Mental Illness and Sunsets

I went back and forth on whether or not I should write a post tonight. I mean, I'm so busy doing other things. Okay, not really. In reality, it's not even 9:00 and I'm sitting here in bed... NOT tired at all (the girl is at a leadership retreat, and the boy is already in bed, exhausted from his). As a matter of fact, I haven't been tired all day. I've been crazy... doing things around this house, that really didn't need doing. I cleaned out my closet... this actually really needed to be done though. I had clothes in there I hadn't worn for years. My thinking was I may eventually need them, or possibly fit into them. For sure a hoarder's mentality. Seriously, I do still have two pair of size 5 jeans... absolutely adorable, expensive jeans, but who am I fooling. I'd look skeletal if I were to try to fit into those again.

I look back now, at pictures from about 2004, and I'm shocked. I was way too thin, between sizes 1-3, yet I remember thinking then, that I was "fat." Now I'm between a size 8 and 10 and I struggle like crazy. It's not really about "fat" so much as it is that my body is changing SO much as I age. The bad thing about my own negative self-evalutation is that people may think I look at anyone my size, or bigger, and think they're big. I don't. Not at all... I don't see in others, the negative things I see in myself.

Enough about that... I want to talk about something else.
I want to talk about mental illness. Someone posted a question yesterday, "For those who are mentally ill, what will happen if you decide to stop taking your medicine?" I still remember that question, mainly because of how it was phrased. I guess I have a very skewed idea of what mental illness looks like.

In my little ADD/ADHD/OCD head, mental illness is my mother. A paranoid schizophrenic who thinks everyone is after her, talking about her, plotting against her. Her eyes have that "look." Her movements aren't smooth. She can't go anywhere, or do anything in public without causing some sort of scene, and she can't possibly hold a job. She's been this way since I was a kid, and I have no sympathy, empathy, or gratitude. Had she actually raised me, or allowed one single household/person to raise me, I would be able to look back on my childhood, and know she did her best, but I just can't do that. This topic, by the way, is going to be a whole blog on it's own, one day... BUT, for now, she is my definition of true mental illness.

I don't look at depression, bi-polar, or anxiety disorder as mental illnesses. SO many people suffer from one or more of the above named, that I'm beginning to think that you have a disorder if you don't suffer from any of these things.

I question whether or not I suffer from depression. I mean, I'm the kind of person who falls into a major funk, then I start to have little panic attacks over nothing, and I know it's nothing, but knowing doesn't help. This is why I avoid sad, overly-stressful forms of entertainment. Right now, everyone is SO excited about The Hunger Games. I just don't think I can handle that right now, and that makes me feel  stupid!! BUT, but, you can pop in a good old fashioned action adventure movie like Lethal Weapon, or I can read books by Sue Grafton or Janet Evanovich, and be just fine. I like silliness... it helps me.

In my moments of depressed panic, I am non-stop cleaning, organizing, go, go, go. My way of feeling in control is to clean. These past few weeks, the house has never looked better. I at least want Xanax to help when I feel like this, but the wife doesn't want me on anything. I'm meeting a friend for lunch next week, and she's going to give me some books and cd's for the car to help me relax through a panic attack, since the car is usually where they hit. Probably because I'm sitting still for a period of time, without at least three distractions (computer, phone, television). My friend said her husband finally relented on the meds because she isn't nearly as grumpy when she has them. Maybe, after my all-day house cleaning spree, and fitful mood, the wife will relent? Probably not... the house has never looked better, and there hasn't been a thing in the laundry hamper in days. Yep... it's all real here folks. Real crazy...

On that note, I'm leaving you with some pictures of tonight's sky...

Scandal in the Hood

Okay, I'm just going to be honest... I'm a little tipsy right now. Some of you might think this indicates a problem, because it's only 6, but it doesn't. When you aren't a 9-5'er, Mon.-Fri. gal, every day turns into the next. Plus, we went out and had social drinks with others at lunch. Two made me tipsy... so that's socially acceptable, right?

