Loss and The Wife

I have so much in my head, and I'm not really sure where to start!

This very long, physically and mentally exhausting weekend is coming to a fast end. We've had to say goodbye to our Tom cat, we had family stop in for one night (this was great because we really do enjoy them), and we've flipped a coin several times, trying to decide what we should do as far as buying this house. We're supposed to be closing in a few days, so obviously that's what we will do. The coin flipping is just our way of making us feel like we have some modicum of control over our fate. In other words, if the coin shows two out of three times that we should buy the house, then we feel as if we've made the right choice. It did!... Woohoo, we're on the right track then!

Dealing with the loss of  Thomas has been quite an eye-opener. It's been much harder than I suspected. As an adult who has had the experience of losing people and pets I've loved, I'm surprised by how much the finality of each loss seems to take me off guard. My mind takes me through the process of rediscovering this finality as I do small things around the house that remind me that Tom is gone. Spraying air freshener, lighting candles, making the bed, starting the laundry... Tom was always around.

As I blog about this loss, I know that eventually we'll be dealing with the loss of another beloved pet. We have a dog that is 16 years old. Calvin is the furry elder... the one we thought would go first. He's blind, deaf, and senile. He gets stomach upsets frequently, walks around endlessly, and is neurotic as all hell. If you bump into him, he'll tip over. Sometimes he tips over when no one, or no animal, is around.

Though we think we're prepared for the loss of Calvin, I know it will be hard. Here's a short story about the wife and her strange way of trying to handle the loss of our animals.

We had gotten the diagnosis for Thomas a few days before and were discussing what we should do for him. Should we try to keep him alive, should we treat him until his kidneys finally lose the battle, should we let him go naturally, or should we call the pet hospice and have him put down? When the topic of having Thomas put down was addressed, Calvin paced by us. The wife picked him up, hugged him, and was talking to him about how they would miss Thomas. She then said to Calvin "Calvin, do you want to go to heaven with Thomas?" Can I just say I was horrified?! I took Calvin from her and told her to pull herself together. Calvin was NOT ready to go yet. He may be difficult, blind, and deaf, but he is not ready to give up the fight. Hmphh... I then stalked off with him. I hope Calvin will always remember how I helped him dodge that particular bullet. ;o)

Adventures in Sleep-land

How many of you liked Alice in Wonderland? Ah Wonderland... the place of dreams? Not good dreams though... I didn't like the animated version as a kid, and I definitely didn't like the new one with Johnny Depp. It was dark, but alas it was a dream... whew! I sure was relieved to discover that! Dreams... they seem to take every one of your worries and fears and combine them into a horrible nightmare of bizarre circumstances that you are relieved to wake from. Poor Alice was a victim of her own fears and imagination!

Well, here is MY adventure in sleep-land (last night):

The wife and I were picking the kids up from their dad's house. He wasn't home, so I wanted to go in the house, find his guns, and take them. I searched the whole home (not the home he is actually in right now). The rooms are still so vivid, but I won't bore you with the details.  I head to his room and find a strange armoire, that is locked. I panic, thinking he's stock-loading guns, but when I finally get it open, I see clothing, misc. items, and two small black cases, which I took 

                                                    with me. I suppose those were the guns.      

Then things switched to the kids and I am telling them that they are not to tell anyone that I have his guns, which then immediately switched to me driving through a neighborhood, with my daughter on her bike behind the car. I have no idea why... Every time I would get to a road, people were blocking it, not letting me drive through... and they were angry. I finally pushed past a group people, and sped down the road to escape them. I turned another corner and saw water rushing down the street. I wondered if the people were blocking the roads due to the water, but I knew the initial reason was because they didn't want strange people in their neighborhood. So confusing, and then again it switched to me and a friend from the past. We were in a weird hotel, trying to get a cab. The cab finally showed up, but it was an odd circular thing that we would have had to curl up in so they could close it. I threw a fit, asking if there was any way we could just sit up in it... "I am way too claustrophobic for that!" 

I then woke up... thank goodness.

