Just another manic Monday...

I didn't dream about spiders last night, or snakes for that matter...

No I dreamed about floods. This really isn't that unusual for me though. I used to dream about floods and the end of the world all the time as a kid, and the dreams usually had the same setting, along with the same type of problems.

Usually I'm watching the waters rise around this huge, round building, with windowed walls all the way around it. The waves are out of control high. I've got my phone (of course as a kid, the cell phone portion of the dream was not involved... probably made the dream way less stressed too!), and I'm trying like crazy to get in touch with someone, but I can't dial the number, or the phone cuts off, or the call doesn't go through. 

Last night's dream was different though. This time it's set right here at home. The rising waters, and crazy waves are coming from the very lake we live on. This made it even more scary, because if the lake looked like this, then what must it have been like everywhere else in the world. The waves were SO high, and every time they rushed up, we stopped running around, and stared in awe and fear. I had the dogs, and I was yelling something to the kids, I think... it wasn't really clear. I tried to make a call, but ended up getting some woman on the phone I didn't know. I talked to her about something... ran upstairs, saw more waves, then tried to call out again. I got the same woman on the phone again. I started crying, begging her to please, please put me through to someone I knew. Then I asked her for my mother... just put me through to her please. Then I woke up to Cam scratching my head with his paws. Ah, my little alarm clock. 

So, being the analytical thinker I am, I mulled over this dream for a long time outside while the dogs did their thing. The mother portion, I get. I've talked to several people lately who have "reconnected" with their mother after periods of not talking, and the wife was gone yesterday helping her parents clean out their belongings so they can move here in about a month. These things make me think about my own mother, and wonder at the type of person I must be because no matter how hard I try, I cannot bring myself to even want to be around her. I don't feel angry with her (Well, sometimes I do, when her craziness spurs her to send hateful emails telling me I need to stop talking to some freakin' person she has created in her head), I just don't feel anything at all. In my head, and my heart... that's worse than anger. I'm indifferent... 

As far as the lake and the waves portion of the dream... 

Last Sunday, the wife had invited people to come over for an outing on the boat. We pushed the time back so I could go to the Home and Garden show first. The water was fairly smooth when we took the boat out. These people like to go into this cove area when we're out on the lake, so off we went, and there we sat for hours on end. Finally the wife realized I was absolutely miserable with allergies, and said we should head back. I was driving the boat. It was pretty rough sailing at this point, so I maintained a steady speed and tacked back and forth through the waves, staying as close to the shore as I could because the waves weren't as bad there. 

Everything was fine until we came around one of the bends, and were completely overtaken with waves. The wife's friend started screaming (note to people in a stressful situation... don't start screaming, and then continue to scream when someone is trying to maintain control of a moving vehicle/boat). I slowed the boat down when we were once again taken by another huge wave. I couldn't see a thing, but when my vision cleared, I saw another boat in front of us trying like crazy to get to the boat ramp. I couldn't get the boat to move forward at that slower speed because the waves were so strong, and we were quickly being pushed to the shore. I yelled at the husband of our friend to come take the wheel because I couldn't control the boat. I might have been fine had the other boat not been out of control in front of us. I then put my life jacket on... Looking around at those waves, I knew, that even as a strong swimmer, I wouldn't have been able to stay above water in that. 

OH, the wife decides to tell me later that evening... "I'm can barely swim at all..." How could you only just now be telling me this??? This is something I needed to know when we took our first cruise, and we went on the Sting Ray excursion on this little boat in the ocean!! Crazy woman. 

So yeah, I now know why good swimmers drown in this lake, and why it has now been incorporated into my "end of world" dreams. ::sigh:: I could actually handle the big round building with the windows all around, because it's been in my dreams long enough for me to know that I would for sure avoid anything resembling it in real life. I don't like my own lake being in these dreams! It's nuts! 

Okay... time for me to go. We have an appointment today with the guy we've been discussing the building purchase with. We pulled out of the purchase, but he is building a huge indoor sport facility, and the wife put the idea out there, that perhaps we could purchase a space in his building for our business. On the other side of his building, there is an indoor batting cage facility, so it would all be so perfect... if we could work it out. 

