A Quickly Written Post!

I don't have a lot of time today, but wanted to visit while I had the chance.

We've been busy getting the wife's parents moved in just down the road from us. YES, they finally found a home they love. It's beautiful, and it has a pool! The girl and I swam in it before they moved in. I had to go over and make sure it was cleaned before they arrived (I mean, no one wants to walk into a home they just purchased, and then have to clean it), so I swam when I was finished! I sure do miss swimming. I was once on a swim team you know.

Anyway, I helped as much as I could until I fell ill. Yep, I'm sick now. I started my antibiotic yesterday, so with any luck at all, I'll be feeling better by Friday. Um, that's tomorrow!!! I have to feel better by tomorrow!!!

We are going on the most amazing vacation, a once in a lifetime type of thing for 10 days, and I'm not bragging, I'm leading up to something that has me completely flabbergasted.

Last night, well, the past few nights, the boy has been very negative about this trip. I finally lost it last night, and went what the wife calls, apesh*t on him. Don't worry, not physically, but verbally. I mean a rant... "You and your sister are both spoiled. All upset about a trip because GOD forbid you won't have access to internet or your precious phones... really?!?!?!" The girl is sitting there saying she didn't do anything, but she's been b*tching about it too. Then,  "You'll be lucky you have those things when we get back! No appreciation!" It goes on, but nothing exciting. The wife said that I needed to give him the option of going to his dads 10 days early. So I told him that regardless of his decision, he needed to have a bag packed today, because he was either going with us on Friday, or being taken to his dad's tonight. He said "Okay..." I told the wife, I would really have a fit if he "decided" not to go. She said that's when I make him go. Ugh! I shouldn't have to make him! Life is meant to be lived! Life is meant for new experiences, and this is going to a wonderful experience!! Not to mention  the fact that he will be going to his dad's as soon as we return, and he won't have anything to do there, except internet, and movies all day long.

I haven't posted about this, but it's something that has had me bothered for a weeks now. The kids are supposed to go with their dad for one month in the summer. This year, the girl is not going, and this is going to be ugly, because I don't think their dad realizes this. She's 18 now, she has a job that she'll start when we get back from vacation, and she's going to be going to college. She has stated she will NOT be going. I can't make her. She hasn't had a "normal" life due to these visitations. She hasn't been able to get a job before this because of them, and she has missed out on SO many events, and functions because of them. Now she is quite resentful, and she's playing catch up.

So the boy wanted to know "What about me? What will I be doing?" My head was spinning. I don't want him there alone all day. I tried to tell the girl that if she went this one last summer, I'd give her money, and a car to drive herself, and her brother around in. It didn't work.

I can't put him in camps there because his dad won't be able to take him. I was going to try to work something out in which he just goes over there every weekend that month, except of course for the week their dad has taken off, but that plan changed a few Thursdays ago. He called and asked why the kids weren't there on a Thursday night, since school was out. Here is what I said to him: "Well, I figured since Thursday was your late night, and since you worked all day Friday, you wouldn't want them sitting there bored." I said "The boy plays tennis all week, and he has a Tuesday and Thursday night league he plays on... if they have to come on Thursday nights, he'll miss that evening of tennis, along with Friday morning tennis... he LOVES tennis." This all fell on deaf ears. He wants them there Thursday nights. SO of course I didn't try to bargain for the weekends thing in July because he just doesn't care about that. He wants them there when he comes home from work, no matter how late that may be. I feel for the boy, and I fear we're going to backtrack through all of the progress that we've made these past few months with him.

I get that he is their dad, but most dad's would want their kids doing things. They would want them to have a life, and friends, and all of the opportunities that are afforded them. They would say things like "Right, I do work late on Thursday nights, so I'll come take them to dinner on Wednesday nights instead, and then I'll see what lies ahead on their schedule, and I'll work on that in my schedule." I am completely open to him seeing them whenever he wants. I just want them to have a free life with the ability to pick and choose their activities without constantly worrying over how this will affect the peace at home, because I'm going to be honest, the reason I don't encourage sports in this house, is because I know what that will do to visitation, and that stresses me to no end. Though I don't say anything, I'm sure they can sense it. I'm not one who has ever been good at hiding my stress. Although, maybe I've gotten better at it, and this is why I have panic attacks... because it builds?

Anyway, I know I have a ton of reading to catch up on with all of you, and tonight, while I'm sitting in bed, I'll do that! Right now, I'm writing what will be my last post for 10 days... YES, I am so very excited about it!

