This is going to be a repost of a blog I wrote a LONG time ago on another site. I didn’t save many of those last blogs because they were beginning to border on dark. I was going through such a hard time… literally falling apart. I learned a lot about myself during that period, and the lessons came from moments such as the one I’m about to post. Though I didn’t walk away with all of the answers, it was one of the few moments my heart didn’t ache.
I’ll never forget this day…
I've been participating in some self therapy... trying to "throw away" this swirl of emotions that seems to keep me from feeling as if I have any control at all over my life.
The Therapy: I collect a handful of rocks, all different sizes. Every rock represents something negative that needs to be let go of. I hold each rock in my hand and think hard about what that particular rock represents. After I’m sure of what I’m tossing away, I throw it into the lake, watch it hit the water, and sink. It's interesting to watch the effect the rock has on the water, because that is the exact same effect that negative feeling has on your life. It causes a ripple effect. At first the ripple is right around where the rock hits, but then it spreads... the ripple gets bigger, then smaller ripples form around the larger one.
Once the ripples spread to such great proportions, how do you go about ridding yourself of the effects? That is the question I'm dealing with. I sit by the lake on weekends and toss rocks, leaves, whatever I can find. Ha! I write blogs... a lot of them. I want to let it go. You know the song... "Just let it go, let it roll right off your shoulders..." This need to let it go... tonight... I cling to that need. Why can't I just let it go? Then I had another thought… I don't want to be another person's ripples. I mean... seriously, as I threw those rocks, I realized almost every single one of them had some hurt feeling caused by someone in my life, and let’s be honest here, my own feelings of inadequacy. Maybe that's just me because the people in my life ARE my life. I want to be everything to them, but they haven’t been everything to me.
Yesterday, while I was throwing my rocks into the lake, there was a kid out there playing his guitar. It was very peaceful...
I was throwing some pretty big rocks... I try closing my eyes right now and imagining the sound of the biggest rock hitting the water... I imagine the ripples... I imagine the breeze and the guitar... but I still feel that rock inside of me... it's not enough.
Eventually, it was enough. I had a lot of days such as the one described here, and a lot of chaos too. I was going out, drinking, trying to please and impress, only to find myself more alone than ever before. I look around now… I see my sweet puppy sleeping peacefully at my feet, and my sweet, sick wife sleeping next to me. I hear my kids call my wife “mother”… my, my how life can change when we take a chance. I made myself a promise… I’ll expect more, give more, and never, ever forget the rough road behind me. I’ll never take this love for granted. I’m so thankful for my family… for the love, and for every smile we share. I know that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries and that we need to savor each sweet bite!
No comments:
Post a Comment