Dream Interpretation:

I do harbor a fear as far as the ex and his guns. My very first blog addressed this topic, because I had only just found out about his purchase. I struggle with this fear. Is it illogical? Is it crazy? I mean, I do have a mother who is paranoid schizophrenic... do I exhibit some of that "unreasonable" fear? (skip insomnia night, the stress is really getting to me) I then try to address the logical side of my fear... he has been violent in the past. He does lean toward depression. He does have control issues. I read news stories almost every single day about people who have taken the lives of their children, their spouse, their ex... I really need these next five years to pass quickly... I really need to be convinced that my fear of him is illogical.

The neighborhood thing could apply to our new move. We're worried about the politics of the neighborhood we're moving into. It's on a marina with a yacht and tennis club. Apparently an adult Disneyland. We worry about acceptance. We worry about the party atmosphere. We worry... it's a huge move.

The wife thinks the cab portion of the dream means I want to go fetal, but that I am not there quite yet. I'll accept this. It's very hard watching your cat die... it's very hard watching your wife cry her eyes out over the worry of the new home purchase, the stress of selling her half of the company (the payout is 7 years- huge risk when you worry about the other business partner's ability to keep things running and growing), and the loss of the cat. There is really nothing I can do to make it better. I watch to make sure her MS isn't flaring... hard when she tries to hide her symptoms, but I'm good. I offer encouragement. My heart hurts for her, plain and simple. 

Blog Interpretation:

We need to get past these next twelve days...   quickly please! 

Today...

In my Global Warming blog, I mentioned that we finally made it out of our drive-way because we had to take the cat to the vet. Thomas (Tom Tom) is 13 years old and has never been sick. In fact, he's been in terrific shape until now. During that snow, we were home all day for 6 days straight. I suppose this is how I finally noticed Thomas wasn't feeling well. He was meowing a LOT and having a hard time jumping up on the washing machine, where his food and water are kept. I let the wife know and we decided to get him to the vet. That was no easy feat during the bad weather, because our vet's office was closed, as were a few others.

The prognosis, after finally finding a vet, was kidney failure and a UTI. Okay, we could accept this. All we had to do was clear up the UTI with antibiotics, and take him in for fluid loads to flush the toxins from his kidneys. We had hope! After a few days of fluid loads, the vet took his blood again. Things still weren't improving at the rate he had hoped. We had a choice... more fluid loads or being admitted for a few days so he could get continuous IV fluids. The wife didn't want him to be away for a few days, and Thomas really did seem to be improving. He was sleeping with us again, and walking around the house. So, we went through the weekend to see how things would go. 

Poor Tom Tom started to feel bad again. He started sleeping next to his cat box,  he stopped eating and drinking, and he seemed to not be using the box as much. All of this in two days. We took him back in and the vet finally decided to test his kidneys. We've had to wait two days, but we finally know... our kitty has cancer. :( We have no good choices... we can keep him alive for a few more months with steroids, or we can wait, and watch, and keep him as comfortable as possible, until he needs to be put down. What would you do? 

I was glancing through my "recent blogs" list, and saw that one of the bloggers I follow (Inspired Mess), has been blogging what love is to different people. I haven't read these recent blogs of hers just yet, but I can tell you, at this point, what one aspect of love is for me... Love is being able to make the right choice for what/who is loved... the less selfish choice.... seems simple enough, but it really isn't at times.  

Tom Tom hiding in the sweet sixteen decorations

"Will you please stop flashing that light in my eyes?"

Tom Tom relaxing before bedtime :)


We love you Thomas!!!

A bit delayed...

A festive Dinner

 I hope everyone had a wonderful Valentine's day...  it is the day to seriously take advantage of your favorite candies (single or not).  It's funny how things change as you get older, and your life is so totally entwined with the one you love. The need to run out and buy (overpriced) flowers, stuffed toys that end up in closets, and candy that makes you fat, is no longer there. Well, lets back that train up... I NEED my Reeses peanut butter hearts,  just like I needed my Reeses bells on Christmas, and when Easter comes along, I'll need my Reeses eggs. I love the holiday Reeses because the chocolate is thinner and it's chock full of peanut butter!!!