As long as I'm not feeling as bad as I am right now, and as long as I hear from the pet/house sitter, I will feel SO much less stressed. I better get going... lots to do, lots to do!!

What is this frenzy?!?!

These past few days/weeks I have been in a bit of a frenzy. It's not a good frenzy. It's kind of a hyped up, anxiety ridden frenzy. Anxiety, why? I dunno... which is making me nuts.

So, let's talk about the things that could possibly be giving me anxiety, shall we. Then we shall see exactly how crazy I am. This will be a bit of a long post.

Let's start with hypochondria...

No, I don't have it, though, you would think I do. I am SO freakin' paranoid about things going wrong in my body, but not without good reason. Over the last 5 years, I have had bursitis, costochondritis, DVT's (2), spontaneous pneumothorax (3), pleurisy, horrible, awful issues with food allergies that I just cant really pin down, IBS, a bad mammogram (that luckily turned out to be nothing after a biopsy), and then dermatology biopsies, that, thank God, were benign... although there was the one on my leg that they want to watch because they could see the cells of that one growing under the microscope? Yeah... I say take that b*tch off... why chance it? Oh, and I have asthma, and lets now add panic attacks, because they seem to be back.

Please keep in mind, I'm at a healthy weight (and have been), I have healthy eating habits (not counting my love for cupcakes, which even those make me sick now), I don't smoke, I rarely drink (that also makes me sick, or I'd be a raging alcoholic, because it just seems easier that way), and I exercise daily. This is frustrating! I worry I'm going to pop a vein... I worry that I can't breathe, not because of asthma, but because it could be something more serious. I worry about chest pains... because of my friend who passed a few weeks ago from a heart attack, my age. I worry because the things that have been wrong with me, have been things I never freakin' worried about until they happened!!

I have a doctor appointment with a new doctor here in town. I'm going to BEG for xanax. Oh, and I'm going to BEG for something that will somehow help me get through our upcoming trip without the presence of stomach issues. I just want to have a drink, eat something that may not be the healthiest, and have no worries about it. I mean, lets just add stomach issues, to panic attack, to IBS... I am miserable, and I hate it. Hell, maybe I'll just refer her to my blog, so she can familiarize herself with me. I'm going to tell her that Slim Quick was an amazing energy powder, that actually helped me focus, and I was able to get so much done... as long as I was moving. ::sigh:: We shall see. The fact of the matter is, I need medication.

Next on the list is money...

I have a school loan I have yet to pay off. I don't work. I want to do something. I want to go back to school. The wife says no way, not when I already owe money for my first go 'round.Now, I want my masters. Okay fine, but I need to do something. I need to feel like I'm making a difference in this world, in people's lives. It's important to me.

If I had enough money...

I'd build a huge animal rescue, that modeled bedrooms in homes, no cages. In the center would be a huge indoor area that would resemble a living room, TV, couches, and all. Then a huge yard with pools, and obstacle courses, and play things...

I would open a school... I would run it with the idea that every child there will one day be in college, and prepare them from the beginning. It would be play based learning through the early years, and later, it would all be very hands on. No sitting all day for testing, and lectures... the lunchroom would serve healthy foods, but at times there would be treats, because kids need treats. There would be a variety of sports, for every child. they could pick what they were comfortable with. Recess would be a must all the way through middle school. The high schoolers would be the elementary school recess play-pals.

I would send my daughter's friend to school. Did you know that you are considered a dependent until the age of 24 unless you have a family yourself, or you were in the military??? That's nuts!! This boy wants badly to attend a culinary school. He's had this passion since he was 17. He's 20 now, has completed 3 classes at the junior college, no SAT scores, and took a GED because his math scores on the TAKs test would not allow him the honor of graduating high school. I went to the culinary open house with him, and I was so impressed with it. This would be his best chance of making something out of himself, and his chance to live his dream and do something he's passionate about, but his mom won't provide the school with needed information for him to apply for financial aid. She doesn't want him to go to this school. It makes me sick for him, because he was SO excited. It's a great place... dorms and all. I hate this, and don't know of any loopholes for him.

Last... the uncertainties in life.

I HATE not knowing what's going to happen next!! I hate realizing my biological age does not match my personality or desires right now (I'm not talking sexual desires). Today I saw a car zipping in and out of traffic, and remembered a time when I too would drive like a bat out of Hell, and not worry about my safety.

