Regrets...

We will always have them. No matter what, we will always feel like there is something we could have done better. Especially when a death occurs. The wife's family recently lost a loved one, and the regrets being voiced, the guilt being expressed, only compound the sadness.

This is to my family:

"When the time comes that I pass from this world into the next, please don't have regrets. Please don't feel guilt. Unless you purposely caused harm to me (in which case I will haunt the Hell out of you), there is no reason to feel these useless feelings. It's the old "coulda', shoulda', woulda'." You cannot change the past. You can only change what lies before you.

I understand that I am not your first thought, or priority. I understand you will have families of your own, in-laws, friends, a LIFE. I want all of those things for you. I want you living life to its fullest. Even if it means you didn't make it to dinner, or you spent the holidays somewhere else. It is after all what I want for you... a life that is happy, and full.

I have learned that there is no amount of time spent with a loved one that is "good enough" when they are gone. You will feel the guilt... you will think to yourself, "I could have done more." I don't expect more at the expense of your time with your own families. I don't expect more if it means you are missing out. My happiness will come from knowing you were out living your life. My peace will come from the knowledge that you are surrounded by people who love you as much as I do."

Yes, my family will see this. I need them to know this.

Anyway:
I hope to live many more years... watch my children grow into wonderful, productive, happy, adventurous adults. Hopefully I will get a grandchild or two out of it (NOT right now!) I want to go back to Big Sur and New York. I want to go to Washington State, Oregon, Chicago... oh so many places. I want to live my life without regret... the regret of NOT living it that is. That would be my own fault. I'd have no one to blame for that.

Life is... continued

Well, Bear hit it head on with his comment on my last post, but I'm going to sum it up in one word.

Life is unpredictable.

This has been a rough week. We've lost two people this week who were, in my opinion, too young to pass. I think I actually blogged a while back about the first one. I had only really hung out with him once, but had seen him often at the club. He was thoroughly annoying to me when we hung out... pushing shots like they were water (well, the waiter made mine water because I didn't want to drink any more than I already had), and demanding that I sing karaoke. I was put out, put off... then seeing him with countless women, knowing he had a wife at home, had me forming opinions about him that I really had no right to form, because...

Life is not cut and dried...

I have no idea what his life was like with his wife... and it didn't matter anyway. He passed in his sleep, after a night of drinking.

The other person lost was such a vibrant soul! I loved her. She taught first grade while I was teaching kindergarten. She always had a smile on her face, loved her class, and had a daughter a little older than my daughter. We would talk about so many different things while our classrooms shared recess, and I can still hear her voice, and laugh. She passed suddenly from a heart attack... she was in her mid forties.

Life is not fair...

I cannot imagine that her smile will no longer grace this earth. Much like my young, sweet friend who passed last year, this woman had such a strong life force, and now it's gone. Just like that.

Many people find strength in their faith in God... they say things like "This is in God's hands," or "She's with God now..." I look at the wife, the kids, the people I love, and I think "I don't want them with God, I want them with me!" Selfish, perhaps, but honest. How many people would willingly give up those they love? I will take care of them... I will love them more than anything, so please, please don't take them away from me. I can have all the faith in the world, but I don't want to lose the people I love, and I don't want to be lost to them.

I think my daughter's struggle with death is shifting her faith. Well, that and her boyfriend's beliefs. We've always been a house-divide on some topics, like creationism. The wife and daughter lean more toward creationism, while the boy and I lean toward evolution. We've had lengthy family discussions on this topic. Suddenly, the girl announces that she's beginning to lean more toward Buddhism... well, okay, the wife wants to know why. As she laid out her reasoning, her fear of death was mingled within, but appeared to be the number one reason why. I didn't want to break it to her that it really didn't matter what we believed in, because our bodies, being the biological functioning forms they are, will not go on forever. Science is amazing, but much like cars, things happen... some things we can fix, some things we can't, and sometimes we throw a rod, and that's pretty much it.

Life is scary...

I find the unpredictable nature of life, scary. A few weeks ago, we saw the end result of a horrible motorcycle accident. All I could think, after seeing this man in the road, covered with a sheet, was "Does his family know yet?" He was more than likely trying to get home after work. He got up that morning, got ready, went to work, lived his life as usual, and then suddenly, that life was taken from him, and he was taken from the people who love him.

