It's a thought process

I love sitting in our backyard, listening to the insects chirp and buzz. I love looking up at the sky through the arch of hundreds of tree limbs. I love sitting down by the water and watching my family feed the fish. Tonight, I was doing just that! As I sat there, I closed my eyes and imagined what it would be like if everyone lined their stone pathways with white rope lights… if everyone had a paddle boat, also with white lights surrounding the edges of each one… if everyone had jazz flowing from their lit up back porches, and the smell of different foods was wafting through the air. I could almost see it… I could almost feel it. How amazing would that be? Now, don’t get me wrong… it’s already quite amazing back there to me. It’s been a great source of peace. I just have all of these things bursting within me right now and am trying to let things slowly work their way to the surface.

I miss my creativity… I miss my passionate, do-gooder side. I miss that part of me who gets “riled up” (Is this a Texas term?) over an injustice done to someone else. I don’t know… I sometimes am of the mindset that has me truly believing I am not quite capable of doing something to make a difference, and that’s sad, because throughout my whole life, that’s really all I’ve wanted to do… make a difference. So, I get the way I am now, at this particular moment, and I shut down. I’m trying to figure something out in my head and sometimes I just need to think really hard. This makes any small distraction frustrating. The thing is, isn’t this shutting down thing kind of the opposite of my do-gooder, want to make a difference kind of person I want to be? Ahhhh, things are so confusing at times!