Time to roll... Have a great day everyone! 

Two Things I don't like...

Snakes and spiders...

Unfortunately my dislikes don't exactly fit in with living on a lake. I mean, we are surrounded with snakes and spiders. A friend of mine opened her front door to go outside, and discovered a huge rat snake wrapped around her door frame. Last year we discovered a baby water snake in the house. It was not a happy camper, as we worked to maneuver it outdoors, so we had to kill it. We were afraid it would get back in, and hurt the dogs. They're small dogs.

So every time I go outside, I look under chairs, up in the ceiling fans, around the doors... I will freak if I look up and see one. Especially a water moccasin.

I am constantly finding spiders in the house. Big ones... with fur. It's gross. I mean, I can't smash them. It would be like killing a small animal. I told the wife I needed Raid. She said we could call Orkin out... that's right! Getting out the big guns now!

Today, after seeing yet another spider in the house, I decided I'd better make sure it was a Wolf Spider like I thought. I mean, I haven't been killing them when I'm home alone, so they crawl to other places... and I don't know where. Bleck! I went to google images, and let me tell you... they are way too detailed. I mean pictures showing all of their eyes, and stuff. I know I'm going to have nightmares.

Then the boy and I went down to brush off the boat. We have to do this at least three times a week due to all of the spiders. I couldn't find the broom we keep on the boat for just that reason, so I ended up using the towel I brought down. Little spiders were running everywhere as I whacked down all of the webs. Seriously... I'm not sure this is something I'll ever become accustomed to.

Well, I'm not sure it was the brightest idea to write about it right before bed... here's to hoping I don't dream about these things.

Here are a couple of pictures we took last night of the kids before prom. They seemed to have had a wonderful time!

The girl and the boy

The girl and the boy being themselves. LOL

Photo bomb by the wife and boy

This was my favorite picture of them

Thank You Saturday Morning

I'll start with my second public service announcement:

*I want to thank the people who read my last post, and offered words of advice. Anita asked if I felt better after writing it, and I have to say noooooo! I know, right?!?! It's because I still edited the crap out of it. Had I not, it would have been ugly. See, I tried to lay out the facts, organize and analyze them. You know, make it productive. Had I truly vented... well, my venting isn't productive. I learned from a childhood of being surrounded by people constantly fighting, both verbally and physically, that words cannot be taken back. Especially when written. It's a good lesson, but I tend to bottle up, which makes a perhaps typical situation way larger, because it builds like a carbonated drink bottle being shaken. My goal is to analyze, and then try to discuss calmly. Unfortunately, at times, I am still not "heard," then that bottle pops open, and all kinds of stuff spews out. This is why I don't put this stuff under lock and key. First of all, this is an outlet. The people who surround me in my daily life, good friends, acquaintances... don't know I do this, and I don't feel free enough to discuss my problems with them. So if they did know about my blog, I wouldn't feel as free to write whatever I feel. Most of them I know, don't even read blogs on sites like this. Second, there are people out there who go through the same things or worse. I read it... and I am so thankful to have them, because it puts things in perspective for me. SO when I tell the wife, "This is absolutely normal behavior for these kids right now...," I have proof, and when she tells her friends about it, they tell her it's normal too. One of them even said it's better than doing these things in real time. That being said, this doesn't mean it's okay, and that we can just let it go.

Now for positive stuff!!

In my last post, I mentioned a senior prank gone bad. I have to say, that as a parent of two kids who really aren't all that social, I was excited that the girl was participating in something quite "normal." As a teen I did some pretty ridiculous stuff with my friends. I remember taking letters off of those marquee signs, changing the words around, or sneaking into cemeteries, abandoned buildings, and onto golf courses, and toilet-papering houses. Each time we did these things, we gained some great memories, and learned some lessons, that we still laugh about today.

So when the girl told us they were doing a senior prank, we were okay with it. It's something the adults expect. Apparently, the adults did not expect this. The kids attend a small, private school. Everyone is very close... it's like family. The headmaster and his wife have sleepovers/study groups in their home, have school lock-in's, discuss relationship issues, and everything else with the kids, and participated in last years senior prank.

