Good morning peeps! Here's to hoping it's a great one, because I really could use it. I didn't get any sleep last night, yet I still managed to have bad dreams. One in particular, was a great representation of where I am right now.
Dream: I'm standing on a bridge (not really sure how I got up there), the wife is with me, and some other people I don't know. It always amazes me how we manage to dream about people we don't know. Anyway... I recognized this bridge from when I was a kid. I can't remember how old I was. but I would walk down Las Vegas Trail (look that up, it was then, and always has been, one of the scariest neighborhoods in Fort Worth), to go to the store, or to sit under that bridge and watch the cars go by. I would occasionally climb up the grassy hill near the highway to watch the cars there too. Only this time, the bridge is higher, and I was somehow at the top, near the highway, with no way down. I wanted off, so I ran to the opposite side, and saw no way to climb down from there. I then ran back over the highway, and looked over that side. There was a lamp post with a spiral type of grid. The wife tells me to just climb down that way, but it was SO high, and I remember trying to figure out how I would place my feet on that grid, without sliding completely off. Then suddenly... I walk to another point, and see, that all I have to do is step off... a small jump. I'm sincerely hoping this means there is an easier answer to getting off of this virtual bridge. People who know me, know my stress phrase... "I'm finding a bridge..." meaning, I'm jumping. It's all said in jest, but also my way of letting people know I've had it. Now it's, "I'm jumping in the lake." I haven't even said that lately, and I think that's the biggest overall problem.
This has been such a long week. It's been Hell... wait, that's not right. I mean HELL. I'm tired, I'm dragging from allergies and allergy meds, I haven't exercised all week because of this, and even if I could exercise, I can't run, because going outside would be incredibly stupid in my current condition. I need my exercise. It helps with stress. I have been tempted several times these past few days to have a drink, but I'm trying so hard not to, although I've been doing a bit of stress eating. Too many things are going on at one time.
First of all, I'm struggling right now, with being a parent. I know, it's a little too late to be having second thoughts. I mean, they are teenagers. I just don't "get it," apparently. I know that today's generation is "different," but trying to instill morals, and the importance of standing firm in your beliefs, should not be so incredibly difficult.
I don't even know where to begin... I've read many a "mommy" blog, and I respect the moms out there who won't post about their children's issues, because that's their kids' story, but I'm not going down that path. I figure if mine don't want their crap out there, then they wouldn't continually do the shit they're doing. Oh and, I know the boy reads my blogs, so read up kid... maybe you'll learn to take me seriously. Although I get the feeling, that by the time he gets around to this, he will have lost all access to the internet, including his phone.
Long story short, we are dealing with porn sites, webcams, an internet stalker (that problem has been resolved), sex, computer hacking, a senior prank gone incredibly wrong, and the fact that neither one takes me seriously when I warn them that they are going to put themselves in a very bad, very vulnerable position, and I don't like it for many reasons.
While dealing with their issues, I've been forced to deal with my own. They are putting themselves in the position to be victimized, along with the wife and I. I've been a victim... I was sexually assaulted at a young age (not something I've ever told anyone I haven't been in a relationship with), then in an abusive marriage for 11 years. I refuse to be a victim again, especially because of my kids' idiotic behavior. I get the fact that they must learn from their mistakes, but they shouldn't have to learn this type of lesson in order to just freakin' behave themselves. They think I overreact. Even with the internet stalker, I was not taken seriously. A 37 year old portraying himself to be a 15 year old? Really?!?!?! So then my son says... "Well, you have a gun." Ummm, yep, I have a gun, and I will use it if forced to, which most people just laugh off, because I'm "sweet, and funny, and how could I ever do that?" If I feel threatened, I will use it... but I would never, ever forgive his stupid actions for putting me in a position like that!!!
How do I instill in him a respect for women? How do I teach him that he will eventually begin to lose friends as they grow in different activities, while he sits and does what? How do I instill in him the desire for success, whatever that may mean for him, because if I have anything to do with it, it will not mean sitting on your ass, on a computer all day, while the world passes you by.
Then we've got the girl...