I think tipsy is the only way to do this blog anyway. I mean, I wouldn't be gutsy enough otherwise, because I would be worried about people I know, reading it. In case you're new to my blog, my day to day peeps, and old friends, don't know about it. I don't even know why anymore, but what's about to come is a good reason!

This is about the newly reported scandal in the hood. Or, the old hood, I should say. TCU... if you haven't read about it, some TCU students were arrested for distributing drugs. This is a big deal, because 4 of these good ole' boys were football players. Now, I'm not blogging about the story itself, which is why you won't find a link. It won't tell you anything I didn't already say, unless you want more football details. What I'm blogging about is the reaction of my high school friends, because here's the deal... I didn't do drugs. Not because I held high moral standards, or was "taught better than that," but because I grew up watching my mother do drugs, and she's literally, physically crazy. In my younger years, I always believed the drugs made her this way, and I'd like to keep on believing that, since I have teens who I would love not to be nuts. I'm just saying! I mean, we all want the best for our kids right? The best for me, is to have them mentally healthy, and not pregnant until they're married and self supporting. Well, obviously I want more for them than that, but you get what I mean. So, just know this post isn't about judging... it's about the people I hung out with, who I love, because they never peer pressured me, but I am so discombobulated with them right now!!

Their quotes on this scandal:

"I'm really disturbed about those TCU students being arrested for selling drugs." Really?!?! Weren't you the one crawling in my bed when I was 17? I was living with my TCU student roommate at the time. I don't know what kind of drugs you did that night, but right now you're "disturbed?" Really?!?!?!

**No, he didn't try anything, but being on your own at 17 is hard enough, without some strange guy crawling in your bed to "snuggle."

Or:

"What a scary world! What's next?" Well, I don't know. Possibly a friend from your distant past, such as myself, remembering driving you around after you did ecstasy. The whole group of us ended up at Trinity Park, and you guys were walking around, talking about how you saw "little people in the grass." I'll never, ever be able to listen to "Shiny, Happy, People," again without thinking fondly of that night. Then I had to be at work at 6am the next morning, but you guys weren't about to be done having fun until about 4am. I was SO tired.. too tired to deal with Rick the... well, it rhymes.

Or: (This is the best, because I love this girl, I do, but I can just picture the whole scenario playing out)

"I just saw some guys get arrested right across the street, and then they interviewed me for the news!" 
You would have to see her, I think... but we all know them. The nosy neighbor. The one all up in it, even though they never saw, or knew a thing. Being all kinds of dramatic with the reporter, her short hair, bobbing with her head, and her big eyes, full of craziness, as she tells her story of what she knows, for the whole world to hear. She's always full of these "life sayings..." again, really?!?! DO YOU LIVE IT? I mean, come onnnnnn!! I just want to say "Blah, blah, blah..." when she gets philosophical. Don't get me wrong... I can be pretty damn philosophical, but there is a time, and a place... and it's not ALL the time. Yep.

I'm not saying these boys don't deserve a bad rap, I'm just saying people need to take a step back. They may not have sold drugs, but they sure bought it, probably from boys just like that. Like them, I would be infuriated if my kids were involved. They would wish for life in jail when I was done with them... but I'm not even going to act like this is something new, or unusual. It's not. It exists. You better talk to your kids about it, a lot. Because in the end, they are the ones responsible for their choices... no one else. Of course, people don't seem to teach their kids those lessons anymore. There is always someone else to blame.

You know, I bet my reaction to my friends' reactions, is probably due to this one realization. A realization that I've continually had to face over these past few weeks....

Sh*t I'm getting old... we're getting old... and we're sounding old. You know what though, I don't feel old, and I'm saying that in a non-tipsy tone. It's gone now, as are most of my peanut m&m's. I must go cook dinner!! Tomorrow, you will learn of my trip back home. Exciting, right? Don't lie... :)