This year was a little different. The kids did not include the headmasters wife in the planning of the prank. They did it on their own. They decided to break into the school, and remove every piece of furniture from two classrooms. They then tiled the floors of the classrooms with books, put vaseline on the doorknobs, and moved a valuable statue into another teacher's classroom. They left a message "Love your senior class of 2012." So, yes... this was a very serious prank, because it was breaking and entering. The message they left though, said to me, and some of the other parents "Hey, we're comfortable enough here to do this type of thing... it wasn't an act committed out of malice." Regardless, they got into SO much trouble!

One of their punishments was 50 hours of community service to be done for the school. This means that even though the girl doesn't have a first or last class anymore, she still needs to be there, doing odd jobs. It also meant working the school garage sale this morning. She had to be there at 5:45 am. Ugh! To me, that's punishment.

I was awake at 5 this morning listening for her, to be sure she was up. I never heard a sound, but kept telling myself I'm not going to get her up. This is a good lesson in responsibility... so I eventually fell back to sleep. I woke up at 8, and wandered around the house for a good 30 minutes before I finally decided to check the garage. I was just so sure she hadn't made it up, and tonight is prom. What if they don't let her go because she didn't show up for the sale?!?! I opened the door, peeked around the corner, and the car was gone... yay!! She did it! See, it's the little things. I don't know, maybe she will be responsible in a job. I mean, just because she doesn't do her chores around here, and just because she doesn't listen to us at all when it comes to life advice, doesn't mean she won't hit the world running. She'll have people to impress... she just doesn't feel the need to impress us. I get that... so we shall see.

Anyway... like I said, prom is tonight. This has been a nerve-wracking event to plan for. It makes me dread a future wedding, but hopefully that won't come for at least 12 years. Right?

Time for me to go... too many things to do today. I hope you all have a great Saturday! 

The Reckoning...

*This is my public service announcement for potential readers. I'm not "bleeping" out words in this particular post. It's going to be brutally honest, and frank. I need it to be, because lately, guys, I've been struggling. So, if you are easily offended by bad language, then don't read it. Oh, and it's long. It should have chapters. 


Good morning peeps! Here's to hoping it's a great one, because I really could use it. I didn't get any sleep last night, yet I still managed to have bad dreams. One in particular, was a great representation of where I am right now.

Dream: I'm standing on a bridge (not really sure how I got up there), the wife is with me, and some other people I don't know. It always amazes me how we manage to dream about people we don't know. Anyway... I recognized this bridge from when I was a kid. I can't remember how old I was. but I would walk down Las Vegas Trail (look that up, it was then, and always has been, one of the scariest neighborhoods in Fort Worth), to go to the store, or to  sit under that bridge and watch the cars go by. I would occasionally climb up the grassy hill near the highway to watch the cars there too. Only this time, the bridge is higher, and I was somehow at the top, near the highway, with no way down. I wanted off, so I ran to the opposite side, and saw no way to climb down from there. I then ran back over the highway, and looked over that side. There was a lamp post with a spiral type of grid. The wife tells me to just climb down that way, but it was SO high, and I remember trying to figure out how I would place my feet on that grid, without sliding completely off. Then suddenly... I walk to another point, and see, that all I have to do is step off... a small jump. I'm sincerely hoping this means there is an easier answer to getting off of this virtual bridge. People who know me, know my stress phrase... "I'm finding a bridge..." meaning, I'm jumping. It's all said in jest, but also my way of letting people know I've had it. Now it's, "I'm jumping in the lake." I haven't even said that lately, and I think that's the biggest overall problem. 


This has been such a long week. It's been Hell... wait, that's not right. I mean HELL. I'm tired, I'm dragging from allergies and allergy meds, I haven't exercised all week because of this, and even if I could exercise, I can't run, because going outside would be incredibly stupid in my current condition. I need my exercise. It helps with stress. I have been tempted several times these past few days to have a drink, but I'm trying so hard not to, although I've been doing a bit of stress eating. Too many things are going on at one time.

