I am that 1%

I thought I'd start with this...

Just thought I'd let that be known.
Anyway, now to move on to something more serious. I know, I know...

I try really hard to keep my posts fairly entertaining... sometimes.
I try to keep them politically dry... sometimes.
I try not to write if I can't make it "happy," and "light..." sometimes.
If I know I can't possibly do any of these things, then I usually won't post, or I'll borrow someone else's posts for what I like to call "guided writing..." sometimes.

This time is different, and I apologize for that. Wait, no... you know what?!?! I don't apologize because I don't want to. If people don't like it, then they can bite me! Hmphhh...
No, not really...  I apologize for that.

So, I decided yesterday, that my turtle and I have a lot in common. Yes, that's right... Florence and I seem to be on the same path lately.

Saturday night, the wife and I had a party for the girls on her tennis team, and of course the coach. Before the party, the wife was in the utility room, where poor Florence lives. It's actually not a bad spot for her since it has a fluorescent light, and that's supposed to be good for reptiles. Florence is a reptile... in case you didn't know. That's why I had her in my kindergarten classroom. We were learning about such things, and it was nice to have a living example that the kids could hold, and take care of. Anyway, the wife said Florence wasn't feeling well... how would you know a turtle isn't feeling well, you might ask. When you can reach in, and pet her little turtle head, and she doesn't duck into her shell, you know you've got an issue. The wife put lettuce in her tank, gave her fresh water, and we made sure to leave the fluorescent light on, because more often than not, we turn it off, and poor Florence is left in the dark.

Here's the deal with Florence... she's depressed. She didn't care whether we touched her head or not. Nothing is exciting. She lives in her tank, looking at the same four walls, listening to the dogs bark, very little human contact, and nothing to do, leaving nothing to think about, and nothing to talk about when she does have human contact, watching life pass her by, with nothing to show for it, and nothing to be excited about. Oh wait... that's me... those last few parts.

Yesterday, I took Florence out for a turtle walk. It was warm with sunshine, as I placed her in the middle of the back yard, and then sat on the steps and waited. Soon, she poked her head out, looked around and started her trek through the grass... amazingly fast for a turtle. They can run, by the way. She made it to the rock wall, then I moved her and let her do it again. She was happy, and free, and challenged. I felt guilty when it came time for her to go back in her tank.

My promise to Florence is that I will try to get her out more... giver her a challenge... give her some excitement... be there for her. Yes Florence, for you my little turtle, the easiest pet I have, I will be there for you. Just as I need to be there for myself. Get myself out, challenge myself, take care of myself...it's just so much easier to focus on Florence right now.

Stolen...

It's Sunday, and I'm tired. Cam is doing his usual barking as he runs back and forth from window to window. I decided I would borrow today's post from The Bipolar Diva
It looked fun and today, it will be so much easier for me to do guided writing, so to speak!

Here we go:

Eleven Fun (or just factual) Facts About Me


1. I'm a recovering heterosexual... ;)
2. I'm a recovering Catholic... meaning I'm the definition of guilt.
3. I have a fascination with guns, and shooting... though not the hunting of animals. 
4. I wish I knew then what I know now.
5. I'm bull-headed and stubborn, but also a complete pushover... an oxymoron for sure.
6. I can talk like a sailor with the best of them, but don't like "GD," "JC," the "P" word, or the "C" word. I don't like the "H" word either... I prefer the word "amorous." :)
7. I have a playlist of songs JUST for those restless, frustrated, pissy, moments... it's called "Just Because..." 
8. I saw people at a Baskin Robbins Ice Cream shop yesterday, with all of their little ones, dancing to the chicken dance, and getting their faces painted. There was a DJ and everything, and I thought, "God I'm glad I don't have small kids anymore, and can actually live an adult life." Then I had guilt for thinking that. Yep... 
9. I'm a people watcher. 
10. I think just about anything southern is sexy, from the drawl, to the sticky humidity, to the chirping night creatures, to the sweet tea, and banana pudding, and the classy, slow, easy, quiet, funny, nature of a southerner who is totally sure of herself/himself, and not threatened by a thing. 
11. I've been playing my "Just Because" playlist a LOT!!


Now for 11 questions:


1. What made you start blogging?
I wanted people to see that my family was just like any other family. I was also trying to give my writing a kick-start, because I had two amazing book ideas in my head, which I've started and stopped, through-out the years. Then I started reading other blogs, and thought "Shit! These people all want to write books too, and they're better than I am!! I suck!! Whaaaa!" I know... I need a lot of cheese with that whine. 


2. Have you ever been to a foreign country?
I lived in England when I was a kid. Liverpool... West Darby Village. I loved it. There was the sweet shop, the fish and chips shop, the butcher, the garden stand... a town square with the catholic school, church, and pub all in one big beautiful building. As kids, we could roam the entire village square, from our homes a block away... homes that line the streets looking like one big building, with step ups, and rectangular back yards with tall cement walls. We also visited Ireland, which is absolutely beautiful. I loved it as a kid, and can only imagine how I would feel seeing it as an adult. Then the wife and I have traveled to Jamaica, a few different parts of Mexico, Grand Cayman Islands (LOVED it) and ummm... I think that's it! 


3. What was your favorite book? 
I love reading, so there are a ton of books that have been favorites. The most recent book I read that's not in my typical repertoire is The Help. It made me laugh, cry, and laugh again. I loved that book. 


4. What dead celebrity would you like to meet and what would you talk about?
I really have no idea. Celebrities are just extremely talented and very rich people... like all of us, right? So I really don't have one. Don't get me wrong, if I were to meet a famous person, no doubt I would be excited. If it were an already dead famous person, I would be freaked out.