I hate going to a restaurant, ordering a salad, and then panicking because they didn't put the dressing on the side, which then has me pulling out my phone to enter the dressing name so I can see how many calories are in it. Seriously?!?!?! I love food, but no longer feel as if I can enjoy it.

I hate worrying so much about having panic attacks on the plane, and boat during our vacation. Then I'm going to worry endlessly about my furry babies. I hate worrying about the kids, and the situation with their dad... that's another blog post. So yeah... uncertainties.

Oh, I almost forgot... I found out a friend of ours was a member and supporter of Focus on the Family. Oh my GOD, they hate gay people, and we're gay. Really? I was so sad.

Okay... I'm wrapping this baby up for tonight. There is more... oh so much more, but I'll refrain for now. I need to get some sleep. We spent the majority of the day moving the wife's mom and dad into their new home which is only 2 minutes from our home. Tomorrow, we have so much more to do over there.

Good night peeps...

Have a wonderful Sunday.

Music in my head

Do you ever wake up with a song in your head? Today's song was "Summertime, summertime, sum, sum, summertime..." I'm sure most of you know this one! I don't know why I woke with this song. I guess because I actually got to sleep in until 9 am! I've been incredibly worn out these past few weeks. 

I didn't blog about it, but the wife and I officially made things as official as they can be considering we  live in the land of no equality, no freedom, no liberty, and no justice... at least not for ALL citizens. It's always been this way... just different groups of people through different periods in history. 

I normally refrain from equality discussions (unless I'm pushed too far with news stories that do at times overwhelm me), and such, on here. I mean, that really wasn't the purpose of my blog. I didn't set it up as a trail blazing testament for gay rights. 

That being said, I can't tell you how ridiculous it felt, putting these stamps on our "commitment ceremony" invites.

Can we sue the good ole' USA for false advertising? Sue for our rights?

Or how belittling it felt to have to call it a "commitment ceremony," rather than a "wedding," because that's just not acceptable. I will say that we have the best friends ever. They called it a wedding... they all came... they all showed support, and love, and acceptance beyond what I could have ever imagined. 

We had the most wonderful evening with about 60 of our closest friends. I can't tell you how good it felt to look at all of those people, and know that they are indeed our closest friends. For someone who fought long and hard to try to love this small town, it finally came. I love going somewhere and seeing someone I know, whether it's the gym, the grocery store, the spa, or the landscape store. I love that the boy can just get up, walk to the tennis courts and have a session with the pro. I love that we can be driving down the road, see the girl driving the other way, see that she is on the phone while driving, and then scold her for it, because she can't lie about it when we saw her. I love the local coffee house, and the amazingly hot landscaper who has been doing some work for us (the wife and I both think he is hot). I met this guy at the gym, and didn't really notice how very hot he is. Whew! The next time he comes, we're supposed to call our friends over for coffee, so they can stare at him with us. I love that! 

Okay... enough of this big ole' love session. I will post pictures from Saturday's event when our photographer gets the proofs ready. 

Oh, one thing I need to say is that the wife and I didn't just decide to have this ceremony out of the blue. We've been planning since Christmas... through all of this we've suffered through some "emotional distance" issues, but made our way back, then forth, then back... My point is, we didn't decide to do this because of the issues with emotional distance. I think a lot of people think more of a commitment will seal that distance... and I will be the first to say if you're doing it for that reason, then step back and don't do it. I will also say that life is not always going to be happy, sappy (thank goodness). If you have the strength in your relationship to work through the hardest parts, then you have the commitment. Apparently the wife and I are committed enough that we can gawk over the hotness of the landscaper and be okay with that!! I wonder... should I try to take a picture of him? Hmmm... :p~~~~

Life is... continued

Well, Bear hit it head on with his comment on my last post, but I'm going to sum it up in one word.

Life is unpredictable.

This has been a rough week. We've lost two people this week who were, in my opinion, too young to pass. I think I actually blogged a while back about the first one. I had only really hung out with him once, but had seen him often at the club. He was thoroughly annoying to me when we hung out... pushing shots like they were water (well, the waiter made mine water because I didn't want to drink any more than I already had), and demanding that I sing karaoke. I was put out, put off... then seeing him with countless women, knowing he had a wife at home, had me forming opinions about him that I really had no right to form, because...

Life is not cut and dried...

I have no idea what his life was like with his wife... and it didn't matter anyway. He passed in his sleep, after a night of drinking.

