It happened

What happened? A calm morning? A sleep-in (as in not having to get up early)? A natural disaster, a man-made disaster? Nope... none of that. I'm exhausted, the morning hasn't been calm, and as soon as I started typing this, one of the dogs started barking. Thankfully no disasters of any sort have disrupted me, at least I don't think what happened is a disaster. Not yet anyway.

I had to go into the kids' school today to enroll the boy for another year. The girl is graduating this year (OH yes... I have a college bound teen), so it will just be the boy for the next four years.

I was in the office filling out the paperwork, though not nearly as much as last year, because he is a returning student. I loved that, but the woman doing my paperwork this year, was different from the one who did it last year. She knows me when I come in, says hi, calls me by my name, etc, etc.

I guess this is why she was somewhat confused. She said, "Can I ask who this is?" Pointing to the other name, I looked down, looked back up at her and said, in the best offhanded way I could muster, "That's my partner." Last year, I said "That's the kids' step-mother." That statement flustered the woman last year, way more than what I said this year, to the new woman I was dealing with. Then I screwed up my new year goal of being proud of who we are, and what we have, by adding "But, we don't tell people that." I'm not really sure why I added that, except that I didn't want her to get all excited and start bombarding everyone with this newly acquired information, that probably confirmed a suspicion they've all had anyway.  Though the wife and I attend the events, and volunteer, we have more contact with the kids rather than the adults. This is why she wouldn't have known the wife. Anyway, back to why I made that statement to her.You must remember: small town/small private school. The kids have always been great with their life, but this year, the girl has been more self-conscious. Remember some of the kids pray at lunch. Some are very religious.::sigh::

I don't like that the girl views a person's faith as being an obstacle, as far as accepting that we are all different. An obstacle that prevents you from unconditionally loving your fellow human beings. I can't change that for her, because sadly, history, and the daily news, prove her right. It's very hard to raise your child to love God, without seeming like a hypocrite, but in all honesty, who is the hypocrite? The person who beats down those who are different, and tells them God hates them, or the person who loves God unconditionally, and knows in their heart, that God isn't hateful, and that God even loves the person who feels righteous enough to speak for Him in such hateful and judgmental ways.

The boy doesn't believe anything at all. I take some blame for that, due to my own negativity toward religion. It took me some years to realize, I needed to fear the followers of God, and not God himself. The boy is a very literal person though, and needs strong facts. When he was younger, I had to tell him he wouldn't get presents from Santa Claus if he didn't believe in him. I mean, Santa brought the best presents! He still says he believes, just to amuse me. I obviously can't do that as far as God, but I hope for happiness and peace in his life, and that he will eventually believe in something... perhaps himself! That would be a wonderful place to start.

Eh, enough of this talk. I'll tell you it's a regular soap opera at their sporting events. The exes come and sit as far away form each other as possible, with stone-faced expressions. I think they should do pat-downs before they allow us into the sporting events, just in case someone is feeling extra crazy that day. At least when the kids' dad comes, we all sit together and talk. Hell, life is too short to "hate..." anyone!!

How about you guys... does the word "hate" exist in your vocabulary? I read an article on "haters" recently. For all I know, I may have already blogged about it, and quoted it (by the way, I'm always so impressed with those bloggers who can bring up a topic, and then link you to a previous blog, maybe from years ago, which relates to what they are now posting). Anyway, I loved the last sentence of this story. It was asking "What ever happened to the words "I don't like?" Hate is a strong word, and you must understand the consequences of the words you speak, because someone is always listening.

I'm guilty... "I hate traffic!" "I hate people." Oh yes, this is my favorite one. Let's just say, as social as I am,  and as much a I love people, I also have a strong dislike for some people in general, due to their inconsiderate ways, thoughtlessness, lack of compassion, empathy, sympathy, and for "hating" me when they don't even know me. I once told the wife (this is in another blog, that I cannot even possibly link you back to), that I would love the superpower of blinking some people off of the face of the earth. It wouldn't hurt them, they would just go poof, to another existence, in which I would not have to suffer their brutal ways. Especially in traffic!!

No one should take this personally... I'm a lover, not a fighter. I just have a bit of a fight in me once in awhile, when I'm "riled" as the wife puts it, and right now I'm "riled." Four more years... I hope they will grow to love us in that time. It's unfortunate I'm the kind of person who feels the need to be accepted by all. How about that? Anyone have any input on that? Am I the only one who is crazy like that. Crazy, because my age dictates that I should know better.

Okay... time for me to go! I've a lot to do. The morning is gone, and I can't let the afternoon get away from me too! Have a safe, wonderful Friday 13th, 2012!!

Sunday Chimes (or rants)

Today, I'm going to write my post before I go catch up with everyone. I have to, because for some reason, my brain doesn't function as well, when the wife is up and moving around. Mainly because when she's up, I feel like I need to be doing stuff. I know this isn't the case, but lately, I'm having issues. This is a huge rant, so I apologize, but I need to get it out.