5. What is your current favorite musical artist/group and why? I have a very hard time naming one particular person or group, because I love so many different kinds of music, and it's all mood related as to what I may or may not like at the time. I love the stuff I grew up with. I like my angry rap songs, for my cranky moods. I love my female vocalists, for when I feel like singing my own heart out. I like silly, funny songs for when I want to sing and feel carefree. I like country when I feel like exercising my twang. I like sad when I'm feeling particularly thankful that my relationship isn't like those in the songs, and I like serious, when I'm feeling mellow. 


6. What was your first job? My friend and I walked into a crappy clothing store in the mall at 15 years of age, and asked the woman to hire us. She said she needed a phone call from our parents saying it was okay, and we got the job. She hired a few more of our friends, and we were off! It was so exciting... I think I worked there for over two years, then took on a second job in a restaurant. From age 16 til' age 35, I was a 2-job woman. 


7. If you could live anywhere, where would that be? I would have to say right where I am. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to live in San Diego (cost of living is way too high for what we would get), or somewhere where there are mountains, but I have to say, I'm very thankful for what we've got... and I can travel to those places if I could only get the wife motivated to do so. 


8. Who do you like better? Brittany Spears, or Christina Aguliara? Yuck... can't say either one. 


9. Do you have a fake, or a real Christmas tree? We have a real tree. The last time I had a fake tree, I went out of town for the actual holiday, came home to take the tree down, and by the time I had gotten the lights off, every single needle had fallen to the ground. I am not joking. I so wish I had saved the picture I took of that very naked, dead tree with the blanket of needles underneath. Back then there was no MySpace or Facebook, or cell phone camera, to forever digitally document our lives. 


10. What's your current favorite TV show? Modern Family, Parenthood, Raising Hope, Dance Moms (Yes, I admit it... my mouth is open the whole time it's on), Hoarders (again my mouth is open, and sometimes, I even gag. I can't watch it while eating.)


11. What is one thing you would change about yourself?
Not a great time for this question, as I would answer everything and feel very honest about it. 
My hair, my mid section, my nose, my mouth, my attitude, my lack of get up and go right now, my motivation, my emotional sensitivities, my food sensitivities, my education (teaching? what was I thinking? I should have done something involving big business,  or become a police officer so I could work for INTERPOL!! I know, too many lady sleuth books), the fact that I want to sit and eat doughnuts, drink coffee, and Hell, maybe even smoke a cigarette (NOT), and just say to hell with it. Oh, and this has nothing to do with ME, but the amount of barking my dogs do. Ugh!! 


Okay... that's it for me. It's now Past 1 pm, and I am still the only one up. Seriously?!? 

Mental Illness and Sunsets

I went back and forth on whether or not I should write a post tonight. I mean, I'm so busy doing other things. Okay, not really. In reality, it's not even 9:00 and I'm sitting here in bed... NOT tired at all (the girl is at a leadership retreat, and the boy is already in bed, exhausted from his). As a matter of fact, I haven't been tired all day. I've been crazy... doing things around this house, that really didn't need doing. I cleaned out my closet... this actually really needed to be done though. I had clothes in there I hadn't worn for years. My thinking was I may eventually need them, or possibly fit into them. For sure a hoarder's mentality. Seriously, I do still have two pair of size 5 jeans... absolutely adorable, expensive jeans, but who am I fooling. I'd look skeletal if I were to try to fit into those again.

I look back now, at pictures from about 2004, and I'm shocked. I was way too thin, between sizes 1-3, yet I remember thinking then, that I was "fat." Now I'm between a size 8 and 10 and I struggle like crazy. It's not really about "fat" so much as it is that my body is changing SO much as I age. The bad thing about my own negative self-evalutation is that people may think I look at anyone my size, or bigger, and think they're big. I don't. Not at all... I don't see in others, the negative things I see in myself.

Enough about that... I want to talk about something else.
I want to talk about mental illness. Someone posted a question yesterday, "For those who are mentally ill, what will happen if you decide to stop taking your medicine?" I still remember that question, mainly because of how it was phrased. I guess I have a very skewed idea of what mental illness looks like.

In my little ADD/ADHD/OCD head, mental illness is my mother. A paranoid schizophrenic who thinks everyone is after her, talking about her, plotting against her. Her eyes have that "look." Her movements aren't smooth. She can't go anywhere, or do anything in public without causing some sort of scene, and she can't possibly hold a job. She's been this way since I was a kid, and I have no sympathy, empathy, or gratitude. Had she actually raised me, or allowed one single household/person to raise me, I would be able to look back on my childhood, and know she did her best, but I just can't do that. This topic, by the way, is going to be a whole blog on it's own, one day... BUT, for now, she is my definition of true mental illness.

I don't look at depression, bi-polar, or anxiety disorder as mental illnesses. SO many people suffer from one or more of the above named, that I'm beginning to think that you have a disorder if you don't suffer from any of these things.

I question whether or not I suffer from depression. I mean, I'm the kind of person who falls into a major funk, then I start to have little panic attacks over nothing, and I know it's nothing, but knowing doesn't help. This is why I avoid sad, overly-stressful forms of entertainment. Right now, everyone is SO excited about The Hunger Games. I just don't think I can handle that right now, and that makes me feel  stupid!! BUT, but, you can pop in a good old fashioned action adventure movie like Lethal Weapon, or I can read books by Sue Grafton or Janet Evanovich, and be just fine. I like silliness... it helps me.

