I don't know how to...

First off, let me start by saying Wicked was a great musical. Not as good as the Lion King, but I loved it just the same.

It's a little bit of a late nighter for me right now. Try as I might, I cannot sleep. The frustrating thing is that I'm totally exhausted. I thought maybe coming out here on the balcony and blogging my heart out would help, because it's beating so hard that it's keeping me awake. Being on the balcony is actually a step forward for me. In the past you would have found me sitting on the floor of my closet with laptop in lap, writing away. I've written some of my best stuff like that, but the closet really wasn't a healthy place for me. As a kid, I would hide in the closet at night and often ended up sleeping in it under a pile of clothes. I felt safe that way. As an adult, being in the closet was pretty much the same thing... I went in there if I felt scared.

So, here I sit... on the balcony, looking out into the dark night. I can't even see the sky right now. What makes it so weird out here is that the neighbors next door are going through a remodel, and I think some of the guys are still in the house working. If they aren't, then someone is in the house. I suppose I should feel scared, but I really don't right now. I just find it odd that the contractors would be working at 2 am. I guess they're a little worried about getting things done before the neighbors come back.

The wife is sleeping soundly inside. This is another frustrating thing for me. Lately it seems as if it's not one thing it's another, and I'm tired of feeling lonely when I go to sleep. I know the pounding heart beat is more than likely the need to cry, but I don't know how to do that. I lost that ability between childhood and my horrible marriage. I have gotten better at it... Why would anyone want to get better at crying? Because crying is cleansing. It's good for you... unless you do too much of it. Then it's annoying. Anyway... I did shed a few tears at the Karate Kid movie... when he was yelling at his mom that he just wanted to go home... I cried. I could totally relate to his heartbreaking pleas.

Anyway... back to the crying. I guess the last time I cried was when the wife told me she would take me to Cali with her on a trip. This was at dinner. I told her "You told me you wouldn't be able to take me on this trip with you." She said " I can change my mind..." or something like that. The she said I may have to do some begging (jokingly). I was totally excited. I had just been talking about Cali earlier and San Fran is one of my favorite places. Later on, after we were in bed, I said something about Cali again. I was gearing up for the big beg session. Haha right... then she says "Honey, you know money is tight and I won't even be around." Okay... no reason to cry right? Well, let me tell you that nothing is worse than not expecting to go, then getting your hopes raised, and then basically being told "Just kidding..." maybe not in those words, but still. I was so upset and I did cry... she didn't see though. Bleh... I need to just get it done with... ughhh! Trust me, if you can cry, be thankful!

It's so late and I know this is going to be a very rough start to a long week. I've got to get some sleep... I really hope sitting out here has helped. I also hope the dogs don't go crazy when I go back in. No need to wake the wife.