I know you guys have read this before, but I am so tired of the judgement people hold over me, because I "don't work." Here's an announcement for all of those who feel I'm using the wife (after this long? really?) because I stay home. First of all, I love her, and would do anything for her. Her happiness matters to me, and I want her to do what makes her feel good. In all honesty, she doesn't want to do anything as far as work. She's put her time in, and made enough to retire on. That's what she wants to be... retired. The problem is, the wife is a "bean counter." Every trip to the store, every payment made toward utilities, or what-not, is another bunch of beans gone from a pot that isn't being replenished with new beans. It's hard to enjoy being retired when you're continually counting the beans. Plus she's got a tremendous amount of guilt because she's retired at such a young age. I see this and tell her she needs to do something, not because it would make me happy, but because I'm hoping it will relieve some of her stress about those beans. Or, does she want me to do something ... would that help relieve her stress?

She wants me here with her... Maybe this is what people don't understand. Could this be everyone's thought process:

Why do you need to be with each other all day? I work, my husband works, our kids go to school, a PUBLIC school. What's the problem with this? Why can't you two live like this? Why are your kids in private school when you're in a great district? Why is she at home, when she's perfectly capable of working? Why are you retired, when you should be starting another business?

First of all, let me start off by saying, we do what we do. We don't think we're better than others because those kids are in a private school. They're there for a reason. The girl had an opportunity to be on drill team, and to be in a small school environment that would hopefully allow her the chance to come out of her shell and make friends, so she can experience what a normal senior high school year is like. The wife loves her and wants that for her. I do too, but ultimately, because the wife IS the one paying for this, it's her decision. HER decision is, and would be respected by me, no matter what she she decided. NOT because she's the one with the money, but because I love her, and I know how she is with the beans. The boy is there for the same reasons. When you have kids who aren't social, and who might have a bit of Aspergers going on, you want to put them in the best position possible to help them succeed in life. For their happiness AND yours, because God help us if they're living with us in their adulthood.

Next, we love being with each other. We've waited a very long damn time, and have both been through hell, to finally find the happiness we both deserve, and we're going to enjoy every last minute of it. Even the doldrum days of laundry, dishes, and kids being pains in the a**es! ALL of it!!

YES, I am capable of working, and I'm degreed to do so in a job that won't ever make the kind of money that the wife made, but would help keep us out of those beans. It would also be a job that would have me gone from 7am until 6pm or later. Teaching is not an 8:30 am, until the kids are gone, kind of job. I was in my classroom until the janitors kicked me out at 9pm, much of the time. Some teachers don't do this, but I did things the hard way. I made sure every child's work was customized to fit their level. I made sure my centers were set up to fit each child's individual needs. My classroom was always busy, and a lot noisier than the others, but my kids were moving around, and learning at their own pace, in ways they understood. This required a lot of change and set up each day. It required a lot of individual time with each student. I wasn't able to grade or teach in an industrialized way the other teachers were trying to get me to do (for my own sake), because I spent every minute of my classroom time with those students.

The point of this is, I would be gone for long hours, and again, the wife wants me here, AND guess what, I want to be here. This does not mean I'm using her. It means I love spending time with her, and I am so thankful for the life we have. I do not, nor will I ever, take it for granted. Like the wife, I've worked my a** off . From the time I was 16, I've worked two jobs to support myself, because I was on my own. I met the ex husband, I worked two jobs. I had kids, I worked two jobs. I got divorced, I worked one main job, and many odd jobs that would allow me to have the kids with me, AND was finishing school. I met someone, I worked full-time, and long hours with no over-time. I supported us when the she lost her job due to layoffs in the newspaper industry. I will not ever, EVER have a retirement fund. Even if I went back to work and worked until I was 65, I won't have it.

So, lets try to change our thinking to this: "Wow, she's given up a lot. What if they end up not making it in the next few years. She won't have anything at all. She must really love her, to give up that little bit of security (because let's face it, a teacher's retirement wouldn't make me rich even if I was working now, but it would be something), to stay home, and take care of her (which is what I do because again I LOVE her). What a huge sacrifice, to think that if they don't make it, she could end up working  odd jobs way past the age of 65, just to eat. God help her if her health fails. Then what?" So say I'm using the wife all you want, but don't you think I sit here and luxuriate myself in the grandness of our life.

As far as my business idea... I want this to work and I need it to work. I feel like it will because I have such a passion for it. The wife supports it. I love her for the faith she must have in ME to finance it, BUT should she decide tomorrow not to do it, then I will still love her, and take care of her, and be here, because I don't want her to invest her retirement in this and have it not work. I don't want her to worry over it. The main thing I do not want is for it to come between us. She is way more important to me, and I can figure something else out.

There it is... my rant. I had to get it out. The wife went to bed feeling depressed last night, not because of me, but because she needs to feel like she has the support of others. I hate when she's sad, and I feel guilty for it. It's like when your kids get their feelings hurt at school. What can you do to make it better for them? I don't know. If I did, I would do it. She has a good heart, and she is so loyal... to her family, to her friends.  She reads every single one of my blogs, so I'll tell her this... I will back you and support you no matter what, because you are loyal, and you are good, and guess what? I don't expect anything from you, but your love.