In my moments of depressed panic, I am non-stop cleaning, organizing, go, go, go. My way of feeling in control is to clean. These past few weeks, the house has never looked better. I at least want Xanax to help when I feel like this, but the wife doesn't want me on anything. I'm meeting a friend for lunch next week, and she's going to give me some books and cd's for the car to help me relax through a panic attack, since the car is usually where they hit. Probably because I'm sitting still for a period of time, without at least three distractions (computer, phone, television). My friend said her husband finally relented on the meds because she isn't nearly as grumpy when she has them. Maybe, after my all-day house cleaning spree, and fitful mood, the wife will relent? Probably not... the house has never looked better, and there hasn't been a thing in the laundry hamper in days. Yep... it's all real here folks. Real crazy...

On that note, I'm leaving you with some pictures of tonight's sky...

My Own Selfishness Shines Through

I started this post a few times, before I thought to myself  "I'm just going to be honest..."  "And get ready, 'cause this sh*ts about to get heavy..." As Eminem would say. I know, right?!?!?!

Actually, there's nothing heavy here. Just me, b*tching about how crazy, busy these next few months are going to be. Most of you would think this is wonderful for the wife and I, since we really don't do anything. Hey, it's fine, but I'm going to be really selfish here. These busy times aren't stemming from anything we're doing for us. Oh no, they will be stemming from things we're doing for these strangers who live among us... like in our house with us. Those things called teens, who are so freakin' demanding, yet give nothing in return.

The bottom line:

We want the boy to play a spring sport... we expect it. We are not paying X number of dollars these next four years, for him to come home, and sit on a computer all evening. He's stubborn. He doesn't want to do anything for whatever reason. He won't tell us why. He never tells anyone anything. He was smart, way ahead of the game, but now he's killing brain cells with a computer screen. He doesn't read books anymore, and he doesn't put forth the effort when it comes to school projects. It's frustrating to watch a literally brilliant mind go to waste. I'll expect him to be a National Merit Scholar, and go to the best University offered up to him. My fear for him, is that he'll let his fears of the world, and his fear of failure, hold him back... that he'll allow himself to live a less than average life, because he's too lazy to work past his own worst enemy, which will be himself.

We want the girl to stop demanding freedom. Freedom has to be earned. You have to get a job to have freedom, get a degree, get a life outside that of your parents. Even then, you're not free... you have a boss, you have a budget, hopefully you don't have kids too early. Seriously, she needs to make some freakin' friends... stop living in LaLa land. She's almost 18. I haven't seen her crack a school book in literally 4 years, and has only hung out with friends perhaps 4 times in 4 years. She's mad because we won't send her to a University right out of the hatch. We need her to prove herself academically first at a junior college. We aren't paying crazy money for her to go sit alone in a dorm room, pinning pictures to Pinterest of how she wants her life to be, or worse, to shack up with some boy, and not actually participate in academics... and life.

So, sure, I'm feeling selfish. I won a LOT at the casino this past weekend. The wife says "We should put that toward a car for the Girl..." I say no... no, no, no. Maybe, just maybe, I want a new freakin' car. This is the car I want:

You know though, here's the difference between myself, and those teens. I didn't have anything growing up. I've worked so hard for everything, my entire life, and I don't feel like I deserve this car at all.

So to BOTH of our kids, I say this:

Participate in LIFE...  It's too short, it goes by way too fast, and it can be taken without notice.

Life is work...
Life is hard...
Life is taking chances...
Life is winning...
Life is losing...
Life is doing what you love...
Life is facing your fears and not letting them hold you back...

I'm sure you guys could add so much more to what life is.

I'm done complaining now. I have to go get dressed and ready to take the kids to get their passports. The girl gets to go on a European trip this summer, and she doesn't want to go. Seriously...

Short and Simple...

I'm in a MOOD...

My in-laws are about to drive up...

My house is totally clean because of my mood...

I suppose that makes my mood useful...

We're going gambling...

I'm not sure why I shower and make myself smell good when I'll smell like a giant cigarette by the end of the night...

I have to make sure I have food to eat, because of all of my stupid food allergies...

I'm a dork like that...

You would think I ate enough last night for the entire weekend, but I'm hungry now, so I guess not...

I'm stressing about having a panic attack on the way to the casino...

Panic attacks make me feel like a dork...

My dog Callie is neurotic because she is totally depressed after her grooming...

My dog Cam needs meds NOW...

My dog Tallulah is NOT happy we are leaving...

I promise I have a life outside of this house...

I don't feel like I have a life outside of this house...

I better go... one small load of laundry to put away...

Have a great weekend everyone!! Wish me money luck. I never win, and neither does my father-in-law. The wife and her mother always win!!

Scandal in the Hood

Okay, I'm just going to be honest... I'm a little tipsy right now. Some of you might think this indicates a problem, because it's only 6, but it doesn't. When you aren't a 9-5'er, Mon.-Fri. gal, every day turns into the next. Plus, we went out and had social drinks with others at lunch. Two made me tipsy... so that's socially acceptable, right?

I think tipsy is the only way to do this blog anyway. I mean, I wouldn't be gutsy enough otherwise, because I would be worried about people I know, reading it. In case you're new to my blog, my day to day peeps, and old friends, don't know about it. I don't even know why anymore, but what's about to come is a good reason!