First of all, I'm struggling right now, with being a parent. I know, it's a little too late to be having second thoughts. I mean, they are teenagers. I just don't "get it," apparently. I know that today's generation is "different," but trying to instill morals, and the importance of standing firm in your beliefs, should not be so incredibly difficult.

I don't even know where to begin... I've read many a "mommy" blog, and I respect the moms out there who won't post about their children's issues, because that's their kids' story, but I'm not going down that path. I figure if mine don't want their crap out there, then they wouldn't continually do the shit they're doing. Oh and, I know the boy reads my blogs, so read up kid... maybe you'll learn to take me seriously.  Although I get the feeling, that by the time he gets around to this, he will have lost all access to the internet, including his phone.

Long story short, we are dealing with porn sites, webcams, an internet stalker (that problem has been resolved), sex, computer hacking, a senior prank gone incredibly wrong, and the fact that neither one takes me seriously when I warn them that they are going to put themselves in a very bad, very vulnerable position, and I don't like it for many reasons.

While dealing with their issues, I've been forced to deal with my own. They are putting themselves in the position to be victimized, along with the wife and I. I've been a victim... I was sexually assaulted at a young age (not something I've ever told anyone I haven't been in a relationship with), then in an abusive marriage for 11 years. I refuse to be a victim again, especially because of my kids' idiotic behavior. I get the fact that they must learn from their mistakes, but they shouldn't have to learn this type of lesson in order to just freakin' behave themselves. They think I overreact. Even with the internet stalker, I was not taken seriously. A 37 year old portraying himself to be a 15 year old? Really?!?!?! So then my son says... "Well, you have a gun." Ummm, yep, I have a gun, and I will use it if forced to, which most people just laugh off, because I'm "sweet, and funny, and how could I ever do that?" If I feel threatened, I will use it... but I would never, ever forgive his stupid actions for putting me in a position like that!!!

How do I instill in him a respect for women? How do I teach him that he will eventually begin to lose friends as they grow in different activities, while he sits and does what? How do I instill in him the desire for success, whatever that may mean for him, because if I have anything to do with it, it will not mean sitting on your ass, on a computer all day, while the world passes you by.

Then we've got the girl...
Where to begin? How can I be proud of her, yet flabbergasted at the same time? I'm proud of her photography accomplishments, but disgusted with her for not making it a priority to be in  attendance when her portfolio was voted first in state, because she wanted to see her boyfriend that weekend. This is why we aren't sending her to a university this coming year. She has so much maturing to do. I've created a new phrase around here too... "Priorities before penises" It may seem a bit much for those of you who "would never say something like this to your kids," but we're very blunt with them. Plus if you really dig deep into their things, you would be shocked at what they're saying, or what's being said to them from "friends." I'm proud of her for her dance team accomplishments, for even participating on the dance team. BUT, she's incredibly manipulative, a great liar, she thinks she knows everything, which makes it impossible to teach her anything, and she's quite homophobic, which amazes me considering I've raised her. The other day I told her the whole gay thing was totally genetic for me, which freaked her out. I know, I know, it's not nice to mess with their heads, but she was acting so high and mighty about something, that my mouth just vomited that statement right out. No worries, if she weren't almost 18, I wouldn't have done that.

Next I've got the wife. I love her, and I get that this is a LOT to handle. She wants to know why they can't just be normal... or why my genetics didn't overcome others in the formation of the childrens' personalities. She says she needs counseling to deal with the boy, I get it. We don't know what to do for him to make his transition into adulthood easier. We don't know how to mold him into a kind, and caring man (apparently)... she wants to throw their computers in the lake, along with their phones... she's like a little pitbull when it comes to this stuff. I know we need to be that way, but oh my God... I'm being bombarded, and YES, I am just sitting back, because what else can I do when everyone around me is running on freakin' high energies spurred from hormones (the teens. Hell, us too, I mean, we're both pre-menopausal), and frustrations.

