Dear...

Today is Thanksgiving here... a day we're supposed to take time out, to give pause to our actually very blessed lives. From the richest, to the poorest, from Christian, to Muslim, to Buddhism, if you live in America, you are truly blessed.

We can worship what, and where we want, shop where we want, wear what we want, eat what we want, carry guns, speak our minds, we do have access to medical care whether we end up in a county hospital or a private one, and we can wake up every morning, to the sound of traffic, birds, whatever surrounds you, and know when walking out our door, that we will more than likely make it back home later that day, alive and well. No, we don't have it all... but we have more than most. We are blessed.

Last night, I was in bed, trying so hard to sleep, and I was thinking about God... I talk to Him a lot, and I always start our conversation out "Dear God..." I'm not sure if it's because of that song I used to listen to long ago, that was considered so sacrilege, but I loved it, or if it's because of the book I've seen on shelves called "Letters to God."

Never mind the reason though... it always starts the same, and just know, that this isn't a super religious post about a certain religion. This is about God. Whether we believe in His existence, or not, most of us do believe in something, and have faith in something bigger. For me, this is God. It's what fuels us, drives us, it's who/what we turn to when our souls need sustenance, it's what we worship, what we pay homage to. SO, just know when I talk about God, I know that our ideas and beliefs may be different, but they are still based on the same basic principles.... mostly. ;)

Anyway, lets move past the disclaimer! Last night went kind of like this...


"Dear God,

What do you think? Are you proud of us? Our accomplishments? It doesn't seem to me, that what we've got going on here is something to be proud of. That scares me, because we as humans, are very proud of our accomplishments. Our technology, our inventiveness, our way of life. It scares me, because we are SO proud, that we don't stop to ask you, "Are you proud?"

Even the way we worship has become something to be proud of. These HUGE churches, gathering tons of money, to build bigger and better places, when you provided us with plenty of space to pray, to sing, to show our love. I'm talking about mountains, and valley's, and fields, and forests... the perfect place to quietly contemplate, and talk to you.

We don't do that though... quietly talk to you. We make it BIG, we expect others to be just like us, to do just like us, or we judge them. We can't co-exist. I guess we never could. Are you proud that we judge and kill in your name? I don't think you are. I think you shake your head at us, and hope we can finally get it right. Some people do... get it right I mean. Just not enough to really make a difference in this huge world you created.

There are stars in the sky, beautiful sunrises, amazing sunsets, the trees are so pretty right now (I just noticed yesterday that they're finally starting to change here!), little animals everywhere, that make it without all of the things we feel we need to survive on... all of it is SO fragile, yet not as fragile as we are with our amazing advances, and technology. Those are the things that have made us the most fragile, because we have become so advanced, that we would not be able to survive without it, now.

So, I don't know why I'm feeling so low on this Thanksgiving Eve... I guess because I see what's going on, and I'm not proud, I'm scared. I feel like I'm standing back, behind everyone else and watching. They hustle and bustle, and live, and exclaim, and disclaim. It's like watching subways rush by you, and not really even being able to distinguish the train's form in the blur. I'm really hoping that today, a day in America when MOST of us, regardless of religious beliefs, take time to give thanks, and that those subways will slow down, stop, and think reflectively."

SO that was last night...

Today, I woke up at 7, fed my zoo, listened to them play, and now I'm about to go wake my family. I'll be making them all breakfast, then taking my Cam dog for a walk. He needs mommy time, and I can take pictures of the beautiful trees with their pretty new colors.

I'm so thankful for the natural beauty that surrounds us, for my furry babies, for my family, for good, fattening food! Life is too short, it's meant to be lived, and we're meant to love each other. Every form of life deserves respect, and honor. So today, be sure to stop and look around... you would be surprised at what you see!!

Life is... continued

Well, Bear hit it head on with his comment on my last post, but I'm going to sum it up in one word.

Life is unpredictable.

This has been a rough week. We've lost two people this week who were, in my opinion, too young to pass. I think I actually blogged a while back about the first one. I had only really hung out with him once, but had seen him often at the club. He was thoroughly annoying to me when we hung out... pushing shots like they were water (well, the waiter made mine water because I didn't want to drink any more than I already had), and demanding that I sing karaoke. I was put out, put off... then seeing him with countless women, knowing he had a wife at home, had me forming opinions about him that I really had no right to form, because...

Life is not cut and dried...

I have no idea what his life was like with his wife... and it didn't matter anyway. He passed in his sleep, after a night of drinking.