This is about the newly reported scandal in the hood. Or, the old hood, I should say. TCU... if you haven't read about it, some TCU students were arrested for distributing drugs. This is a big deal, because 4 of these good ole' boys were football players. Now, I'm not blogging about the story itself, which is why you won't find a link. It won't tell you anything I didn't already say, unless you want more football details. What I'm blogging about is the reaction of my high school friends, because here's the deal... I didn't do drugs. Not because I held high moral standards, or was "taught better than that," but because I grew up watching my mother do drugs, and she's literally, physically crazy. In my younger years, I always believed the drugs made her this way, and I'd like to keep on believing that, since I have teens who I would love not to be nuts. I'm just saying! I mean, we all want the best for our kids right? The best for me, is to have them mentally healthy, and not pregnant until they're married and self supporting. Well, obviously I want more for them than that, but you get what I mean. So, just know this post isn't about judging... it's about the people I hung out with, who I love, because they never peer pressured me, but I am so discombobulated with them right now!!

Their quotes on this scandal:

"I'm really disturbed about those TCU students being arrested for selling drugs." Really?!?! Weren't you the one crawling in my bed when I was 17? I was living with my TCU student roommate at the time. I don't know what kind of drugs you did that night, but right now you're "disturbed?" Really?!?!?!

**No, he didn't try anything, but being on your own at 17 is hard enough, without some strange guy crawling in your bed to "snuggle."

Or:

"What a scary world! What's next?" Well, I don't know. Possibly a friend from your distant past, such as myself, remembering driving you around after you did ecstasy. The whole group of us ended up at Trinity Park, and you guys were walking around, talking about how you saw "little people in the grass." I'll never, ever be able to listen to "Shiny, Happy, People," again without thinking fondly of that night. Then I had to be at work at 6am the next morning, but you guys weren't about to be done having fun until about 4am. I was SO tired.. too tired to deal with Rick the... well, it rhymes.

Or: (This is the best, because I love this girl, I do, but I can just picture the whole scenario playing out)

"I just saw some guys get arrested right across the street, and then they interviewed me for the news!" 
You would have to see her, I think... but we all know them. The nosy neighbor. The one all up in it, even though they never saw, or knew a thing. Being all kinds of dramatic with the reporter, her short hair, bobbing with her head, and her big eyes, full of craziness, as she tells her story of what she knows, for the whole world to hear. She's always full of these "life sayings..." again, really?!?! DO YOU LIVE IT? I mean, come onnnnnn!! I just want to say "Blah, blah, blah..." when she gets philosophical. Don't get me wrong... I can be pretty damn philosophical, but there is a time, and a place... and it's not ALL the time. Yep.

I'm not saying these boys don't deserve a bad rap, I'm just saying people need to take a step back. They may not have sold drugs, but they sure bought it, probably from boys just like that. Like them, I would be infuriated if my kids were involved. They would wish for life in jail when I was done with them... but I'm not even going to act like this is something new, or unusual. It's not. It exists. You better talk to your kids about it, a lot. Because in the end, they are the ones responsible for their choices... no one else. Of course, people don't seem to teach their kids those lessons anymore. There is always someone else to blame.

You know, I bet my reaction to my friends' reactions, is probably due to this one realization. A realization that I've continually had to face over these past few weeks....

Sh*t I'm getting old... we're getting old... and we're sounding old. You know what though, I don't feel old, and I'm saying that in a non-tipsy tone. It's gone now, as are most of my peanut m&m's. I must go cook dinner!! Tomorrow, you will learn of my trip back home. Exciting, right? Don't lie... :)

I Blog Neurotica!!!

No worries, there is nothing in this post that will make you ill. When you get toward the end, think of your husbands/boyfriends/wives/etc, etc. if you must. Seriously... compare. You'll see no differences.

In this blog post I claimed I was hotter than Melissa Etheridge:

http://lesbianhousewifechronicles.blogspot.com/2012/02/what.html

I'm still saying I'm hotter, but I also mentioned her ex, and said I wasn't sure why they were no longer an item. After the wife read this post, she did a little research. She discovered that Melissa Etheridge left whats-her-face, to be with a woman who was the "best-man" for whats-her-face, in their wedding!!!!

I really feel for these celebrities and their families. I mean, their lives are splashed all over TV screens, and magazines for all to see. Look at Demi Moore. I think the publicity over her failed marriage was actually the last straw, before her self-destruction took a dangerous turn. Then Whitney Houston died in a hotel room. Her daughter suffered a nervous breakdown, and now we have the controversy over the flags. I was wondering why people were posting pictures with military coffins, and some phrase about Whitney Houston pasted over the picture.

In this post I was excited about my biopsy results, but so upset over the death of my young friend: 

http://lesbianhousewifechronicles.blogspot.com/2011/08/friday-august-5th-2011.html

The update here is that it's time for me to get another mammogram. Ugh... I don't want to. Plus, I have boob issues, so I'm just going to tell you what they are, and maybe someone will have some advice. Every month, during "that time"... they get really big. I know this is normal to some extent, but not the extent that it happens to me. The wife is always saying "MY God, that is NOT normal." While I enjoy the benefits of how it looks, I don't enjoy the discomfort. The woman who did my last mammogram, said to lay off the caffeine. I have 1 cup of coffee a day... and sometimes I don't even finish it. I've even recently stopped getting my Starbucks green tea, which makes me think of my young friend. It was around this time, last year, that we moved into our new home, which meant finding a new Starbucks and not seeing my peeps every day. Steph was the one who made me drink the green tea, rather than the black, due to the health benefits. She also tried to make me coffees that wouldn't mess up my stomach. I loved her!