So, I'm bound right now, and I'm frustrated, and I feel incredibly selfish. Our anniversary is coming up. My birthday is the day after our anniversary. I want to DO something different, special... but her sister may be coming into town for a visit. I know she misses her sister, and she can rarely visit, but that doesn't mean I don't want to absolutely scream about it. I don't though... I keep my mouth shut, and watch, and listen to ALL that is going on, and I process, and I mull it over. This is what one is supposed to do. Shut up, assess the situation, and then form a plan of action. All the while, though, I am losing it inside... it's wonderful that I can maintain an indifference in my outward appearance, right? Well, except for this morning, when the first words out of my mouth to the boy were "Next year, you'll be participating in every freakin' activity that school has, so you better get ready. You will no longer sit on the sidelines and make fun of the kids who actually "do" things... so, have a great day at school!" The next thing I did was gather phone numbers for every single parent who will be in charge of the before, after, and during prom activities. I know she'll soon be having sex, but not this weekend by God!

Then I came here... my blog, my outlet, and I let it all out. Oh, and with very little bad language too!! Thats pretty amazing since even my prayers have had a few bombs in them lately. Look, I talk like a sailor, and unfortunately I think like one as well... I won't lie. I'm just me.

Oh. and just so you guys know, I do realize I must set the example, and I have been! We've got board games... although the boy is a bad loser, we've been geocaching (OMG, if you don't know what this is, google it. It's like a scavenger/treasure hunt. You use a gps to search out the various game pieces that people participating in the game have hidden all over the place. It truly is fun for all of us!) He will start golf lessons/guitar in a few weeks, is doing tennis with me, and has lost his computer. As far as the girl, she will be getting a job upon graduation, and we will enroll her in community college. After she proves she can handle it all, we will send her off to a university. See, plans!! That's a step toward progress right?

As far as plans toward progressing with the wife and our "connecting," well... When will we have time? We don't. There's always something (kids, family visits, her parents may be moving here within the month which means NO time together after that), and when we are home, there's no connecting. There's her games (all those iApps)  and she's always sitting outside which I can't do at all right now. So I'm exercising (Or I plan on getting back to it next week with a personal trainer), or cleaning. This week I'm just trying to gather my senses, and wits about me. I might as well, just do my own thing, and throw that whole "reconnecting" idea out the window. Hell maybe that shit doesn't even exist after a certain amount of time together. I don't know. I mean, we aren't arguing or anything. We're comfortable...

Blah!!! That's how I feel, and in the back of my head, I have this constant feeling of forgetting something/or foreboding, that is making me NUTS. I need a break... from kids, from... (yes, I'm going to say it...), from my dogs. The problem is, taking a break only removes you from things that sure aren't going anywhere. ::sigh::

On another note: I've joined a band... Look!

Ha! Just kidding. My friend, the one to your far right (you know, the HOT one, as the wife calls her), is the one with the band. She does at times let people come up and sing. The woman to your far left, next to the bass player, is someone I had only met that day, and she and I hit it off. We loved going up there to sing. The woman in the bright blue, next to me ((I'm in the middle in white)) was just rude. She ripped that tambourine right out of my new friend's hand. Oh well... it was a fun day at the horse races!!

 Now for some pictures of the kids when there were babies and a couple of family pictures. Maybe if I can picture these sweet faces (all three of them ;)... ) , I can handle these phases of Hell. These pictures are in no particular order! Too tired to make it "organized."

Ah, the love, right after she had thrown a baby bottle at his head. LOL

Cowboy's Sunday

The New York closet... I mean hotel room

Threatening to jump into the Grand Canyon

La Jolla... loved it here!

La Jolla

She loved dressing him up... 

My favorite...

"Cause we gotta have faith..." Thank you George Michael

Today I'm choosing to do this post first, because it's a "positive," when I'm in the "negative." The post that follows this one will be my ode to all that has been negative these past few days, and perhaps in writing it, I will find some answers. Hmmm, we shall see!

So, here it is. I am doing the Thematic Photographic # 193 - Faith, from Carmi's blog http://writteninc.blogspot.com/2012/04/thematic-photographic-193-faith.html.

