculous.

I hurt for these kids of mine in different ways, and I don't know how to help. The girl, I feel pretty sure about what I think she needs. The boy, I want so desperately to help. BUT how??? Ugh!

Oh, Yes I Did...

This will be short today since I have to leave soon to get the boy from his dad's house.

Yesterday was full of nothing but me stress eating, and then making a short shopping trip for plastic bins that will serve as garage storage. We had a ton of card board boxes in the garage, from about a month ago, when the wife's mom and dad moved to town. They "gave" us things that they no longer wanted. This means, we now have more things to store. The flood destroyed the boxes, but luckily (I guess) the contents of the boxes were saved.

Since we're about to be hit extremely hard financially when we close on the building, and then again when we get the repairs done to our home from the flood, I've been looking for ways to save money. This means my search for plastic storage bins, took me a bit out of the way... to Walmart. Yes, I did it. I went to Walmart. Don't get me wrong... I'm not a snob, I just don't like Walmart. They're like a cult (you would know if you'd ever had to visit their corporate offices), and they treat their employees horribly.

Plus, I've got some psychological issues with Walmart... thats right, that's what I said! You see, I know what it is to struggle financially. I know what it's like to walk into a store with a calculator in hand, just to make sure I don't go over a certain amount, causing me to bounce a check. I know the stress of  having to buy "back to school" school supplies for two kids, and then not have enough money to buy food. Walmart was the only store I went to for years, and years... because I had no choice. Well, now I DO have a choice, and I've steadfastly refused to walk through those doors... until yesterday.

I went in for plastic storage bins, like I said, but I decided since I was there already, to fully peruse the store, and its contents. I was searching for certain things... organic fruits and veggies, hummus, low sodium deli counter lunch meats, and then the things the kids eat (which I know they always have). Guess what?? They had all of these things. So, I made the decision yesterday, that I would do most of my grocery shopping there. We need to save money... we will be running a business and a household.

The wife was thrilled with my decision. Since her parents have moved to town, her mom has been talking non-stop about how much more money we spend at the grocery store, as compared to what we would spend at Walmart. My refusal to shop there was only stronger, because I'm stubborn like that. I really appreciate the wife not trying to "make" me shop there. She let me make the decision on my own, which was the smartest, easiest thing she could do!

So there you go... and now I need to go! 

This House is Haunted (or Jinxed)

This past week has been nuts. So, I guess I'm here to whine about it... I'll post more pictures, than words though, so maybe that will help us all get through this.

I'll start with some good stuff (to make me feel as if I'm a positive person by nature).

We are supposed to close on a building for the business this week!!! YES, it's true! I have never felt more sure of a building, in the whole year we've been looking. I started my mobile unit... I have 1 child right now, but that's because I haven't gone out marketing yet. There's a reason for this. 

Oh, this is where the chaos begins, by the way. 

When I ordered my equipment for the mobile unit, I was told by the company that my card was denied. Hmmm... that's weird. We called the card company, and apparently there was a $950.00 transaction that was stopped right before I ordered my stuff. Someone thought Western Union online would be a great way to get free money. Thank goodness for a card company that was on top of it. Anyway... we had to shut the card down, then I had to wait to order my equipment again. It's all ordered now, and as soon as I get it in, I'll hit the pavement. 

Next: I signed up to volunteer for many activities before we made the final commitment to get this business up and running. I sit on several HOA committees, I am a medical director for a local pet rescue (I decided this would be the best way for me to help because I cannot go into shelters... I think we may be bordering on pet hoarding as it is), and I started volunteering for an adult special needs Sunday School class. I love it! So, right now, I'm feeling a bit pulled... in many directions, but this is a good thing... until this week.

I was feeling great, actually. I had gotten a lot accomplished as far as the business, I was caught up on the house work. I guess I was feeling over-stressed about the kittens... Oh yeah, we saved three little kittens from shelter death row a few weeks ago. I forgot to mention that... here they are.

I also forgot to mention I'm allergic to cats. These cats are itty bitty little things, a LOT of work, and stink. Bleh. All of this stink, and all of their clutter was getting to me. I was constantly running around the house, mopping, and trying to keep things in order. Well, apparently the universe decided I needed to learn a lesson, about what chaos truly is.... 

Friday, I had a doctor appointment. I kind of guilted the wife into going with me, and then we went to lunch. It was a nice "get away" for me, because I felt overwhelmed with animal duty. We didn't take a long lunch, because the kittens had an appointment later that day, and then the wife and I were planning on going out that evening with friends. Woohoo, two get aways in one day!

Anyway, we walked straight into a disaster when we got home. Our home was flooded... then while the special flood guys were here doing what they do, it flooded again.  The looks on those guys faces, was priceless in a non-funny kind of way. We told them the house was jinxed. So, we've got a LOT of water damage. All of our hardwoods will need to be replaced, along with a few other things.

Right now, we have over 35 flood fans blowing, and three de-humidifiers. Our home is in total disarray. See...

I didn't even post pictures of the living room. 