Okay, back to the blog... sorry. What I was saying was, our expectations have changed. We had a fun dinner with friends Saturday night, a nice day Sunday hanging out and watching the sunset in the Harbor District (located in the city we will soon be living in), the wife and I bought iPhones for Valentines, and we've enjoyed our evenings playing Angry Birds (for her) and Bejeweled (for me). We're happy... woohooo! :)

What's your idea of the perfect Valentine? Regardless, I hope everyone enjoyed their day. Just remember, Valentine's Day celebrates love. Whether you're single or not, there is someone or someTHING (like my Reeses) that you love. If nothing else, you should love yourself enough to treat yourself to something, even if it's sleeping in or eating that piece of candy or cake that you're usually depriving yourself of.

Soon, we will have this view every night! 

Hanging out on a beautiful day... Gotta love Texas ! :)

You know...

NO worries... the person in this photo does have a head... I just cropped it out to protect the innocent. No, seriously, I'm not even sure she knows of my blog, but I am sure she wouldn't want her picture out here in blog land. 

You know you're getting old when:

You feel like you look better with your clothes on as compared to them being off.

In a not so distant past, I remember telling the wife that I just felt more comfortable with my clothes off. Clothes were "binding and would push things out that didn't need to be out." Now, things are being pushed out without the help of clothes. Now clothes serve as a cover-up, where as before I could use them as an enhancement of what was underneath them.

I will eventually start working out again. My plan was to join the gym in February, when things had calmed down a bit from the January resolution members. Since we're moving in a few weeks, I've decided to wait on the gym membership. We're buying an elliptical, and I have weights, a ball, and a mat. Do I need anything else? Motivation perhaps, but that, unfortunately cannot be bought.

My motivation will be... ummmm... it will be totally aesthetic. I want to be hot. There, I admitted it. If that works as motivation, then why not, right? If good health comes with it, then even better!

Setting the record straight...

Sometimes I am NOT a very nice person. I admit it... at least I'm not two-faced about it and I don't act "ugly" about things all the time. I guess at times, I have what we could call moments of weakness.

A few examples:

I am using my daughter's phone right now because mine was stolen. I am waiting for Verizon and the iPhone. I had the iPhone once before, and had to replace it a few times, but after NOT having it, I've decided what's a little inconvenience, right? Anyway, I digress... I told her to tell all of her friends that I have her phone, but apparently some haven't gotten the message and she's getting texts. Not a big deal, but I feel like my not replying back for her, will in some way will make her friends think she's blowing them off, and lets face it, she doesn't have that many. She received a text from one child today and it read as follows: "U know how i couldnt come down here tuesday? jacobs mom told me he cried cuz i couldnt come. i was like aww. :("  I don't like this particular girl. She's 4 years older than my child, not working, not going to school, and living off of the handouts of friends (and her mom's credit card) because her mom is "a bitch and expects me to clean the house all the time." So, my immediate reaction was to reply back "That's disgusting." No worries, I didn't do it, but the fact that it popped in my head was surprising to me. I really don't know why I was surprised. I mean I am the one who wants the super-power ability to blink people off the face of the earth. I don't want to HURT them... I just think some people need to go away. I know... that is NOT NICE.

This next example comes from FaceBook. Here are some of the things I really want to respond to, but don't. Beware, the language and content is BAD.

The first few FB quotes are my ex's niece. She's 19, pregnant, and a mess in general. Even my daughter says this, which means I must be right. I don't block her because she has reached out for help in the past and I figure if she resurfaces, I need to know what's going on. Plus, she stayed with us for about a month when she was little, so I still think about that poor little girl who has had a life much like my own when I was small. 

My prego hormones are going nuts I seriously just cried and threw a fit because exon diddnt have hot dogs UGH damn cravings.. :(((


What I wanted to say: Ummm, no, I think I can be safe when saying that while for most this would be pregnancy, for you, it's quite the normal reaction. 


ugh Smdh I hate messy ass ppl that dont clean up after them selves. Bitcccchh I aint yo momma. Pshhh


I had no thought as far as this one...


