This isn't about Aurora, or the olympics, or anything else we have no control over. Thank goodness for small gifts, right? No, this is about something I've actually talked about before... it's about coming to terms with our past. It's about owning our mistakes, learning from them, and not making them again. It's about fear of everything. WOW, right? Oh, just to let you know, I say "Right!?!?" a lot. I only just realized how much I say it.
We are always learning. Even if it's a situation from the past, we are at times, given the opportunity to learn from it, yet again, and the lesson will be entirely different. Me being who I am, jump on opportunities such as this, taking full advantage of the lesson I'm to learn. That's called OCD folks... no worries, I'm not trying to fool myself, or your guys into thinking it's anything deeper, making me sound as if I'm a super wonderful human. I'm not, but stick with me through this long story anyway, please?
I've blogged in the past about my guilt over how I've handled my past relationships. Yes, that's plural... I was married, then I had a few g/f's after that. I never had b/f's before I married... does that make me seemingly more innocent?
Regardless, I had to learn a lot of lessons as I went from relationship to relationship. I had no idea how to handle myself in any of them. I wasn't taught by example, or in any other way, how to treat my fellow human beings... unless I wanted to hit them, or yell at them, I had no idea what to do. I knew I didn't want to hurt them. I knew I wanted people to love me... and these are the things I carried with me into my adulthood. I didn't want to hurt anyone, and I wanted to be loved.
I reached a point in my life in which I realized I had to hurt someone in order to make myself happy. I didn't want to. I mean, I tried to disengage from that relationship before it had even gotten as far as it had. A few times, I tried... lets just say I didn't know how to handle crying, and my thought process back then was "I have someone who loves me more than anyone ever has... maybe it's me... maybe there's something wrong with me that keeps me from "feeling" in love." SO I stuck that relationship out for a long time thinking I was totally incapable. It wasn't bad... we worked separate shifts, I was busy, she was busy... but, I was NOT happy. I started going out, drinking, flirting, because yes, I was restless as Hell. I'm not talking about just restlessness... I'm talking about not wanting to be a part of life anymore. I was done... with everything. Now, I know I've blogged about being restless in the recent past, but this was a different kind of restless. I needed something, and it wasn't greener grass... it wasn't something easier. I say this because here is what I had already learned at this point in my life: Grass is grass... it needs to be maintained. It needs to be weeded, watered, fertilized, and the holes dug by the the wild animals need to be filled in, and allowed to grow over with new grass. This is life my friends... whether you're in a relationship or not.
This relationship started with so many weeds and holes, there was no possible way to weed it, and I had no desire. That's because it wasn't right from the beginning. It wasn't... not when I was dating two people, unable to decide what to do, trying repeatedly to break up with both, but eventually being with the one who moved closer (in my head the decision was made for me with that move), because I couldn't "hurt" anyone, and because I felt like I wouldn't find anyone who would love me like that.
Oh boy, I had a LOT of built up resentment by the time I had finally had enough. Resentment over the fact that I tried a long time ago to end things. Resentment over the fact that I was losing people from my life because I was finally doing what was best for me. Finally! I wasn't bad-mouthing to other people, or even defending myself. I was done with that. I was done with the drama I felt we were all way too old to be engaging in. I was done with the fact that something between two people became something between so many others. I wasn't falling for the guilt trips anymore. I wasn't going to be "bullied" into staying in the house, or cried into not dating others. So I started dating again, and I was living in the same house with my ex. Not the smartest thing in the world... I mean, it only made me look more horrible to those who already didn't "get it."
I had a home lined up, I was on a dating site, I had stopped going out and drinking, I was figuring out the things I needed to do, and I was at that time, cleaning out my friend closet even more... losing some because I was done drinking... seriously? They had to go too.
I met the wife on the single site. The only one I "winked" at after a boring Friday night at home. After that first date I was excited. She was cute... she made me laugh... she was easy to be around... she was smart... and I loved her brown eyes because they sparkled. She brought me a potted plant and Reeses peanut butter cups. I loved her from the beginning. I knew it was love, because I had never, ever felt like that. Everrrrrrr! ***Please make note, I do love my children. I'm talking about loving another human adult person, and being willing to give more of myself in order to make that person happy, kind of love.****
It wasn't easy... I hated her traveling... she was gone so much of the time. I struggled with it, BUT not with her, and I don't struggle with her now. I may get frustrated when she over drinks, but I love her more today than I ever have. I would do anything for her... I love taking care of her, being here for her. She still makes me laugh, she's still easy to be around.
So, what does all of this have to do with learning a lesson from my past? Well, a LOT. First of all, I've already learned many lessons. Lessons I think have made me well-rounded, and open minded. I've often wondered too, if the ex feels she's learned anything, and if she has ever come to the realization that she too, was at fault... if someone tries to break-up with you, LET them. Do not hold on and "fight," for something that you feel, but the other person doesn't. You cannot love someone into loving you. Good lesson for both of us, for anyone...
Needless to say, these past few weeks, I've discovered how small the world is. I mean, I've known how small it is, but wow. I've come across people who are good friends with the ex. The ex who I still talk to, and have somewhat of a "friendship" with. The ex who actually invited me two years ago to come and do things with this "meet-up" group that she was hanging with because "I would like them," she said. I DO like the ones I ran into recently, and because I like them I have once again been analyzing my past. I know she needed these people in her life. I know she more than likely painted a very ugly picture of me, and of the wife (one of the reasons why I didn't look into this group)... even though the wife was not the first one out of the chute, so to speak. I get it... I do, but it's been a good few years now. Years in which I've talked about the guilt, the worry, and the bad karma I felt I deserved for so long. I no longer want to feel the need to defend, but because I still want people to like me, and I still crave acceptance from everyone I come across, I end up "defending." I know, I know... some things are just hard to shake. I've prayed so hard over the years. I've tried to make it as right as I could. I've sent letters of apology, given money, but I have not given one more inch of myself.
Through this recent analyzation this is what I've discovered:
"the guilt, the worry, and the bad karma I felt I deserved for so long"
Why? Why do I feel like I don't deserve this? I DO deserve this. I had a horrible childhood. I had a horrible marriage. I had to learn from mistakes. I had to learn how to make myself happy, and I had to learn how to look out for my own heart for once. It's unfortunate that things happened the way they did, but isn't there a slight chance that things were meant to play out this way? I look at the ex, and she has a wonderful woman who takes care of her, and tries to make her life easier.
She deserves her happiness, and I deserve mine. I did not just happen into this life I'm living right now. I had to suffer a LOT to get here, and I'm happy... I'm finally happy. I deserve to be happy, and I work to maintain it every day. That freakin' grass will not have weeds, because I am armed to the max with Round-up... it may harm the grass, and leave a few spots, but by God, that weed will NOT survive, and the grass will come back. Yep!
|I love her so much... This woman has shown a LOT of faith in me, and I will not let her down!|