I don't think I ever really gave the reason behind the creation of my blog. It started as a writing exercise. I needed to write everyday, because I had a great book idea, but needed my warm-up writing first. I wanted to blog about my life, because I felt ostracized and out of sorts. I wanted people to see that the wife and I were really just like everyone else. Dealing with kids, money, neighbors, jobs (I am a certified teacher and taught for many, many years). I felt like being a house-wife to a woman was unacceptable to most people for two reasons. One was obvious... we're GAY. The other reason, maybe not so obvious, but voiced just the same. "Why isn't she working? Why is she living off of you?" If the wife were a man, these questions more than likely wouldn't have been floating around. It would be acceptable. I was having such a hard time dealing with this... I just wanted acceptance. I wanted the wife to voice what she always told me... "I want you here."I still deal with these issues, but that's for another post.
I wanted to talk about something else tonight. I said I started my blog for a reason, but I rarely discuss being a lesbian, and what exactly led me down this path. I read a blog called Born This Way. In this blog, they have guest posts... people who tell about their lives as children and how they knew, even at very young ages, they were gay. I love this blog, the stories, and the cute childhood pictures.
Personally I don't think I could write a post for this particular blog. I don't think I was born this way. I look back at the very young version of me, and see a little girl traumatized from life's offerings. I didn't like boys... I didn't like girls. I didn't like anyone. I wasn't angry... I was withdrawn. I wanted to be invisible. As I got older, I didn't date... I had no desire. That was the problem though, right? I really had no desire. When I did have crushes on boys, they were older, and big, like giant teddy bears. I still didn't really date until I met the ex-husband. I was 21 and thought I knew enough not to repeat my mother's mistakes. I didn't. He was abusive. It started 3 months after we got married, and I still remember thinking... how stupid, I can't get out of this now. "We're married!"
I'm not going to blame the ex's abuse for my lesbianism, though it has been easier at times to let people think, "Oh, she's gay because she was in an abusive relationship with a man." If I hadn't already suffered a traumatic childhood, if I had any inkling of sexual desire for him, then I could have possibly blamed him, but I was screwed up before he came along. He would tell me I wasn't a real woman, because I did NOT want to have sex with him. Nothing about it was pleasant for me. Believe me, I was hoping that would change. Then I wondered if it was because he was abusive... that maybe had I had someone who wasn't an ass, maybe I would enjoy sex.
One night he was watching Howard Stern... I think he still has a radio show. Anyway, Howard loved lesbians, and he happened to have a couple on the show. These women didn't "look" like lesbians. They were pretty, long hair, manicures, dresses. Howard was paying this couple to let another woman have "sex" with them because this woman always wondered what it would be like to be with another woman. I sat down... wow. I had never wondered that until I saw those two women, looking like that, saying they were lesbians.
After the ex-husband and I parted ways, I went through a rebellious stage. I got my belly button pierced, because I had abs of steel and was going to show them off. When the kids left to go with him for a month in the summer, I joined a wine tasting club and drank every single day they were gone. I began exploring online chat rooms. I "dated" a basketball coach, who was awesomely pretty. Dated is in parenthesis because we never really "did" anything, but I was in awe of her. I met some of the onliners who lived locally, but ended up dating those who lived in other states. Why? Probably because it was easier. I still wasn't sold on the lifestyle. I didn't want to be labeled and I certainly didn't want to date someone who would make us stick out like a sore thumb. I was totally attracted to women, but during my first sexual experience with a woman, the thought running through my head was "I am going to Hell..." I was not overly religious, which made this thought even more disconcerting. After that, though, I had no problems. I was a real woman... just not with men.
Living this lifestyle hasn't been easy. I've felt so incredibly lonely, so sad. There were times spent crying, on my knees, asking God to please, please help me. The scary thing was, sometimes I didn't know what I was asking Him to help me with. I've made so many mistakes and I've hurt people by not being honest with myself about what I wanted, and what I needed. By not being honest about my fears of not being able to love the way I needed to be loved. I've learned so much... about love. REAL love, and honesty, and truth, and life.
While I can't say my life is perfect, I am willing to bet it's pretty close. I do still have days, as you all read, that have me ranting. I also have lonely days, and sad days, though, I probably couldn't pin down a reason.
I feel very blessed to be where I am right now. I know that not everyone is able to live their lives as freely as the wife and I are. I know there are people out there who struggle with "doing the right thing," who are lonely, who need more than what they have. I admire these people... they're strong, and they will find their way.