If I had it my way id slit ur throat with the knife you left in my back...


What I wanted to say: OMG, you're going to be a mommy soon...


Im such a dumb ass :/ ugh I really think I have anger issues >.>


What I wanted to say: "REALLY?" 


This next one is a friend's son. Her daughter is the one who sent the text to my daughter earlier today. She was such a strict mother... never let her kids watch anything on TV or listen to music that was violent, sexual, or rated higher than the stated age. They were sheltered from the bad in the world. My kids, on the other hand have never really been sheltered... I'm assuming my friend hasn't been reading her son's posts, because though my kids haven't been censored or sheltered, I would beat them if they ever, EVER posted some of the things I've read from their friends. I finally blocked this kid. I do go back to his profile every so often since my kids have him on their FB. 


Ya ill be gone for awhile.. Your not a tough badass just because im gone. Ill be back through those doors before you know it. All the little lies will catch up to you at the end.guantee you


What I wanted to say: Nothing... I was wondering if this child needed to be reported to his school for this comment since in the one before that he stated he would be doing homeschool for awhile until things calmed down at his school. Is this a threat from a mentally unstable child or a teen being a teen? 


Dear bitches, go f**k yourselves with a chainsaw


WOW... this is what made me finally block him. 


Im sorry your ugly. All i can say is.... Stay away from the mirror if you can help it...


What I wanted to say: BOY, what on earth is wrong with you, posting stuff like this 40 times a day??? (I'm not exaggerating) 


SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!


I won't say what I wanted to say on this one. It wasn't nice or adult-like. Ahem




There's more, but I'm done boring you or disgusting you (or both), with my mean ways and the stuff I read on FB. The bad thing is... I sure do love Facebook. It's one of my many brainless activities. I love reading about my friends' lives, opinions on different things, and their children. I love playing the apps. too. The wife and I are very addicted to Petville and Bejeweled. We'll sit in bed for hours each night playing Bejeweled on our iPads...  Hey, it makes us happy :) Wow... we're getting old, huh? 

Global Warming?

The idea of global warming seems to be highly misunderstood... at least by a few. 

Our portion of Texas is rarely hit by winter storms. Last year we had our first white Christmas in a LONG time. It lasted two days in all, then it snowed one more time in April. This year we have once again been "blessed" with snow... and ice... and sleet. Last Monday night, we had a thunder/lightening/sleet storm. I didn't think that was scientifically possible. We were icy for two full days, it never melted, and then we were hit again bye snow. We finally made it out of the house Friday because we had to get the cat to the vet (this is another blog). Things were closed down for an entire week because our city and surrounding cities are not prepared for this type of weather. 

Once again we are iced in... tell me, do you think this is global warming or a sign that global warming is a farce? Comments such as "Look at all this snow... global warming is a farce," or "Ha, so much for global warming," make me a little nuts. This is the dork in me. Now bear with me, because after my dorkish (a new word perhaps?) lesson on global warming, I've got some great pictures at the end of this blog. 

Global warming -" the increase in the average temperature of Earth's near-surface air and oceans since the mid-20th century and its projected continuation.Caused by increasing concentrations of greenhouse gases, which result from human activity such as the burning of fossil fuel and deforestation.^{[3]" Wikipedia} 

The earth's average temperature is rising... this does not mean snow = lack of validity as far as global warming

 "Likely effects include changes in the frequency and intensity of extreme weather events." Wikipedia

Obviously there are more effects than I have listed. Glaciers are melting, more species face extinction, etc, etc.

If you read or watch the news, you'll see stories of extreme weather all over the world. This my friends is but one sign of global warming. We can at least enjoy some of the benefits, right? See pictures below!

Our front yard

The backyard is beautiful

Love birds in the snow

So pretty and bright in the snow

The sun started to shine-backyard

You can't tell, but the water is frozen... backyard

Now the sun is really shining-backyard

Can you see the water is frozen now?-backyard

Colorful bushes in the snow-backyard

A neighbor built a snow igloo and made it a hot chocolate stand

Insomnia

Pictured above: Tallulah Jane at 12 weeks sleeping soundly with her giraffe.