In this post, I discussed the dynamics between women, an outfit I bought, and how the wife told me it made me look big:

http://lesbianhousewifechronicles.blogspot.com/2012/02/lets-talk-dynamics.html

Well, yesterday was Valentine's Day, and this is what she gave me.

That tall coffee cup was full of peanut M&M's...I've been eating them. Then I have a whole other bag. It's on my desk... I sit at my desk to blog. Peanut M&M's are my favorite, along with Reeses Peanut Butter Cups. Then lets not forget that other box of candy you see in the picture. I've decided she's trying to make me fat. That way, when she says something makes me look big, she'll be RIGHT... pffft.

In yesterdays post, I discussed the wife being sick, and that I would be doing nothing but serving her medicine on a tray full of roses:

http://lesbianhousewifechronicles.blogspot.com/2012/02/love-isjust-kidding.html

Well, this is what went down...
The wife decided we should go out to eat, and since we have a restaurant about 4 houses down from us that we love, it made it easier for her to get out, even though she was sick. I had a chocolate martini, which I thought looked quite photogenic:

Doesn't it look yummy? 

We ate early, came home, caught up on The Bachelor (the wife and girl love it... it stresses me out), then went to bed.

Somehow we ended up in a discussion in which we were comparing sex in the beginning of our relationship, to sex now. In my head, in the beginning, sex was ALL the time, and that was wonderful for me. Then she tries to tell me it wasn't ALL the time. I was appalled that she would say that, and I gasped "What?!?! So, it was horrible, is that what you're saying??" Then she started back-tracking. "No..., no, no, no.. what I'm saying is it wasn't ALL the time, it was great for where we were, and it was a lot, but not ALL the time. Just like it's great for where we are now, and it's not ALL the time." I just sat staring at her. Then she says "See, you're good at turning things around, because I didn't say the words that came out of your mouth, but you're trying to make me think I did." Me: staring.  Now see... here is where she went wrong. She's not really listening to the discussion at hand. She's simply trying to break me of using the phrase "all the time."  She's doing this because when she does something I disagree with, apparently I say she does it "all the time." It doesn't matter what it is... so she hears the phrase, and she immediately starts arguing "it's not all the time," or,  "it wasn't all the time."

Finally, I turned to her and said  "C'mon... let's start having sex all the time, right now. Let's go..."
She looked at me, then said "Oh my God, are you going to blog this??" and I told her...
"NO, people don't want to read about that! I don't blog erotica, I blog neurotica!!" Totally different subjects indeed!! Then I decided this particular conversation was just neurotic enough, and not erotic all!

 Time for me to get going. Have a great night everyone! Hope this wasn't too much to read. I think a Vlog would be so much more entertaining, but I'm too self conscious, and ummm neurotic! 

Love is...JUST KIDDING

Seriously, I'm not about to post a cheesy Valentine poem.

I look at Valentine's Day as a great marketing tool. It's wonderfully exciting for the kiddos, and a terrific reason for me to eat cupcakes, because we all know, I LOVE cupcakes. Otherwise, Valentine's Day needs to go. I mean, I've been reading FB status updates all day long (while stuck in the DPS), and some of these people (adults and teens alike) are very upset with this day. It's giving otherwise happy people, a major complex! I just want to give them all hugs, tell them I love them, and stuff them all full of cupcakes. Then I won't be the only one feeling naughty on this day. Naughty for eating cupcakes... NOT for other things. No, the wife is sick, and I don't want whatever it is she has. Romance has left the building... for now anyway. Unless you consider my nursing skills romantic.

This was the best one I've seen today... describes real life to a tee! 

In other news:
Beware when driving the roads in Texas. We have a new driver on the streets. She's armed with a heavy vehicle, and a card that says it's okay for me to let her loose (That's Texan speak, so read it in a southern, twangy drawl). It's very scary... but she'll be okay. I did get a little teary eyed as she drove off with the DPS guy in the car with her. My thought: "Oh sh*t, I'm getting old." My next thought: "I can sleep-in now, and she can drive herself, and her brother, to school!" Hey, I can find a positive in any situation!

I didn't watch her do the parallel parking. I was too nervous for her, but I did get a few pictures of this milestone:

Here we go!! She wanted to put the top down on the car, but I told her the DPS guy (who didn't know how to smile) would not appreciate the humor on this rainy day. 

Parking... I watched this much then went back in.

They're baaaaaack.... 

This is the way she wanted this picture of herself done... so here she is, acting victorious... I suppose. I think she may be doing that damned Toddler and Tiara lip thing behind her temporary license. LOL Sparkle girl, in your black and white picture!! 

We made a grocery store stop on the way to take her to school... cupcakes and chocolate covered strawberries for the teachers' V-Day gifts, and in celebration of her passing her driver's test. Oh, and Roses, because I wanted to confuse the men who were rushing around frantically, trying to be sweet this one day of the year. My Starbucks lady said they were lined up at 6 am, waiting for the store to open. The lady doing the check-out is an odd duck, and she will jump your sh*t if you don't separate your purchase from that of the person in front of you, with a little grocery divider. She's a regular and so am I. I've seen her do it. She can be quite scary, and usually sends people running from the store, too scared to even stop at the customer service desk, right by her register, to complain. Yep... she's nuts. 

Anyway...
I'm home now, and thinking about putting on some red lipstick, eating chocolate cupcakes, and drinking wine, while I serve medicine to the wife, on a tray full of roses. She won't be able to smell them... at this point I don't even know if she'll see them!!

Let's Talk Dynamics

Let's start with this...

Of course I'm going to put it in my blog... 