The End...

Later today, I will post a picture blog of "A Day in Our Life." I worked on it all week last week, and drove the family crazy taking pictures of them. None of the wife... she doesn't want her picture taken. Soooo, that is for later.

Thank you for making your way through this... I love you guys!

The Past...

I've done quite a bit of writing about my every day life, my beliefs, my jealousies, my craziness, my restlessness, etc, etc etc... and I've had some very loyal readers. They stick with me through all of it, and for that I'm grateful.

I don't think I ever really gave the reason behind the creation of my blog. It started as a writing exercise. I needed to write everyday, because I had a great book idea, but needed my warm-up writing first. I wanted to blog about my life, because I felt ostracized and out of sorts. I wanted people to see that the wife and I were really just like everyone else. Dealing with kids, money, neighbors, jobs (I am a certified teacher and taught for many, many years). I felt like being a house-wife to a woman was unacceptable to most people for two reasons. One was obvious... we're GAY. The other reason, maybe not so obvious, but voiced just the same. "Why isn't she working? Why is she living off of you?" If the wife were a man, these questions more than likely wouldn't have been floating around. It would be acceptable. I was having such a hard time dealing with this... I just wanted acceptance. I wanted the wife to voice what she always told me... "I want you here."I still deal with these issues, but that's for another post.

I wanted to talk about something else tonight. I said I started my blog for a reason, but I rarely discuss being a lesbian, and what exactly led me down this path. I read a blog called Born This Way. In this blog, they have guest posts... people who tell about their lives as children and how they knew, even at very young ages, they were gay. I love this blog, the stories, and the cute childhood pictures.

Personally I don't think I could write a post for this particular blog. I don't think I was born this way. I look back at the very young version of me, and see a little girl traumatized from life's offerings. I didn't like boys... I didn't like girls. I didn't like anyone. I wasn't angry... I was withdrawn. I wanted to be invisible. As I got older, I didn't date... I had no desire. That was the problem though, right? I really had no desire. When I did have crushes on boys, they were older, and big, like giant teddy bears. I still didn't really date until I met the ex-husband. I was 21 and thought I knew enough not to repeat my mother's mistakes. I didn't. He was abusive. It started 3 months after we got married, and I still remember thinking... how stupid, I can't get out of this now. "We're married!"

I'm not going to blame the ex's abuse for my lesbianism, though it has been easier at times to let people think, "Oh, she's gay because she was in an abusive relationship with a man." If I hadn't already suffered a traumatic childhood, if I had any inkling of sexual desire for him, then I could have possibly blamed him, but I was screwed up before he came along. He would tell me I wasn't a real woman, because I did NOT want to have sex with him. Nothing about it was pleasant for me. Believe me, I was hoping that would change. Then I wondered if it was because he was abusive... that maybe had I had someone who wasn't an ass, maybe I would enjoy sex.

One night he was watching Howard Stern... I think he still has a radio show. Anyway, Howard loved lesbians, and he happened to have a couple on the show. These women didn't "look" like lesbians. They were pretty, long hair, manicures, dresses. Howard was paying this couple to let another woman have "sex" with them because this woman always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman. I sat down... wow. I had never wondered that until I saw those two women, looking like that, saying they were lesbians.

After the ex-husband and I parted ways,  I went through a rebellious stage. I got my belly button pierced, because I had abs of steel and was going to show them off. When the kids left to go with him for a month in the summer, I joined a wine tasting club and drank every single day they were gone. I began exploring online chat rooms. I "dated" a basketball coach, who was awesomely pretty. Dated is in parenthesis because we never really "did" anything, but I was in awe of her. I met some of the onliners who lived locally, but ended up dating those who lived in other states. Why? Probably because it was easier. I still wasn't sold on the lifestyle. I didn't want to be labeled and I certainly didn't want to date someone who would make us stick out like a sore thumb. I was totally attracted to women, but during my first sexual experience with a woman, the thought running through my head was "I am going to Hell..." I was not overly religious, which made this thought even more disconcerting. After that, though, I had no problems. I was a real woman... just not with men.

Living this lifestyle hasn't been easy. I've felt so incredibly lonely, so sad. There were times spent crying, on my knees, asking God to please, please help me. The scary thing was, sometimes I didn't know what I was asking Him to help me with. I've made so many mistakes and I've hurt people by not being honest with myself about what I wanted, and what I needed. By not being honest about my fears of not being able to love the way I needed to be loved. I've learned so much... about love. REAL love, and honesty, and truth, and life.

While I can't say my life is perfect, I am willing to bet it's pretty close. I do still have days, as you all read, that have me ranting. I also have lonely days, and sad days, though, I probably couldn't pin down a reason.

I feel very blessed to be where I am right now. I know that not everyone is able to live their lives as freely as the wife and I are. I know there are people out there who struggle with "doing the right thing," who are lonely, who need more than what they have. I admire these people... they're strong, and they will find their way.