Unpredictable, scary, unfair, certainly not cut and dried.

The other day I had a doctor's appointment... just a simple dermatology visit, in which she ended up doing three biopsies. Yes, I freaked!! I freaked more so than I did last year when I was going back and forth for mammograms and eventually a biopsy. The wife assured me this is a normal thing... we're getting older. The thing is, I'm not in the sun a whole heck of a lot. On the boat, I'm always driving, so I'm under the awning. The only time I'm really in the sun is when I'm working in the yard. I wonder about the people out here who are SO dark... the wife even!! She needs to go in for sure.

I learned a few things too... the spots she found suspicious just looked like dark freckles to me. SO, these spots do not have to be raised. I also have a small, what I thought was a scar above my eyebrow (I've had it for years). She was worried about that. She said, any time you have something like this pop up for no reason, you need to have it checked. UGH!!! Why didn't I know this stuff? So, now I'm going to be officially freaked out until they call me and tell me I'm okay. I keep telling myself the dark spots were SO tiny, that I'll be okay. This is not something someone with my "paranoid about cancer nature" can handle smoothly. I would pay a lot of money to get same day results if I could.

With all of this said...

Life is meant to be lived...

I'm talking about making every day count... you do this by doing the things that are important to you. Here are the things that are important to me.

1. Loving the people in my life like no one else could.
2. Helping those in need... whether it be lending a hand, an ear, a meal, a room...
3. Being an active advocate for children, the elderly, and animals
4. Having adventures... this doesn't mean we have to go somewhere big. Adventures can happen in your own back yard. I LOVE my evening sunsets...
5. Knowing every single day that I have a so many reasons to be thankful and grateful, and happy... and that it's okay if  I am sometimes restless, or unhappy with something going on, or wrapped up in self- conscious thoughts...

I worry so much about my sad moments, my incredibly insecure moments, my moments of frustration... I worry that these moments will create bad karma, or that God will want to "teach me a lesson." Are these thoughts stemming from my Catholic upbringing? Hmmm.. Seriously, when I feel sad, I literally let God know I am thankful... when I feel frustrated with the people I love, "God, I am thankful..." When I feel insecure "NO really, I'm thankful for my health... I'm just feeling this way right now... " I have a lot of discussions with God about how thankful I am. No one really knows this about me. I guess you all do now!

Anyway... it's time for me to go live my life! Hair appointment, and then something fun. 

Menopause - Could it be?

I know, I know... who wants to read about this stuff?! I mean, some of you have been through it, some of you are experiencing it, and would LOVE to forget about it for a few minutes at least, and some of you are so young, you're immune to the fact that you will ever experience it!

Last night, we were on our way home from getting the kids from their dad's house when it hit. Well, other things hit first. I have to say to one of my blogger friends, that from the day she sent me an email with a hilarious, but frightening story, I've been having panic attacks while I'm out running errands, or doing what ever it is I do away from home. That really messed me up (LOL)!!

Anyway, on to the revelation:

The wife reaches over to poke my arm while she's driving. I suppose I was unusually quiet? I was thinking... Well, I do that ya' know. Sometimes...

Me: Um, let's not and say we did, okay?

Wife: Why? What's wrong? Do you have to go to the restroom (asked in an exasperated tone)?

Me: Yes, Ugh!! What is wrong with me?

Wife: You did this the other day! Why didn't you just go at the kids' dad's house?

Me: That's the problem, I didn't have to then!! I don't why I'm having these sudden, urgent needs. It's frustrating. Sudden urgent needs to pee, I'm either way too hot or way too cold, I can't think straight. I hurt all over, and when I woke up the other morning, every single joint crackled as I stretched. If I didn't know any better I'd think it was menopause.

Wife: Your mother did go through it at 40.

Me: Well, H*ll, there you have it.

So, I really think this has been the problem the past few days. The wife has been hot flashing for a few months now, and we've typically blamed her brain fuzz on the MS, but it could very well be menopausal, or a combination of both. I personally don't handle brain fuzz well. I'm already ADD/OCD (self diagnosed of course), and really don't need more interference. Plus, one of us needs to be thinking on our toes at all times.  As I've said in past posts, two women going through menopause at the same time could be dangerous.

Don't you feel sorry for these two? Especially the boy... hey, he's learning how to be empathetic toward women, right?