In case you haven't figured it out, the wife and I are lesbians. This means there is no man in our relationship.

There are are quite a few categories a lesbian could be filed under.

Here are some broad definitions:

The butch: A woman who may or may not have very short hair, dress in a manly, or very athletic manner,  wears no make-up, and generally likes to do all the door opening, and other "man" type duties.

The tweener: generally short hair, though not always, can be a bit butch, will wear make-up at times just to stir things up, usually athletic, casual...

The baby-dyke: cute kids, short hair, energetic, some with a chip on their shoulder just in case they're judged, will at times wear make-up, but who knows when, kind of deep, moody. They're generally still between being all out butch, or tweener.

The Lipstick Fem or Fem: Make-up, nails, dresses, skirts, frillies, non-frillies, and of course lip-stick.

Obviously, there is more to all of these definitions than meets the eye, and obviously, I'm giving these definitions for a reason. There is always a reason. I personally don't like the stereotyping, and will never conform to it.

That being said, in certain situations, we unknowingly fall into a role.

The wife and I could be considered lipstick lesbians, although with us both being house-wives, our lipstick wearing has been reduced a great deal... meaning we don't feel the need to wear it for each other while at home. Neither one of us intentionally chooses a role to play, but, by virtue of our personalities, we fall into certain roles naturally. This is usually a good thing because it balances us out.

Examples:
Shopping- I love it, the wife does not. The positive- if we both loved shopping, we would have no money.
Housework- I do the majority of housework. It makes me feel useful, and needed. The wife will help, but doesn't feel the need to do this in order to feel needed and useful to me. The positive- it's my way of nurturing, and since I get help without having to ask, it's not stressful.
Heavy stuff- The wife usually does things that require heavy lifting, or ladder climbing. The positive-I'm clumsy, and not as strong.
Money- The wife takes care of the bills. The positive- I'm happy to leave it to her, and make sure her life is less stressful, and organized in other areas. I don't like dealing with money.
Parenting-Is distributed evenly. Thank God.

Why the natural roles don't work at times:

Romance: Totally all on me, which I find interesting since once in a distant past, I sneered at romance. Now I can be really cheesy and thoughtful. She has her moments, but pretty much doesn't do the romance thing. I like romance... though not too much goo-goo, fru-fru, crap.

Let's go back to shopping. Last week, I went shopping, and was SO excited about it. I had a goal. I was looking for the outfit. I wanted something cute, and different. When you wear work-out clothes most of the time, cute outfit shopping is fun. Now granted, I've gotten some cute work-out clothes, but I wanted something hot!!

Saturday afternoon came along, and I decided I better get ready early. The kids needed to be fed, and I wanted to be sure the wife liked my outfit. I walked out in the first outfit (I bought two just in case), and she just stared at me, mouth open. She didn't like it. "What were you thinking?" She asked. Okay... I can handle it. I was kind of expecting it with the first one anyway. I went to put the other outfit on. Once again, I walked out, and once again she stared. Then she said "Honey, why would you let someone talk you into that outfit... it makes you look big." This comment was followed by her telling me I'm not big, but that outfit made me look that way, and I should wear it if I liked it. Obviously I was going ape-sh*t after her first comment, so the rest of it kind of floated through the air without notice. I then put both in the bag to be returned, and went shopping again, an hour before we had to leave. I don't even know what role she fell into with that comment, though the whole thing was just ugly.

There are times when it's hard being two women in love. The wife and I both have similar goals for how we would like our bodies to look, etc. It makes us self-conscious around each other at times. If she feels "fat," she'll say things like "I'll just look ugly next to you..." Then I feel guilty for wanting to look good, even though I want to look good for her. Then I'm thrust into some type of undefined role... I don't handle that particular role as well as I should. All empathy goes bye-bye.

Anyway... these are the dynamics of how it works in our house... today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. I know one thing... it will come with a trip back to Chico's to return those outfits!

I'm Not Crazy...

I'm just...
a little strange.

I'm going to start this post by justifying my "feelings" with these pictures:

It says "Feeling a little sick, I better look up my symptoms online."  Then it says "I have brain cancer."

Do we all agree that looking up your symptoms online is a bad thing? I mean, it can create paranoia in just about anyone. Even if you're a fairly reasonable person, who knows better.

I also follow a blog I should Have Been a Stripper , and she posted this post Second Hand Sunday .

These are all examples proving I am not crazy. I just have some idiosyncrasies.

Now, I shall tell you my story:

Though this may be hard to believe, I have some irrational fears. They are health based, and things I really have no control over. One is fear of Ovarian Cancer. I have no idea why this particular one scares me the most, it just does, even with my breast cancer scare last year (well, it seems like last year). Don't get me wrong, I worried myself sick until the biopsy results came back clear, but it hasn't been a thought in my head since.

Now get ready for this next one: Amoeba... yes that's right. Look, I know it sounds nuts, but I've had this fear for a very long time. I won't jump into a lake because of this fear.  Kind of sad, when we live on the lake, and own a boat. This summer was SO hot, that after several wine spritzers I finally got brave enough to climb down the ladder and into the water. I know, I know.

People using Neti Pots, have died from encephalitis caused by amoeba, and this same amoeba lives in your shower head. This is why I was a little freaked out after my shower yesterday. I was in the shower, singing along to my music, and washing my face, when (I'm so graceful at times), I inhaled a lot of shower water. Now granted it was soapy shower water, and my sinuses and throat burned for hours. Of course, I wasn't worried about that... I was worried I had unintentionally neti potted myself an amoeba.