If I'm not dreaming strange dreams, I'm not sleeping at all. Actually this isn't alwaysthe case... I don't sleep when the wife is out of town.

I can't really blame it all on the wife's absence though. I can remember being as young as 4, wide awake in my grandmother's living room, listening to every sound, and assigning it a source that I was comfortable with. That's exactly what I'm doing now. It's frustrating to think about it really. The fear I carry within me, that I've carried since early childhood, is hard for me to understand, and it's not something I want to pass on to my own children. I'm trying to identify the cause, so that maybe I can rid myself of it once and for all.

I've discussed how I felt while living with my grandmother. She was feeble and didn't get around well. I knew, even at four, that my grandmother and I would not be able to protect ourselves if we needed to, but why was I so worried about this at such a young age? I've even racking my brain, and I think I have it.

I bounced between a few homes in my childhood, and lived with my mother in-between. When I was around three years of age, I was staying with my mother in a garage apartment. It was a small, two story, brown, shingled all over structure, that boasted a simple layout. The garage was downstairs, the apartment above it. It had a living room, a kitchen, and a bedroom that could be closed off with French doors. I slept with my mother when she was alone and on a cot in the living room when she wasn't.

One particular night, when sleeping with her, she shook me awake crying and yelling. She called someone to get over there, and then she called the police. I had no idea what was going on, but her fear was immediately transferred to me. She told the police that a man had broken in and stood over the bed with a knife... Or she said she had a knife under the pillow. Not sure... I just remember my dad's dad coming over and nailing the windows shut that very same night. Who knows if this really happened though... My mother did drugs and was/is paranoid schizophrenic.

A second time, I remember being in the cot bed, right under a window. She woke me up telling me that the spider on the wall wasn't the devil. Now, I don't remember thinking this, but after that, the idea was in my head, along with thoughts of the devil and what that was.

I remember the fear and staring at the strange little music box above my cot. I remember crawling under the huge round coffee table, right to the middle, so that no one could find me. At my grandmothers, I remember staying awake as long as I could, or until I heard the next door neighbors come home. I remember thinking, if we need help... One of those boys ( late teens,early twenties) would be able to protect us.

Fear... I am so tired of feeling this particular emotion. I'm so tired and want so much to feel safe, but how? I am seriously considering hypnotherapy. I need to clear my mind... I need to breathe, I need to sleep, I need to trust that good is okay, and that it won't be taken from me. I know this doesn't make sense in this context, but it just came out, so I'll consider it a step in the right direction.

I really hope bad weather doesn't keep the wife away longer than planned. It's supposed to sleet and snow... The rain just started.






- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

The tent was an army green color and long like a mess hall. I describe it this way, because that's exactly what it reminded me off. There were loud noises outside and when we ran out the door, we ran right into this thing. I'm not sure why we were running out when it sounded as if that's where the danger was, but what about dreams makes sense anyway? We were taken aback as we entered the tent and had no idea why it was attached to our home. After a quick glance around, we spotted and made a quick dash for the exit, but as soon as we reached it, a looming shadow appeared. With a deep voice, it asked us where we thought we were going. Hell, we didn't know. We wanted out... we wanted to see what was going on, we wanted to be safe. The shadow told us we needed to stay exactly where we were... that a car was coming for us. As soon as the words were spoken the "car" arrived. It was long and black, with dark windows, but it wasn't a limo. We were told to get quickly get in. Our first glimpse of the outdoors was shocking to see. It was incredibly bright, lots of dust, smoke, and debris in the air. Our neighborhood was riddled with old houses that seemed to be in a shambles from lack of care. Mr. L's home had little rug rat kids running around barefoot and dressed in rags. Our own home was falling apart as if we had never done a thing to care for it. The vehicle took off, and soon we were on the main road. There were people in dark suits (men and women) running everywhere, and a few cars too, all black. The suited people were jumping into cars at the intersections. The people originally in the cars, were pushed out and left for dead on the road. Left for dead because they obviously weren't on the same side as those in the suits. Our car never stopped at the intersection, but wisely barreled through. On the drive we saw that everything seemed to be in a state of disarray. We crossed a huge bridge, and had finally made it to our destination... yet another green tent. We were left there with no explanation. When we went into the tent, we found our way to the door of the home it was attached to. We were suddenly at a party... dressed to the nines and socializing. A new dream perhaps? A friend of ours had waxed the very top of her head, and was quite proud of the new hair-do. People we knew and loved, and people we knew and disliked were all there. It was fun. The friend who had waxed her head was the talk of the party. As I'm looking around, the wife comes up to me and shows me a discolored patch of skin she has discovered... she's proud of it, but when I ask her what she did to get it, she said it just showed up. The waxed-haired friend then walked by us and as she did I woke up, and my thought as I woke was "Well, she looks the same all the way around unless she looks down at something."

