A warped view perhaps?

Thanks for following me Shiela and of course, my loyal baby! Here is yet another blog...

Hmmm… how do I like this font? We shall see. This particular passage may turn out to be a huge mess due to my need to drug myself with the hope of perhaps getting some sleep. I was pretty wiped out for about oh, maybe an hour. Didn’t last long… it never does when you can’t turn off your thoughts. No worries… my drugging wasn’t illegal… just Tylenol PM. I was tempted to add a glass of wine but thought better of it. I’m sure that’s the direction I’m heading in though. I have a dilemma… well, a few dilemmas, and I honestly don’t know how on earth I’m going to handle things. I can tell you that anything I’ve done thus far hasn’t really helped.

Let me see… I know no one likes to read a huge amount of babbling, so I’ll try to detail without the detail. I’ve already discussed the ex and my flashbacks caused by his recent purchase of a gun(two guns now), so I believe I’ll begin here…

I’m a housewife… you’ll get the background story on that later, but what you do need to know is that I am a housewife to a woman. This doesn’t mean my issues are different from a typical housewife. My partner owns her own business which takes her time and energy. I’m sure when I’m feeling as I do at this moment, that I too consume her energy. She may beg to differ as far as work goes, but when someone is “constantly” checking emails, and is in “constant” contact with a business partner be it through IM, email or otherwise, it can get frustrating. I suppose I should preface this with my idea of constant before I get into trouble. If we’re sitting and watching movies, or out and about after business hours and the emails and texts are being checked, I consider this a constant. That’s called constant distraction. I do try hard to ignore it and it's not like it takes a lot of time... two maybe three minutes at the most. If I complain she’ll just do it when she isn’t around me or she’ll feel pressured and pulled. I don’t want to do that to her, but I admit it goes all over me as of late and I do feel like I’m overreacting at times.

I know that I have major jealousy issues as far as the business partner. I won’t go into great detail as to why I feel this intense jealousy, but I will say that I’m trying hard to extinguish it, if only to feel good inside again. I suppose with me not being familiar with business ownership, I find it hard to accept the fact that my partner travels with another woman, tries to have “alone time” with her, and may add an extra day or two onto trips in order to get that time. They do things other than plan business ventures… they have fun which I know she deserves because she works hard and I know it’s her right as a business owner. I just don’t know how to phrase this… I guess it’s that she shares experiences with her business partner that I would love to share with her. Plus I feel like a kid when I go up to bed to leave them alone for talk time. Hell, I go to bed with the kids. Bleh! It’s not like I’m a competitor trying to steal the business or a kid who will constantly interrupt. I’ll be told the business partner misses “her friend,” and the time they had together before I came along. So I guess my jealousy stems from the experiences they’ve shared and will share, the fact that she feels the empathy and the need to give alone time by having me going to bed when the kids do, and that they share something big and are building something together. I know that her job is important to her on a very personal level because it’s hers and I know it’s important to our lifestyle which she loves and doesn’t want to lose, but when we started out, she made sure she wasn’t working after a certain time… and it wasn’t expected that I would leave the room so two other adults could talk or work.

I do so need some time right now too. But… okay get ready (this too is an issue a typical couple will deal with), my partner feels that her working from home has added to our time together. Yes, I see her daily when she isn’t out of town… I’m so very happy she’s here and wouldn’t trade it for anything, but how is this time together? Yes, we have dinner together with the kids and sit and watch our favorite shows, which is another thing I wouldn’t trade. I just want some one on one time… talk time, doing things time and I just want to shed myself of this jealousy… if it makes her crazy, I wonder if she can imagine what it does to me…

I do trust her... I know I need to let go of past experiences in order to feel good. Good and bad experiences. Meaning, when I could, I traveled with two of my exes when they were working. That would be filed under good expereinces. I won't get into the bad experiences, but just know I can reflect back and really get my thoughts running in every direction possible! Relationship suicide... So, I'm working on this and writing certainly helps. Maybe when I have followers, I'll get some advice!