The other person lost was such a vibrant soul! I loved her. She taught first grade while I was teaching kindergarten. She always had a smile on her face, loved her class, and had a daughter a little older than my daughter. We would talk about so many different things while our classrooms shared recess, and I can still hear her voice, and laugh. She passed suddenly from a heart attack... she was in her mid forties.

Life is not fair...

I cannot imagine that her smile will no longer grace this earth. Much like my young, sweet friend who passed last year, this woman had such a strong life force, and now it's gone. Just like that.

Many people find strength in their faith in God... they say things like "This is in God's hands," or "She's with God now..." I look at the wife, the kids, the people I love, and I think "I don't want them with God, I want them with me!" Selfish, perhaps, but honest. How many people would willingly give up those they love? I will take care of them... I will love them more than anything, so please, please don't take them away from me. I can have all the faith in the world, but I don't want to lose the people I love, and I don't want to be lost to them.

I think my daughter's struggle with death is shifting her faith. Well, that and her boyfriend's beliefs. We've always been a house-divide on some topics, like creationism. The wife and daughter lean more toward creationism, while the boy and I lean toward evolution. We've had lengthy family discussions on this topic. Suddenly, the girl announces that she's beginning to lean more toward Buddhism... well, okay, the wife wants to know why. As she laid out her reasoning, her fear of death was mingled within, but appeared to be the number one reason why. I didn't want to break it to her that it really didn't matter what we believed in, because our bodies, being the biological functioning forms they are, will not go on forever. Science is amazing, but much like cars, things happen... some things we can fix, some things we can't, and sometimes we throw a rod, and that's pretty much it.

Life is scary...

I find the unpredictable nature of life, scary. A few weeks ago, we saw the end result of a horrible motorcycle accident. All I could think, after seeing this man in the road, covered with a sheet, was "Does his family know yet?" He was more than likely trying to get home after work. He got up that morning, got ready, went to work, lived his life as usual, and then suddenly, that life was taken from him, and he was taken from the people who love him.

Unpredictable, scary, unfair, certainly not cut and dried.

The other day I had a doctor's appointment... just a simple dermatology visit, in which she ended up doing three biopsies. Yes, I freaked!! I freaked more so than I did last year when I was going back and forth for mammograms and eventually a biopsy. The wife assured me this is a normal thing... we're getting older. The thing is, I'm not in the sun a whole heck of a lot. On the boat, I'm always driving, so I'm under the awning. The only time I'm really in the sun is when I'm working in the yard. I wonder about the people out here who are SO dark... the wife even!! She needs to go in for sure.

I learned a few things too... the spots she found suspicious just looked like dark freckles to me. SO, these spots do not have to be raised. I also have a small, what I thought was a scar above my eyebrow (I've had it for years). She was worried about that. She said, any time you have something like this pop up for no reason, you need to have it checked. UGH!!! Why didn't I know this stuff? So, now I'm going to be officially freaked out until they call me and tell me I'm okay. I keep telling myself the dark spots were SO tiny, that I'll be okay. This is not something someone with my "paranoid about cancer nature" can handle smoothly. I would pay a lot of money to get same day results if I could.

With all of this said...

Life is meant to be lived...

I'm talking about making every day count... you do this by doing the things that are important to you. Here are the things that are important to me.

1. Loving the people in my life like no one else could.
2. Helping those in need... whether it be lending a hand, an ear, a meal, a room...
3. Being an active advocate for children, the elderly, and animals
4. Having adventures... this doesn't mean we have to go somewhere big. Adventures can happen in your own back yard. I LOVE my evening sunsets...
5. Knowing every single day that I have a so many reasons to be thankful and grateful, and happy... and that it's okay if  I am sometimes restless, or unhappy with something going on, or wrapped up in self- conscious thoughts...

I worry so much about my sad moments, my incredibly insecure moments, my moments of frustration... I worry that these moments will create bad karma, or that God will want to "teach me a lesson." Are these thoughts stemming from my Catholic upbringing? Hmmm.. Seriously, when I feel sad, I literally let God know I am thankful... when I feel frustrated with the people I love, "God, I am thankful..." When I feel insecure "NO really, I'm thankful for my health... I'm just feeling this way right now... " I have a lot of discussions with God about how thankful I am. No one really knows this about me. I guess you all do now!

Anyway... it's time for me to go live my life! Hair appointment, and then something fun.