For me, these are the things that confirm there is something out there that keeps this world spinning. Unfortunately it spins out of control... but, it spins nonetheless. Get ready... there are many pictures!!

Some people find faith, confirm their faith, in church.  If any church building itself could confirm faith, it's this one. It once sat near/beneath the Twin Towers... the church is still there. 

New Orleans... in the heart of the city

The Crystal Cathedral in California is an amazing building

Can you imagine singing in the choir at the Crystal Cathedral? This choir space sits high above the congregation.

Being raised Catholic, I have been spoiled with beautiful churches. I can just imagine taking communion in this Catholic church in New York. Beautiful... you're always looking up.

I love stained glass windows... I remember it being rainy on this day, yet it still looks like the sun is shining through.

Now for my own confirmation... the places/things, that reassure me, when at times, I flounder. 

 First the sunsets... anyone who really knows me, knows how much I love them. Even though a camera can never really capture the beauty seen with the human eye, I still take pictures. I am so happy I do too... one is never like the other.

This one is from the bedroom balcony of our old home. Miss my trees!

From the back porch of our home now.

This is one of my favorites

Smooth waters on this evening

From the hilltop in our neighborhood. I needed a different view ;)

Red sun setting... during the major dust storms, this is what a Texas sunset looks like

The sun has set, but is still spreading its glow

 The world is an amazing place to be, if you just look around... you'll see. These next few pictures represent the things that, try as we might, we as humans, could never replicate. There are too many naturally occurring, perfect imperfections.

I loved being in the bedroom of our old house. It was the only upstairs room, and when you opened all of the blinds, you felt like you were in a tree house. I watched the leaves change from deep green, to bright reds, and orange, before finally turning brown and falling to the ground. Although, a few hung on all winter.

The Grand Canyon... absolutely amazing. 

Another view... There were SO many different colors... again, impossible to replicate .

A field of flowers in Big Sur

If I could build a home in Big Sur, it would be right there on the cliffs

Isn't he beautiful?

The fog rolling in... San Fran foothills

A small river in Big Sur

A lone horseman in the foothills

Our own backyard... the end of a sunset

Pismo California... trusting bird.

So detailed... our own backyard

We must have an appreciation of the little things... even the weeds.

One of our backyard friends. 

I love Pismo Beach, California... so many things to explore

The very things we treasure, we also destroy...

The oil spill in the gulf has left a lasting impression on the beaches

The course of time, lack of care, and hurricanes helped contribute to destruction 

BUT, the biggest contribution to the destruction of  all things, comes from us. We destroy the earth, and we destroy each other. Sadly this represents an act committed in faith (twisted as it often is, in order to make a religion fit our agenda), to shake the faith of others.

Sometimes the storms roll in, and we're forced to face the fact that we are indeed vulnerable to the things we love....

I felt like it could swallow us

I love the clouds, but they sure can make an ominous picture!

Ahh, just a little lightning here

More ominous clouds with the end of a sunset

Oh yes, we get to see some major lightning out here

Vulnerable... 

One of the few snow storms we've had. This was the back yard of our previous home

Through all of this... we survive, we find hope, and we continue to have faith... because if the smallest things can survive, then we can too, right?

Hope...

If she (he?) can survive the spills

If he (she?) can survive the hurricanes

If this rose can survive the tornadoes

If the berries can survive the snow

Then we have hope

We have faith

We need to have faith in order to survive (I would give anything to be here at this moment!)

Whether your faith lies here (My friend JUST posted this on FB and I had to use it... it was perfect timing!)

Or here... this is an amazing picture. The storms were rolling in pretty fast, and this boat was making it's way in. The wife was standing outside taking pictures of lightning, and decided to take a picture of this boat. Do you see the image... bigger than anyone who could have been sailing it. I do believe these people had a little faith and help!

Okay... that's it for me... it took me hours because the pictures weren't downloading right, but I needed the break from all of the stuff going on around me. I'll have to do my other post later this evening. I now have to get out there and take care of the things that have me so discombobulated... which you will of course hear (read) about in the upcoming post! Woohoo, right? Hey, you may just have some valuable advice.