Importance

On importance:
I’ve woken up in quite the mood today, but I can’t say it’s producing an array of different thoughts. Thoughts that will get me motivated, I mean. I have to say one thing… I’m not so sure it’s good for me to read people’s blogs who think the way I do, because it does at times validate my feelings, which leaves me with no motivation to change them! I’m talking about the fear of failure which creates lack of trying. I know I’m holding myself back from a LOT of things! Not just writing… but other things as well. I have so many ideas… so many “needs.” Yet I do nothing but procrastinate. I see the wife going to conferences, wheeling and dealing, answering emails all hours of the day… important stuff. I NEED something like that, but what and how? I enjoy being home and taking care of my family. My part-time teaching job will allow me the ability to be home most of the time. I honestly don’t want to be away from home. Am I becoming a recluse? I’m a seriously social person, but lately… it’s quite the emotional upheaval when I leave the house to go visiting others or to go to work. Make note, no one really knows of this upheaval but me. I’m very good at hiding things that go on within. Well, facial expressions will get me at times, but that has nothing to do with my own upheavals!
I think if I really get down to the bottom of things, I can say I operate out of fear. I love being home, the wife loves me being home, but for how long? How long before she gets bored with me basically doing nothing important? I mean, I take care of her… but she can easily do this stuff herself, or she can hire someone. She could travel more without me (or without feeling guilty for leaving me here taking care of animals who are NOT fun to take care of), she could meet someone who is just as focused and successful in business as she is therefore adding to the money, the travel, the nice things that she loves. ::sigh:: Take this morning for instance… she asked me what I had to do today… “Umm, laundry (thinking really hard) and small grocery shopping, taking the boy to tennis tonight, going to a friend’s house?” Nothing important… no big deals, hob knobbing, no dealing with someone on a daily basis that drives the wife’s jealousy levels to great proportions. ::ahem:: No money making, just money spending on things she won’t even eat because this week will have her out eating every night for business. I guess I could write tonight… I actually have something I’ve been working on. Who knowwwwws!
SO…I go back and forth on what I think want to do, what I think I need to do, and what I’m doing. There are times I want to go out and get a job that will have me working as much as she does, traveling, night time dinner meetings, emails back and forth before I go to bed… not because I want to do it, but because she does it and maybe that’s what I need to do or maybe that’s what she needs me to do, or maybe she just needs to know what it’s like on this side of things. What I want to do is what I’m doing… take care of my family, take care of my wife. Plan things, keep things organized, keep the peace, and try to at least keep her personal life as stress free as possible. I’ll tell you what’s freaking me out about this and I know it’s nuts, but it’s honest. Melissa Etheridge… very successful, amazing talent, LOVES what she does. Wife, gives up everything, takes care of Melissa, travels with her, they have kids, they break up. Wife (according to her blogs… Hollywood Farm Girl) is hurting... taking care of the kids, and dealing with a life that has been turned upside down. Melissa is traveling, singing, doing what she’s always done. Her life really hasn’t changed with our without her family. Scary stuff… how my life would change and how would I pull myself out of it? I wouldn’t be doing the same thing I’ve always done, because I’ve been taking care of her, loving her.
That’s the problem with same sex couples. There are very few life-long couples. They seem to move on when things get difficult, when restlessness sets in, when it suits them. I hate that and try not to spend too much time looking at statistics. I often wonder if it would be different if it weren’t considered taboo… If we were taken seriously would we look at our relationships seriously? More so than we do?
So anyway, I get this job offer and think, woohoo! I’ll have something that maybe I can discuss with the wife. That gets me out doing something respectful. I was excited about this teaching job. I was excited until yesterday… I have 1 student. 1!!!! What on earth am I going to do with one little girl for 2 ½ hours every day. That’s not kindergarten, it’s private tutoring. I can do that at home and for way less money than what this parent is going to be paying the school. I don’t know, maybe I’ll get more kids as time goes by. I hope… but I’ve committed to them, so I’m in it for better or worse. I’m also going to sign up for golf lessons, (keep practicing tennis), volunteer at a kids shelter, and talk to a friend about a business plan. I swear to myself I will do these things. I swear on my Tallulah ;-)!! Thanks for reading my pitiful blog/venting. I’m really very “talkative” during pms!!!