Friday, February 18, 2011
Adventures in Sleep-land
How many of you liked Alice in Wonderland? Ah Wonderland... the place of dreams? Not good dreams though... I didn't like the animated version as a kid, and I definitely didn't like the new one with Johnny Depp. It was dark, but alas it was a dream... whew! I sure was relieved to discover that! Dreams... they seem to take every one of your worries and fears and combine them into a horrible nightmare of bizarre circumstances that you are relieved to wake from. Poor Alice was a victim of her own fears and imagination!
Well, here is MY adventure in sleep-land (last night):
The wife and I were picking the kids up from their dad's house. He wasn't home, so I wanted to go in the house, find his guns, and take them. I searched the whole home (not the home he is actually in right now). The rooms are still so vivid, but I won't bore you with the details. I head to his room and find a strange armoire, that is locked. I panic, thinking he's stock-loading guns, but when I finally get it open, I see clothing, misc. items, and two small black cases, which I took
with me. I suppose those were the guns.
Then things switched to the kids and I am telling them that they are not to tell anyone that I have his guns, which then immediately switched to me driving through a neighborhood, with my daughter on her bike behind the car. I have no idea why... Every time I would get to a road, people were blocking it, not letting me drive through... and they were angry. I finally pushed past a group people, and sped down the road to escape them. I turned another corner and saw water rushing down the street. I wondered if the people were blocking the roads due to the water, but I knew the initial reason was because they didn't want strange people in their neighborhood. So confusing, and then again it switched to me and a friend from the past. We were in a weird hotel, trying to get a cab. The cab finally showed up, but it was an odd circular thing that we would have had to curl up in so they could close it. I threw a fit, asking if there was any way we could just sit up in it... "I am way too claustrophobic for that!"
I then woke up... thank goodness.
I do harbor a fear as far as the ex and his guns. My very first blog addressed this topic, because I had only just found out about his purchase. I struggle with this fear. Is it illogical? Is it crazy? I mean, I do have a mother who is paranoid schizophrenic... do I exhibit some of that "unreasonable" fear? (skip insomnia night, the stress is really getting to me) I then try to address the logical side of my fear... he has been violent in the past. He does lean toward depression. He does have control issues. I read news stories almost every single day about people who have taken the lives of their children, their spouse, their ex... I really need these next five years to pass quickly... I really need to be convinced that my fear of him is illogical.
The neighborhood thing could apply to our new move. We're worried about the politics of the neighborhood we're moving into. It's on a marina with a yacht and tennis club. Apparently an adult Disneyland. We worry about acceptance. We worry about the party atmosphere. We worry... it's a huge move.
The wife thinks the cab portion of the dream means I want to go fetal, but that I am not there quite yet. I'll accept this. It's very hard watching your cat die... it's very hard watching your wife cry her eyes out over the worry of the new home purchase, the stress of selling her half of the company (the payout is 7 years- huge risk when you worry about the other business partner's ability to keep things running and growing), and the loss of the cat. There is really nothing I can do to make it better. I watch to make sure her MS isn't flaring... hard when she tries to hide her symptoms, but I'm good. I offer encouragement. My heart hurts for her, plain and simple.
We need to get past these next twelve days... quickly please!