The other person lost was such a vibrant soul! I loved her. She taught first grade while I was teaching kindergarten. She always had a smile on her face, loved her class, and had a daughter a little older than my daughter. We would talk about so many different things while our classrooms shared recess, and I can still hear her voice, and laugh. She passed suddenly from a heart attack... she was in her mid forties.

Life is not fair...

I cannot imagine that her smile will no longer grace this earth. Much like my young, sweet friend who passed last year, this woman had such a strong life force, and now it's gone. Just like that.

Many people find strength in their faith in God... they say things like "This is in God's hands," or "She's with God now..." I look at the wife, the kids, the people I love, and I think "I don't want them with God, I want them with me!" Selfish, perhaps, but honest. How many people would willingly give up those they love? I will take care of them... I will love them more than anything, so please, please don't take them away from me. I can have all the faith in the world, but I don't want to lose the people I love, and I don't want to be lost to them.

I think my daughter's struggle with death is shifting her faith. Well, that and her boyfriend's beliefs. We've always been a house-divide on some topics, like creationism. The wife and daughter lean more toward creationism, while the boy and I lean toward evolution. We've had lengthy family discussions on this topic. Suddenly, the girl announces that she's beginning to lean more toward Buddhism... well, okay, the wife wants to know why. As she laid out her reasoning, her fear of death was mingled within, but appeared to be the number one reason why. I didn't want to break it to her that it really didn't matter what we believed in, because our bodies, being the biological functioning forms they are, will not go on forever. Science is amazing, but much like cars, things happen... some things we can fix, some things we can't, and sometimes we throw a rod, and that's pretty much it.

Life is scary...

I find the unpredictable nature of life, scary. A few weeks ago, we saw the end result of a horrible motorcycle accident. All I could think, after seeing this man in the road, covered with a sheet, was "Does his family know yet?" He was more than likely trying to get home after work. He got up that morning, got ready, went to work, lived his life as usual, and then suddenly, that life was taken from him, and he was taken from the people who love him.

Unpredictable, scary, unfair, certainly not cut and dried.

The other day I had a doctor's appointment... just a simple dermatology visit, in which she ended up doing three biopsies. Yes, I freaked!! I freaked more so than I did last year when I was going back and forth for mammograms and eventually a biopsy. The wife assured me this is a normal thing... we're getting older. The thing is, I'm not in the sun a whole heck of a lot. On the boat, I'm always driving, so I'm under the awning. The only time I'm really in the sun is when I'm working in the yard. I wonder about the people out here who are SO dark... the wife even!! She needs to go in for sure.

I learned a few things too... the spots she found suspicious just looked like dark freckles to me. SO, these spots do not have to be raised. I also have a small, what I thought was a scar above my eyebrow (I've had it for years). She was worried about that. She said, any time you have something like this pop up for no reason, you need to have it checked. UGH!!! Why didn't I know this stuff? So, now I'm going to be officially freaked out until they call me and tell me I'm okay. I keep telling myself the dark spots were SO tiny, that I'll be okay. This is not something someone with my "paranoid about cancer nature" can handle smoothly. I would pay a lot of money to get same day results if I could.

With all of this said...

Life is meant to be lived...

I'm talking about making every day count... you do this by doing the things that are important to you. Here are the things that are important to me.

1. Loving the people in my life like no one else could.
2. Helping those in need... whether it be lending a hand, an ear, a meal, a room...
3. Being an active advocate for children, the elderly, and animals
4. Having adventures... this doesn't mean we have to go somewhere big. Adventures can happen in your own back yard. I LOVE my evening sunsets...
5. Knowing every single day that I have a so many reasons to be thankful and grateful, and happy... and that it's okay if  I am sometimes restless, or unhappy with something going on, or wrapped up in self- conscious thoughts...

I worry so much about my sad moments, my incredibly insecure moments, my moments of frustration... I worry that these moments will create bad karma, or that God will want to "teach me a lesson." Are these thoughts stemming from my Catholic upbringing? Hmmm.. Seriously, when I feel sad, I literally let God know I am thankful... when I feel frustrated with the people I love, "God, I am thankful..." When I feel insecure "NO really, I'm thankful for my health... I'm just feeling this way right now... " I have a lot of discussions with God about how thankful I am. No one really knows this about me. I guess you all do now!

Anyway... it's time for me to go live my life! Hair appointment, and then something fun. 