No, I don't do drugs ;)

Lighting the Candles

This photo was taken by my daughter who also has aspirations of becoming a professional photographer

We've been holed up in our home for three straight days now due to extreme ice. Most people would want to escape, but I'm still happy with my lot in life at this point. The wife has been going through old pictures in between work emails and trying to decide what she will do at the end of her buy-out negotiations, when she starts her new career. Today she's leaning toward photography (she is VERY good), and has already set up another company for business consulting, and possibly, hopefully, my own business idea. I'm sure, as the days go by, and her money is secured after the buy-out, she'll settle down a bit, but her pictures today brought back memories from a very distant past.

When I was about 6 years of age, we moved to England. My mother had finally met someone who somehow didn't mind her craziness... at least not back then. My stepdad John, was from England but was working in the US as a nurse due to the low income earned by healthcare workers in his own country. After he met and married my mother, I suppose he figured moving his new family to England would be good for us. I will say that living there was the longest time spent living under the same roof as my mother since I had been born. Not a pleasant experience, but the most stable with John's family living right next door.

The last person I lived with before moving to England was my grandmother and Uncle Frank. I can hear my grandmother to this day begging my mother to leave me behind, but my mother wasn't having any of that. I was hers after all.

I can't be sure of how long we lived in England, but many things changed for me. One major change was being introduced to religion, God, and church... a Catholic church at that. The closest I had come to religion before that was when my grandmother would sing "Mercedes Benz," by Janis Joplin. "Oh lord, won't you buy me a..." Anyway, There were things one did when attending church... like getting up early and dressing your best. We walked to the church because we lived in a village... no cars were needed (I still think this is an excellent way to live!). Prayers were said, rituals were performed, then everyone went to the pub next door (There will be more on this later).

One ritual was introduced to me at a very sad time of my life. My mother had gotten a long distance call that Uncle Frank had died. Had I been older, I would have recognized that he didn't have much time left in this world. I didn't realize he was so sick. A hospital bed, oxygen, and a terrible, hacking cough, apparently didn't clue me in. When they told me he had died, Nana (my stepdad's mom) took me in her lap and said he would be going to Heaven now. Of course, with me not being involved in a church, she had to explain to me what Heaven was. At 6 I had already stopped crying, but I did cry for my Uncle Frank. I immediately went upstairs to draw pictures of him (his soul) floating to heaven. I taped to the wall beside my bed, each paper doll I drew of him (with plaid pj's and wings) in ascending order until he had reached that place (I drew clouds too... you know, to represent Heaven since it was up high in the sky.) Nana had told me about. Soon after I had gotten my drawings done, Nana bundled me up in my coat so we could walk to the church. It was already dark out and I was surprised it was still open. She told me the church doors were always open for people to go in and pray. She took me to the candles... I had seen them before, but had no idea what they were for. I was told that I would light a candle for my Uncle Frank and one for my Grandmother because of her sadness. After I lit the candles, we knelt down to say a prayer for both of them. I can't express to you the sense of empowerment those simple actions gave me. I actually felt as if I had done something wonderful for both of them.