I finished getting ready to go (I had shopping to do, and not a lot of time to do it in), and then decided to tell the wife about my mishap, how much I love her, and my final wishes should something happen. She took that opportunity to tell me I wasn't allowed to go anywhere, but I wasn't falling for that one. She just didn't want me to go shopping. How could she deny me something I love doing, while I was still feeling so traumatized?

So, there is my story. Just know you guys are awesome for standing behind me and not thinking I'm crazy.

What?!?!?!

Let me just start out by saying I do not own rights to any of the below featured pictures. I'll post a link to each site I've borrowed from, but I need these pictures to make a point. I hope I don't get into trouble... could I since I'm not claiming them as mine? I really have no idea. I can remove them and post pictures I took with my phone!

First of all:

I'm now hotter than Melissa Etheridge. Stick with me... this is going somewhere. Anyway, say it isn't so, right? The wife says she was never hot, but I disagree:

This picture is from this site : http://lyrics.wikia.com/Melissa_Etheridge

Then we have this picture:

This picture is from this site: http://www.feelny.net/371_Melissa-Etheridge/

This is my picture. I took it with my phone, at her concert, the last time she was here. Front row... her passion for what she does is amazing, and that alone makes her hot. 

When I first saw a picture of Melissa Etheridge (many moons ago), my mouth dropped, and the thought that went through my head was "Oh my Hell, that's it, I am officially gay now." It's true. 

I didn't go looking for the year those top pictures were taken, but I can tell you, they weren't recent. 

This is how I described my thought process to a friend while we were discussing Madonna:

Sure I like  Madonna, I mean we grew up with her, right? Singing songs that made good Christians cringe, such as "Like a Virgin." 

Back then Madonna was hot (not hot "like that", I was a baby, but I sure wanted to look like her!!)

I was not hot... I was cute.

Then I hit my 20's... Madonna was still hot. I was hot. Though not as hot as Madonna.

30's: I was really hot in my 30's. The best shape I've ever been in... 6 pack and all! Madonna was still hot. 

40's: I'm cute... like a freakin' little puppy. Madonna... is still hot. 

It's a little sickening. 

So, on one of my "I just want to stay in this bed forever, and eat HoHo's" days, I was flipping through a People Magazine, and saw a picture of Melissa Etheridge, her ex, and their twins. I really had to look closely because I was shocked. Thats Melissa Etheridge?? No way!! Oh my God, she's like normal people. She's aging, and wearing "mommy" clothes, and looking a bit stressed. Her hair is overgrown with no style what so ever... hey, a normal person!!

She was not plastering a sh*t eating grin on her face. I say that because her ex said they were doing that for the sake of the kids. Just a side note here... I don't like her ex (not that I know her personally). I think she may be a little nuts. It's important to know that when you're bitter, it's probably not a good idea to make it so very public, because eventually you end up looking like the bad guy, even if you aren't. 

I did boycott Melissa Etheridge for a short time because of their breakup. I mean, how could she leave someone who stood by her side in sickness and health? I did finally figure out the real reason I was so upset by this breakup, though. It was because of the songs she wrote, supposedly for her wife (at the time). Like, "I've Loved You Before." I love that song. To have someone write something so amazingly beautiful for you... wow. So, the upset comes from the fact that she probably did feel this deep love, but then she didn't. That's scary for anyone who is in a relationship to realize. We all know this is possible, but it's a slap in the face when you're faced with the fact that life truly is not a fairy tale... for anyone. Again, she's a normal person.

Back to my day in bed:

I saw this picture...

 http://www.tmz.com/2012/01/20/melissa-etheridge-and-ex-tammy-lynn-michaels-kids/#.TzL3FZgqPjA

and I thought "Oh my Hell, I think I may be hotter than Melissa Etheridge!

I mean look at me and my rock star self...

Yeah, ignore the tongue. 

Oh and now for the beach pose...

No swim suit pictures... the beautiful wife would not be happy with that!! 

So there you go... the epiphany went from "Oh my Hell, I'm gay," to "Oh my Hell, I think I'm hotter!"

For the time being. She'll go on tour again, make herself all hot again, get up there, sing, and again my mouth will fall open in awe... Awe over my lovely wife, who will be by my side, hopefully in the front row again, because she knows that no matter how hot Melissa Ehteridge will be, with all of that passionate singing... the wife is the only one for me!! 

The real point is this... No matter how much we have or don't have we all go through stages in life. Stages of good health, bad health, happiness, sadness, hurt, joy, bitchiness... well, it's true. The grass is always greener, and more exciting when you aren't having to tend to it on a daily basis, etc etc, blah, blah, blah... 

Have a great night everyone. If you have time, go follow my temporary blog called 6 Weeks of Health. I still have much to do on it. I want to figure out how to set up tabs, and such so I can offer recipes and other interesting things I find and know. Hey, I'm a real person trying to get fit... it will be fun! Plus those posts will never be as long as these!!

Bullying...

Bullying comes in many forms: physical, verbal, passive behavior. It leaves one with a variety of agonizing feelings: about themselves, about their tormentors, about the world. Lets face it, your life IS your world. It's all you've got. Any one person or group can be the victim of bullying, and any one person or group can be the bully.

I'm posting this link to a 5 page article I've just read. Though this is an extreme circumstance of bullying, representing each form of, and tormentor, listed above, don't think for a second these things aren't happening all around you every single day. What can we do to stop this? To reach these kids... to teach them of their worth. They're ALL worthy. Don't think for an instant that the kids doing the tormenting feel any more worthy than those they torture. You would be amazed the things those little bullies go through in their own homes. I'm not defending them... no way, because I know what they grow up to be. How do we change this? Ah, there are days I feel so small....

