So, let's talk about the things that could possibly be giving me anxiety, shall we. Then we shall see exactly how crazy I am. This will be a bit of a long post.
Let's start with hypochondria...
No, I don't have it, though, you would think I do. I am SO freakin' paranoid about things going wrong in my body, but not without good reason. Over the last 5 years, I have had bursitis, costochondritis, DVT's (2), spontaneous pneumothorax (3), pleurisy, horrible, awful issues with food allergies that I just cant really pin down, IBS, a bad mammogram (that luckily turned out to be nothing after a biopsy), and then dermatology biopsies, that, thank God, were benign... although there was the one on my leg that they want to watch because they could see the cells of that one growing under the microscope? Yeah... I say take that b*tch off... why chance it? Oh, and I have asthma, and lets now add panic attacks, because they seem to be back.
Please keep in mind, I'm at a healthy weight (and have been), I have healthy eating habits (not counting my love for cupcakes, which even those make me sick now), I don't smoke, I rarely drink (that also makes me sick, or I'd be a raging alcoholic, because it just seems easier that way), and I exercise daily. This is frustrating! I worry I'm going to pop a vein... I worry that I can't breathe, not because of asthma, but because it could be something more serious. I worry about chest pains... because of my friend who passed a few weeks ago from a heart attack, my age. I worry because the things that have been wrong with me, have been things I never freakin' worried about until they happened!!
I have a doctor appointment with a new doctor here in town. I'm going to BEG for xanax. Oh, and I'm going to BEG for something that will somehow help me get through our upcoming trip without the presence of stomach issues. I just want to have a drink, eat something that may not be the healthiest, and have no worries about it. I mean, lets just add stomach issues, to panic attack, to IBS... I am miserable, and I hate it. Hell, maybe I'll just refer her to my blog, so she can familiarize herself with me. I'm going to tell her that Slim Quick was an amazing energy powder, that actually helped me focus, and I was able to get so much done... as long as I was moving. ::sigh:: We shall see. The fact of the matter is, I need medication.
Next on the list is money...
I have a school loan I have yet to pay off. I don't work. I want to do something. I want to go back to school. The wife says no way, not when I already owe money for my first go 'round.Now, I want my masters. Okay fine, but I need to do something. I need to feel like I'm making a difference in this world, in people's lives. It's important to me.
If I had enough money...
I'd build a huge animal rescue, that modeled bedrooms in homes, no cages. In the center would be a huge indoor area that would resemble a living room, TV, couches, and all. Then a huge yard with pools, and obstacle courses, and play things...
I would open a school... I would run it with the idea that every child there will one day be in college, and prepare them from the beginning. It would be play based learning through the early years, and later, it would all be very hands on. No sitting all day for testing, and lectures... the lunchroom would serve healthy foods, but at times there would be treats, because kids need treats. There would be a variety of sports, for every child. they could pick what they were comfortable with. Recess would be a must all the way through middle school. The high schoolers would be the elementary school recess play-pals.
I would send my daughter's friend to school. Did you know that you are considered a dependent until the age of 24 unless you have a family yourself, or you were in the military??? That's nuts!! This boy wants badly to attend a culinary school. He's had this passion since he was 17. He's 20 now, has completed 3 classes at the junior college, no SAT scores, and took a GED because his math scores on the TAKs test would not allow him the honor of graduating high school. I went to the culinary open house with him, and I was so impressed with it. This would be his best chance of making something out of himself, and his chance to live his dream and do something he's passionate about, but his mom won't provide the school with needed information for him to apply for financial aid. She doesn't want him to go to this school. It makes me sick for him, because he was SO excited. It's a great place... dorms and all. I hate this, and don't know of any loopholes for him.
Last... the uncertainties in life.
I HATE not knowing what's going to happen next!! I hate realizing my biological age does not match my personality or desires right now (I'm not talking sexual desires). Today I saw a car zipping in and out of traffic, and remembered a time when I too would drive like a bat out of Hell, and not worry about my safety.
I hate going to a restaurant, ordering a salad, and then panicking because they didn't put the dressing on the side, which then has me pulling out my phone to enter the dressing name so I can see how many calories are in it. Seriously?!?!?! I love food, but no longer feel as if I can enjoy it.
I hate worrying so much about having panic attacks on the plane, and boat during our vacation. Then I'm going to worry endlessly about my furry babies. I hate worrying about the kids, and the situation with their dad... that's another blog post. So yeah... uncertainties.
Oh, I almost forgot... I found out a friend of ours was a member and supporter of Focus on the Family. Oh my GOD, they hate gay people, and we're gay. Really? I was so sad.
Okay... I'm wrapping this baby up for tonight. There is more... oh so much more, but I'll refrain for now. I need to get some sleep. We spent the majority of the day moving the wife's mom and dad into their new home which is only 2 minutes from our home. Tomorrow, we have so much more to do over there.
Good night peeps...
Have a wonderful Sunday.