Oh, I forgot... I woke up at 4 am after the night of the double flood, and for some reason decided to get up. The front door was WIDE open! Who knows how long it had been open. Obviously, I couldn't get back to sleep after that. Nope, I spent the rest of the morning looking through the play backs on our security cameras to be sure no person, or animal came in. My biggest fear was running into a king snake while doing my best to clean up some of the mess. 

SO yes, the house is jinxed, haunted, whatever you want to call it. 

Evidence:

1. The day we closed on this house it was struck by lightning. It knocked out all of our a/c units, and fried the breaker box. Every outlet in the house had to be replaced. It took months to repair the damage.

2. We found a snake in the house our first Easter here. Luckily this past Easter was quiet.

3. Car vandalized.

4. We had a gas leak. There was a small hole in the thick, hard pipe that attaches to something. Very unusual they said.

5. The Great Flood... door wide open at 4am, even after I made sure it was locked. 

We've only been here a little over a year. We're kind of stressed over it all. The wife was even looking at available homes earlier today. 

This too shall pass... right?!?

On The Go!

Today has been disappointing... why? Because I woke up with this panicked feeling, I have a ton of stuff to do, and I'm bored. I think I am in ADD Hell... that's when you have a ton of stuff to do, but you look at it, and cannot for the life of yourself make it happen,because your mind keeps wandering...

So, I thought this post might serve as a bit of a calming tool. Carmi's thematic this week is centered around pictures taken with smart phones. I love this theme, because smart phones capture those moments in our life, that are small, yet important... and quite unexpected. So here it is! My life on the go! I've loved doing this because I've been able to revisit some past moments. I've been able to focus!! Enjoy!

I was pulling into the driveway, and thought this would make a really cool picture. This was a beautifully cool, Fall weekend! 

Another Fall day... this one was spent in the Harbor. 

We were headed out the door, and I just wanted to capture this before we left. 

A rainy night on the road... 

A spring night out with friends

A night of relaxation for me!

A sailboat race!

Early morning surprise "visitors" The dogs weren't happy. LOL

Florence going for an outdoor "walk"---I'm leaving this initial caption, BUT I had to come back to edit. This is not Florence. This is a turtle I came across while on a run. He/she was in the middle of the road, and I attempted to save it by placing it in the nearest yard! :)

A sunset on our way into the city

A goofy moment in a Mississippi beach restaurant 

A very pouty boy

A rare victory!

An even rarer win! Woohoo! Makes me want to go gamble ;)

Some really neat things can be captured with your phone!

Some really "creative" things can be captured as well... LOL

A quiet morning... rare indeed

A recent date night!

Now this is an old picture! The kids at our old house, when my car was new. Now we're looking at selling it :( I still love it... but business comes first. I can't fit my equipment in it, and the girl has no business driving it.

My severe storm emergency kit. Seriously! :)

An indulgence... I like to take pictures of these types of things.

One of the kittens we rescued this weekend from shelter death row.  We'll be finding them homes after we get them healthy enough, but for now I'll be all "allergied up." :) 

It's a Cloudy Day

I wish... Oh my, how I wish for some clouds right now, and the rain that comes with them, even though around here, there is no such thing as a nice rain. Oh no, we get hail, tornadoes... the whole 9 yards! I'm going to count us very lucky, as we've only just now hit our heatwave. The map showing our heatwave status, makes it look quite unbearable, as our state is scalding red in color. Let's just say, we don't get out a lot right now.

So, because I'm longing for a cloudy day, and because Carmi's photo theme this week is "Cloudy," I thought I'd revisit some of my favorite cloudy days... oh, and some of my scary ones too!! Some of these pictures are completely unedited, and some I've edited simply to bring out the colors I saw in real time.

I just loved the somewhat ominous look of this, and no matter how many pictures I took, I couldn't quite capture the many details of the clouds that day!

This is on the lake where we live. It's hard to take pictures on the boat, but I was finally able to capture how awesome it all looked that day!

I loved how the cloud accented the Lincoln Monument as a plane flew over.

A beautiful end to the sunset on this night. 

I have a ton of sunset pictures, because I feel we have the best ones right here at home! My favorite sunsets are the ones with the clouds. 

Another cloudy sunset...

The sun trying to peek through after a storm. 

What was left of the clouds after a light rain on the British Virgin Isle, Virgin Gorda

A road trip to somewhere... I love my road trips, and don't get nearly enough these days. 

I loved this... it looked like a painting to me

This was taken a few weeks ago. There was a sailboat in the distance that I couldn't quite get  because I was trying to get the clouds in the picture. They played such a huge part of the coloring on this night!

I loved how pretty the clouds were this night... somewhat ominous, but not, because the darkness of them was merely an illusion put on by the setting sun. 

Another painting... I took several pictures like this over a period of a week, last summer. I think the coloring, and odd appearance of the clouds, was due to the wild fires that were burning uncontrollably not too far away.  It sure did make for some amazing sunsets though! This is 1 out of 100 from that week!

This one was a little scary with the way it snaked across the sky...  scary but amazing too

This was a bad storm day... that cloud above was thick and angry. Amazing how the setting sun can make it all better at the end of the day, though. 

Another storm rolling in... crazy lightning was coming from this one...

That same night... the clouds were certainly aglow!!

Clouds full of lightning, not yet striking down.

Okay... that's all I've got time for, for now.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day!