I hope you all have a wonderful Saturday... I need to get moving! There are errands to run, and well, that's about it. I'm trying to rid myself of a continuous 4 day headache... the kind that hurts when you touch your head, you know? It's a new one for me, but hey, I've still been productive!! Morning cleaning was done this morning even! ;)

Have a great day everyone, and please read the entire article. I don't know why these things shock me, but they do. Maybe I'll post about a bullying incident I experienced as a teen. Mine was a small incident, but one that shaped my life... for the better I think!

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/one-towns-war-on-gay-teens-20120202

Conversations...

At a restaurant:

Me: Boy (insert name here, I don't call him this in the real world), will you get a to-go box for me? 

Boy: Why do I have to ask, why can't you? Huh? 

He then proceeds to do his head in a side-to-side chicken bob each time he says: Huh? Huh? Huh?

I sat staring at him while he did this, food on my fork which was on it's way to my mouth, but frozen in time, while I watched him. 

The wife: (whispering) You're thinking about it aren't you? Going through the motions in your head... like I did the other night, when I wanted to grab their phones and throw them in the lake.

I looked at her and said... "He's allergic to peanuts..."

The wife: I knew it!! I knew you wanted to throw your food at him!!

In the car:

Me: Oh look, the woman who was with the Concordia captain came forward.

Wife: I just want to know if the theme song from the Titanic was really playing while they were eating dinner. 

The Girl: How do they know what was playing?

Wife: People said that song was playing... I just want to know if it's true.

The Girl: Wow, that song has been around for long time. 

Wife: What?

The Girl: Well, I guess they would have had to ask the people on the boat what was playing for them to have it in the movie.

Wife: What?

The Girl: How else would they know what was playing?

Wife: That song was not playing on the actual Titanic...

The Girl: Then why was it the theme?

Wife: ??????????????

I don't even know what she said, because by this time she was so flabbergasted that I started playing games on my phone, while she sputtered, the boy just sat shaking his head, and the girl thought the wife was just plain dumb for not getting what she was trying to say. 

In Bed:

Wife: (about the dogs) I need a baby that loves me. I wish my bird could sleep with me. I need my Cal. (Our baby boy who died a few weeks after we moved into our new home)

Me: These babies love you... don't be silly. 

Wife: No, they love you... Look (as she waves her hands in their direction) They're all over you!

Me: I'm the one who put Cam in the laundry closet. He'll remember that one day. You know, if he was a child, I could get into trouble for disciplining him that way.

Wife: I can tell he really holds a grudge... 

Wife: ...and look at her!!

Callie May sleeps under the blankets, so we were unable to capture her on camera!

Wedding Day Jitters Conversation:

Wife: Baby, what are we going to do. The date you want is soon, and I've still got to lose this weight! What are we going to wear? Baby, we have to talk about this...

Me: :::silence as I stare at her with the look::: really???

We picked a date for our "wedding." That's the first step in planning! The next step is choosing a location, which I do believe has already been chose by virtue of having someone offer to do our nuptials for us! I just need to make sure it's affordable for all of our friends. 

Facebook Conversation edited to protect the innocent (concerning the date of the wedding):

• • Okay... I think we have a date but she said it's "dirty." I liked it because the numbers are perfect!! I'll explain why:
    The date is 6-9-12... See, it's counting by three! OR, you have 3+3... 3+3+3... 3+3+3+3.... meaning 2 threes, 3 threes, 4 threes... 1 plus sign, 2 plus signs, 3 plus signs. It's perfect all the way around... a Saturday, mild weather just about anywhere, and the numbers work. She just has a dirty mind. Now I can't wait to see what she has to say. LOL
• Well let me know as soon as possible please ma'am. And yay!!!!!
• I think it's the BEST date, bc that's our anniversary! 
• Wednesday

  
  

  • OK, I am taking the 6th through the 8th off, so let me know as soon as possible if plans will change
• Wednesday

  
  

  • Seriously I don't have a dirty mind!!! But I can tell you that she got a "look" on her face when she came up with it!!!
• Wednesday

  
  

  • sounds good to me... I'll put it on the calendar and do our best to make it happen... WooHoo
• Wednesday

  
  

  • • Plus if you add the 6+9+12 together you get 27 which is 3 raised to the 3rd power.... plus, if you average out 2,3,4 you get 3, and 6912= 27 * 256, or 3^3 * 4^4...
  • 
    

    Wednesday

    • OMG D... see!! I knew it! That's cool!!! We'll have to make it somewhere awesome so you guys can celebrate! Woohoo S and D, I'll just be excited to see everyone
      Oh, by the way... I did NOT get a look on my face LOL

  • 
    

    • D? Seriously?
  • 
    

    • • • Welcome to MY WORLD!!!!
  • 
    

    Well I guess it will be 69 to the 2012year!

    
    

    • 
      
  • 
    

    Wednesday

    • Yes it will.. and ummm, she's been drinking. Hell, so have I. LOL Here's to June 9th, 2012!
  • 
    

    • • 
        

    
    

    
    

    • • • Cheers!
  • 
    

    Wednesday

    
    

    • Cheers D!
  • 
    

    Yesterday

    
    

    • Woohoo!!!!!

So there you have it!! I have other messages from other great friends, this was just the group message that went out to my best high-school friends . I love them!! I love them all... I love you guys!!

Alright, enough of this... have a great night!! Oh my... it's still early!?!?!?! Wow...