When we got home, I sat down to write a letter to my grandmother telling her what I had just done. I didn't want her to worry. She would be alone now and I hated that for her... even then I knew how hard that would be on her.

Inclement Weather=Relaxation

Okay... I've gone through all of my favorite bloggers blogs and am now sitting here like a fool trying to remember what it was I was going to write about. :) This memory game is fun stuff! I think my brain is simply responding in a positive manner to being snowed in... it's resting. :)

Since we've put the house on the market, it seems as if we've been going non-stop. I've gotten the banister and a few doors painted, and have done quite a bit of touch-up painting. We've had repairmen out, inspections done on our new home, contract negotiations, etc, etc.

Today has been the most relaxing day in quite awhile. Thank you inclement weather, for rolling into town. Thank you for rolling in before we were able to buy boxes. If we had boxes, the wife would have us packing today. I say, we still have 27 days left... Let us take this snow day as it was meant to be, and REST!

I've been doing a bit of side writing and a lot of DVD watching. I'm watching The Honeymooners right now. I'm not sure I've mentioned before how much I love my classic TV shows. A friend of mine told me about a satellite radio station that plays all the classic radio/television shows. I listen to it often. A lot of these shows bring back memories of childhood... good ones even!

When I was little I floated between several people's homes... my mother's mother, my dad's parents, and my mother's brother and his wife's. My favorite place to be, though I never felt completely safe there, was my mother's mother.  I guess somehow I knew my grandmother was vulnerable. She seemed very old for being 60 something. Now you may be thinking "Of course she seemed old to a young kid," but I look back at pictures and see it still now. She had had a hard life. Crazy husband, 6 kids, she was a cartoonist, a part-time writer for the newspaper, and a nurse. A hard life, but a full one too I suppose!

Anyway... I have very specific memories of my time with her. I remember sitting in her tiny kitchen on a shiny vinyl cushioned, aluminum chair, watching her make home-made grits ( I was very young). LOVE grits to this day! She had a sensitive stomach and would make herself saltine crackers and milk (bleh). She said it was doctor recommended. I loved playing on her front porch under the bushes. There were a few bricks missing in the wall that made the porch, and I pretended it was a house for my rock family (I drew faces and clothes on a bunch of rocks and pretended... I now I am still a dork!). I used to run around in her huge backyard (way bigger than her house), play with her dog Blackie, and make mud pies from the dirt that lined the back neighbors fence. She had a separate garage behind her house that was full to the brim of all kinds of things that I considered treasures. I would sneak in there often. She told me the garage was where DeeDaw would hang out. DeeDaw was what the grandkids once called her husband. I never knew him.

So, I have all of these memories and more, but my favorite memory is of the hot summer days/nights. She had a tiny, two bedroom house. One bedroom was hers and the other was my uncle Frank's (not sure how we were actually related). All I remember of Uncle Frank was that he was in a stretcher in that back bedroom, always in plaid pjs, and with oxygen attached to him. Now that I think about it, I guess I could have easily been blown up with the two of them smoking. That man always had a cigarette in his hand, but I loved him. I'll blog about him next. That one will be short... but a good/sad memory.

Anyway, with both bedrooms taken, my place to sleep (chosen by me) was the big yellow easy chair that sat directly under the a/c window unit. I was still young enough to take naps, and I would curl up in that easy chair, and watch my grandmother talk on her rotary dial wall phone with the curly cord (which wasn't so curly anymore because I loved playing with it) hanging low on the ground. The hum of the a/c was loud, but I could hear her, and I could hear the TV, which always had I Love Lucy, The Honeymooners, or a similar show blaring. The sun would shine through the windows and I would watch the many particles of dust swirl in the air ( I loved slapping the cushion to watch more dust fly, gross I know, but I didn't know better). I would stare at the rainbows created by the glass doorknobs, that I was always so fond of. Soon enough, I was sleeping.

That feeling of peace, if only while I was there, is what comes back to me when I hear the radio classics or watch my TV shows. I sure do miss my grandmother.