Where to begin? How can I be proud of her, yet flabbergasted at the same time? I'm proud of her photography accomplishments, but disgusted with her for not making it a priority to be in attendance when her portfolio was voted first in state, because she wanted to see her boyfriend that weekend. This is why we aren't sending her to a university this coming year. She has so much maturing to do. I've created a new phrase around here too... "Priorities before penises" It may seem a bit much for those of you who "would never say something like this to your kids," but we're very blunt with them. Plus if you really dig deep into their things, you would be shocked at what they're saying, or what's being said to them from "friends." I'm proud of her for her dance team accomplishments, for even participating on the dance team. BUT, she's incredibly manipulative, a great liar, she thinks she knows everything, which makes it impossible to teach her anything, and she's quite homophobic, which amazes me considering I've raised her. The other day I told her the whole gay thing was totally genetic for me, which freaked her out. I know, I know, it's not nice to mess with their heads, but she was acting so high and mighty about something, that my mouth just vomited that statement right out. No worries, if she weren't almost 18, I wouldn't have done that.
Next I've got the wife. I love her, and I get that this is a LOT to handle. She wants to know why they can't just be normal... or why my genetics didn't overcome others in the formation of the childrens' personalities. She says she needs counseling to deal with the boy, I get it. We don't know what to do for him to make his transition into adulthood easier. We don't know how to mold him into a kind, and caring man (apparently)... she wants to throw their computers in the lake, along with their phones... she's like a little pitbull when it comes to this stuff. I know we need to be that way, but oh my God... I'm being bombarded, and YES, I am just sitting back, because what else can I do when everyone around me is running on freakin' high energies spurred from hormones (the teens. Hell, us too, I mean, we're both pre-menopausal), and frustrations.
So, I'm bound right now, and I'm frustrated, and I feel incredibly selfish. Our anniversary is coming up. My birthday is the day after our anniversary. I want to DO something different, special... but her sister may be coming into town for a visit. I know she misses her sister, and she can rarely visit, but that doesn't mean I don't want to absolutely scream about it. I don't though... I keep my mouth shut, and watch, and listen to ALL that is going on, and I process, and I mull it over. This is what one is supposed to do. Shut up, assess the situation, and then form a plan of action. All the while, though, I am losing it inside... it's wonderful that I can maintain an indifference in my outward appearance, right? Well, except for this morning, when the first words out of my mouth to the boy were "Next year, you'll be participating in every freakin' activity that school has, so you better get ready. You will no longer sit on the sidelines and make fun of the kids who actually "do" things... so, have a great day at school!" The next thing I did was gather phone numbers for every single parent who will be in charge of the before, after, and during prom activities. I know she'll soon be having sex, but not this weekend by God!
Then I came here... my blog, my outlet, and I let it all out. Oh, and with very little bad language too!! Thats pretty amazing since even my prayers have had a few bombs in them lately. Look, I talk like a sailor, and unfortunately I think like one as well... I won't lie. I'm just me.
Oh. and just so you guys know, I do realize I must set the example, and I have been! We've got board games... although the boy is a bad loser, we've been geocaching (OMG, if you don't know what this is, google it. It's like a scavenger/treasure hunt. You use a gps to search out the various game pieces that people participating in the game have hidden all over the place. It truly is fun for all of us!) He will start golf lessons/guitar in a few weeks, is doing tennis with me, and has lost his computer. As far as the girl, she will be getting a job upon graduation, and we will enroll her in community college. After she proves she can handle it all, we will send her off to a university. See, plans!! That's a step toward progress right?
As far as plans toward progressing with the wife and our "connecting," well... When will we have time? We don't. There's always something (kids, family visits, her parents may be moving here within the month which means NO time together after that), and when we are home, there's no connecting. There's her games (all those iApps) and she's always sitting outside which I can't do at all right now. So I'm exercising (Or I plan on getting back to it next week with a personal trainer), or cleaning. This week I'm just trying to gather my senses, and wits about me. I might as well, just do my own thing, and throw that whole "reconnecting" idea out the window. Hell maybe that shit doesn't even exist after a certain amount of time together. I don't know. I mean, we aren't arguing or anything. We're comfortable...
Blah!!! That's how I feel, and in the back of my head, I have this constant feeling of forgetting something/or foreboding, that is making me NUTS. I need a break... from kids, from... (yes, I'm going to say it...), from my dogs. The problem is, taking a break only removes you from things that sure aren't going anywhere. ::sigh::
On another note: I've joined a band... Look!
|Ah, the love, right after she had thrown a baby bottle at his head. LOL|
|The New York closet... I mean hotel room|
|Threatening to jump into the Grand Canyon|
|La Jolla... loved it here!|
|She loved dressing him up...|