Roses, Thorns, Parenting, and "Marriage"

The wife and I have developed a new routine this New Year. I sit in my "office" with the dogs, catch up on emails, and work on blog posts, while she gets her bird out and spends quality bonding time with him. That way, the dogs aren't going ape sh*t at the door, while we try to bond with the bird, and I have time to blog, or do whatever else it is I have to do on the computer.

As most of you know, I try to get my errands run in the mornings, while the wife sleeps, and today was no exception. The boy came downstairs this morning, ready for school, in pants that were too short, AND they had a grass stain on the knee. "I need new pants." Really? I hadn't noticed (total sarcasm). You see, the boy and his clothing issues have been placed in my avoidance bubble. He thinks his "too small" shirts are perfect, and feels "out of place" when they fit "big," or in my head, when they fit right. Well, my worst "shopping for the boy's clothes" nightmare happened today. He needs pants that are a good length, and fit right around his waist because he doesn't like things loose and he hates belts. I go to buy him pants, only to be told the size he's in is the biggest kid size they have. Ugh!! I have to go shop for the boy in the men's section now. This won't help the waist issue, and NOW they'll also be too long. Not a big deal to you people, but for him, it will be traumatic. I might as well give his shorts back to him... it would be so much easier than dealing with pant issues. I had to hide his shorts from him as the weather got colder, because he doesn't even like wearing pants.

These aren't the only parental issues we have with the boy. The wife and I rarely argue, and though we have disagreements, they are few and far between, but when it comes to the boy these past few months, we have had a few passive aggressive doosies (made up word!) with each other over how to handle him. We just can't seem to come to an understanding when it comes to him. She says I let him get away with stuff, while I'm firmer with the girl when it comes to certain things. I really have different parenting styles when it comes to each of them. Take last night for example. The boy was doing his homework pretty late, which kept him from turning his computer in on time. The wife says if this is the case, then his friend can't come over tomorrow. I can't do that though, because the boy has only just started having friends over. When we lived in Dallas, their school was too far away, and there were no neighborhood kids, plus he doesn't socialize well. Now, they go to school with the neighbor boys next door, and he is actually socializing. I can't take that from him. Like I told the wife, his grades are great, and he gets up when he should, not to mention, I know what he's doing on the computer (mine craft, and chess). Compare my parenting style with the girl on the same issue... She comes home, roots around in the pantry, changes her clothes, grabs a blanket, and sits in the living room with her computer and phone. She doesn't start her homework until the boy does. I don't care about last minute homework as long as it's getting done, but I don't want the girl having her phone and her computer in her room after bedtime. WHY? Because I know what she does too. She has no sense, no self respect, and she lies about it continually. This is one of those times, when I'm waiting for 18 to come so I can show her the door to the real world, which she apparently knows all about if you listen to the endless "I knowwwwws," she throws out before you can finish a sentence. Not to mention the fact that even if she isn't doing things she shouldn't on her computer, she won't get up for school on time. We're waiting on her every morning anyway... Different kids need different parenting. Right?

I know the boy... though I say his Asperger's comes from his dad, I know he's a lot like me. He's passive aggressive, and when confronted, you might as well not expect a response, because you won't get it. More than likely you'll hit a wall. Although in my case, I can only take so much before I completely lose it. I know he needs to show more respect toward us... like answer when asked a question, and do what he is told, without us having to heckle him about it. It's just that, he's not really all that difficult. I don't know... maybe I do let too much roll off my shoulders, but often, what I see as progress (woohoo, he's got a friend, and he's putting his homework off, normal kid stuff!), the wife see's as a problem. I'm trying hard not to let things go by welcoming this "normal" non-Asperger behavior, and making excuses.

Anyway... I suppose the boy is our thorn right now. Though we love him, he's the only major thing we disagree on. The wife feels she may need therapy as far as learning how to deal with him. I think if she would listen to me, like she did on Christmas Day (she was incredibly frustrated, and I told her to go to his room, and tell him how it is... it worked), she'll be able to get to him, while not coming up against a wall. She's kind of cute when she gets all worked up like that, but, ummm, NOT.

So to commemorate our rosy life that's not so perfect (even if the boy were not an issue), I give you this song (Oh, yes I did, THE song, but oh well!!) I hope everyone has a happy day!

Dilemma

My dilemma is this:
I have taught many children for many years, with varied abilities and needs. My last special ed class was called RISE... children with severe Autism, who needed a special environment. That was us... our classroom. A very special environment created to meet their sensory and educational needs. Then I taught regular ed. My regular ed classrooms had many children in them with needs that were as yet, undiagnosed (for very good reason), but they were on a "special ed" watch list. Many of these children simply needed extra help and time to mature, to get where they needed to be.

In today's world, we expect a higher level of performance from our children, offer few energy outlets, and little time for exploration.  I'm not really sure what makes us think that just because we expect it, their mental processes and reflexes will be ready, especially when we aren't giving them a chance to grow through experiences. Sure, a few of them will be performing at or above what we expect, but this is not standard. If they aren't above average, which we now consider average... if they aren't ready to sit and listen for extended periods of time... if they aren't reading and writing neatly by the time they enter their mid semester of Kindergarten, they are labeled or put on a watch list. Infant-7 years, need a good sensory diet,  and time to develop fine and gross motor skills. Older children, up through the teen years may also have sensory needs, that if addressed, could give them the tools they need to succeed.

Over the years, more and more children have been diagnosed with all types of sensory disorders and more and more children are somewhere on the spectrum... the Autism spectrum, that is. So, with all of this knowledge, and more (I just don't want to bore anyone), my goal/dream/passion is to provide parents with support, information, and a place they can bring their children for play, and therapy/IEP practice.

Because this is my passion, you would think I would have seen these needs in my own child. I've already discussed the fact that we were having him tested for Aspergers and anxiety disorders. Well, the tests came back and they show Aspergers. I didn't like hearing my suspicions confirmed. I mean, I took him in for a reason, but honestly thought I was simply overreacting to a hormonal teen boys obnoxious behavior. He doesn't look at people when he talks to them, he doesn't like to talk to them, he doesn't expand an answer when asked a question, he has strange (slight) ticks when attention is focused on him, he doesn't have an imagination, he's so black and white... literal. He can joke around, but others often don't get it, and the child expresses no excitement over things that are so freakin' exciting.

After the diagnosis, I've been watching him. I now, truly see his struggle when it comes to ordering his own food at a restaurant, or when he is addressed by others while we're out and about. WHY then, did I not see this before? We went to Starbucks the other day (the one in our grocery store). I sent him over to check on some wraps I was having made at the deli counter. I really had to explain to this very intelligent boy, exactly where to go. He left and the woman in line with me asked, just flat out asked, if he had Aspergers. Really?!?! A complete stranger can see it ( she said because her daughter has it), yet I couldn't. Even though I've struggled with him for years over his shyness, and inability to just go hang out with friends.

Hence, my dilemma, because it's causing guilt. Had I known, I could have handled things differently with him. He wouldn't be struggling as much had I known when he was small. Or would he? I don't know. I mean, he is still a hormonal teenage boy.  I would have at least made sure he had every tool available to him. It turns out he loves deep pressure... I had no idea. I had a bunch of stuff laid out that I was taking to my presentation on sensory diets, and he started playing with one of the props. He loved it. :::Shaking my head:::