It happened

What happened? A calm morning? A sleep-in (as in not having to get up early)? A natural disaster, a man-made disaster? Nope... none of that. I'm exhausted, the morning hasn't been calm, and as soon as I started typing this, one of the dogs started barking. Thankfully no disasters of any sort have disrupted me, at least I don't think what happened is a disaster. Not yet anyway.

I had to go into the kids' school today to enroll the boy for another year. The girl is graduating this year (OH yes... I have a college bound teen), so it will just be the boy for the next four years.

I was in the office filling out the paperwork, though not nearly as much as last year, because he is a returning student. I loved that, but the woman doing my paperwork this year, was different from the one who did it last year. She knows me when I come in, says hi, calls me by my name, etc, etc.

I guess this is why she was somewhat confused. She said, "Can I ask who this is?" Pointing to the other name, I looked down, looked back up at her and said, in the best offhanded way I could muster, "That's my partner." Last year, I said "That's the kids' step-mother." That statement flustered the woman last year, way more than what I said this year, to the new woman I was dealing with. Then I screwed up my new year goal of being proud of who we are, and what we have, by adding "But, we don't tell people that." I'm not really sure why I added that, except that I didn't want her to get all excited and start bombarding everyone with this newly acquired information, that probably confirmed a suspicion they've all had anyway.  Though the wife and I attend the events, and volunteer, we have more contact with the kids rather than the adults. This is why she wouldn't have known the wife. Anyway, back to why I made that statement to her.You must remember: small town/small private school. The kids have always been great with their life, but this year, the girl has been more self-conscious. Remember some of the kids pray at lunch. Some are very religious.::sigh::

I don't like that the girl views a person's faith as being an obstacle, as far as accepting that we are all different. An obstacle that prevents you from unconditionally loving your fellow human beings. I can't change that for her, because sadly, history, and the daily news, prove her right. It's very hard to raise your child to love God, without seeming like a hypocrite, but in all honesty, who is the hypocrite? The person who beats down those who are different, and tells them God hates them, or the person who loves God unconditionally, and knows in their heart, that God isn't hateful, and that God even loves the person who feels righteous enough to speak for Him in such hateful and judgmental ways.

The boy doesn't believe anything at all. I take some blame for that, due to my own negativity toward religion. It took me some years to realize, I needed to fear the followers of God, and not God himself. The boy is a very literal person though, and needs strong facts. When he was younger, I had to tell him he wouldn't get presents from Santa Claus if he didn't believe in him. I mean, Santa brought the best presents! He still says he believes, just to amuse me. I obviously can't do that as far as God, but I hope for happiness and peace in his life, and that he will eventually believe in something... perhaps himself! That would be a wonderful place to start.

Eh, enough of this talk. I'll tell you it's a regular soap opera at their sporting events. The exes come and sit as far away form each other as possible, with stone-faced expressions. I think they should do pat-downs before they allow us into the sporting events, just in case someone is feeling extra crazy that day. At least when the kids' dad comes, we all sit together and talk. Hell, life is too short to "hate..." anyone!!

How about you guys... does the word "hate" exist in your vocabulary? I read an article on "haters" recently. For all I know, I may have already blogged about it, and quoted it (by the way, I'm always so impressed with those bloggers who can bring up a topic, and then link you to a previous blog, maybe from years ago, which relates to what they are now posting). Anyway, I loved the last sentence of this story. It was asking "What ever happened to the words "I don't like?" Hate is a strong word, and you must understand the consequences of the words you speak, because someone is always listening.

I'm guilty... "I hate traffic!" "I hate people." Oh yes, this is my favorite one. Let's just say, as social as I am,  and as much a I love people, I also have a strong dislike for some people in general, due to their inconsiderate ways, thoughtlessness, lack of compassion, empathy, sympathy, and for "hating" me when they don't even know me. I once told the wife (this is in another blog, that I cannot even possibly link you back to), that I would love the superpower of blinking some people off of the face of the earth. It wouldn't hurt them, they would just go poof, to another existence, in which I would not have to suffer their brutal ways. Especially in traffic!!

No one should take this personally... I'm a lover, not a fighter. I just have a bit of a fight in me once in awhile, when I'm "riled" as the wife puts it, and right now I'm "riled." Four more years... I hope they will grow to love us in that time. It's unfortunate I'm the kind of person who feels the need to be accepted by all. How about that? Anyone have any input on that? Am I the only one who is crazy like that. Crazy, because my age dictates that I should know better.

Okay... time for me to go! I've a lot to do. The morning is gone, and I can't let the afternoon get away from me too! Have a safe, wonderful Friday 13th, 2012!!