In The News...

DO we really want to know what's in the news anymore? I mean, we can't do anything about it, right? Kids are being hurt, and even killed by those who are supposed to love and cherish them, hate crimes in the name of race, sexuality, and everything else, is prominent lately, the politicians running for office focus on everything but the main problems, and well, then you have the things that are going on in other countries.

SO lets try this...

In today's news the sun is shining, the breeze is cool and mild, and the birds are chirping. The dogs aren't barking, the store accepted my debit card (I remember the days of having to take my calculator in so I could add my purchase up before I hit the register), and the cars are both full of gas, which is an expensive commodity these days. The house is standing, the lake is smooth, and we're still here.

As you can probably tell, I'm in quite the mood today. Irritable, tired, stressed beyond words over this whole gym thing. I need help with some things, but don't know who to ask. I need a pricing structure that will be reasonable for the parents, while allowing us a way to at least make payments. I need to know how to expand my parameters, while keeping true to the original purpose. I need to know that the people I've made contact with thus far were honest with their intentions, and not just checking out our business plan. ::sigh::

The wife's mom is coming into town again, and once again we will head to the casino. Wish me luck... a cool 250,000 will waylay some of this stress. I would pour it into the gym, and not feel so pressured.

Okay... time for me to get the laundry whipped out, the dishes washed, and then hop in the shower. I don't why I do that before we go to the smokey casino, but I like being clean. :) 

Out of my element?

Meaning I'm out in the real world today. The wife and I had to head out early in order to beat traffic. Her tennis match is now in progress, and they seem to be losing. This could very well mean a bad mood later in the day.(I was looking at it wrong... they won!!) 

The good news is that I didn't need to take a Xanax today! I suppose we left soon enough that my levels of stress hadn't yet peaked, and as long as I'm free to roam a bit, I can work my way through anything after I've hit land. 

So, here I sit. I know I could never play anything competitive at this point in my life, due to my panicky issues, which is a little frustrating. I do love hitting the ball with the machine at home though. I also love going to the batting cages, and let's not forget running. Notice none of these things require other people. 

The wife says this is because I don't really like people, and for the most part she's right (but would still love people to do these things with). I start off liking people, but most of them pretty much ruin that first impression as soon as they open their mouths. People just aren't nice... 

I'm seeing this today as I watch the country club women roam through the courts. The way they interact with each other is so fake. Right now, it seems to be getting ugly on the court to my left. I guess the fake positivity fades the more tired they get. I think the wife's team members will deserve drinks after this. Wow...

Updates:

The offer we made on the building was accepted. Now we have to get through the inspection, and the wife's stress over all of it. If she decides to back out, I'll totally support her decision, because in all honesty, this is a huge undertaking, and I'm scared of failure for many reasons.

As far as adoption, we're having second thoughts. We have 4 more years of private school for one child, then college. He'll need a car, the girl needs a car now, and she will be going to college this Fall. The wife is meeting with a financial advisor, as it has been determined, that after taxes,the full amount of her retirement will equal a tiny bit over half of what she sold her company for. We broke that down to a per year basis, and if we die in our 60's we should be great. So, this being said... We like our freedom, we like our current financial comfort, and we need to do something that will keep us from dipping into any more of this money. Unfortunately adopting isn't it. 

As far as that left tennis court... One of the women they're playing is yet another reason why I couldn't play. I'd so be all over that "higher than thou" attitude. Yep... People need to learn to play nice!! 

My last update: I'm only just posting this because I apparently had some updating to do from my iPad. SO... After tennis, we went out for food and margaritas. Ugh... 2 margaritas later, and I was three sheets to the wind. I'm working on my recovery right now. I guess the wife and I reason this daytime drinking out, by reminding ourselves that this freedom will soon end. Well, for me anyway. She'll still be playing tennis... Hmmm. Not sure how I'll handle having her out drinking while I'm working. Oh well, one thing at a time!! 

LAST for sure ;) SO I tried posting this again last night after my updates, and nothing worked. I may have to reload my blogpress app. I finally emailed it to myself so I can post it from my computer. 

Today, I did a great thing. Care to guess? You really don't, because I'm being sarcastic. The "great thing" is that I made myself get up early, even though I didn't have to. It's my way of compensating for yesterday's irresponsible behavior of daytime drinking. I'm not sure I could ever adjust to that type of life style, even though, it's the norm around here. 

So, now I'm off to get my household chores done, and then I get to have my hair done. My hair dresser had some free time today, so she want's to put the extension clips in again, and play with it a bit more. I'm fine with that. I like girly hair and nails days. Well, except pedicures. I don't like that. I really don't like feet at all. 

The wife doesn't understand why I'm wasting my time having this done today... this is where she needs to step up and think about maybe us having a date after we drop the kids in Fort Worth. Seriously... wish me luck in that arena. I think she may consider the things we've been doing with our friends "dates." I guess I'm becoming a high maintenance girl, expecting a little more now and then. 

Most of you might be thinking I should be the one to take her on the date. Yeah, that doesn't work. I love to do all kinds of things. The wife is very particular. She doesn't like to do half of the things I find enjoyable, so I figure since I'm a bit easier going, she needs to be the one to take us somewhere. That's fair, because hopefully her choice would be something she would like doing! 

Have a great Friday everyone, and if you have access, you really need to play that huge lottery!! If you do, and you win, please remember your old blogging friend here on Alcatraz. ALL I want is enough money to get our business totally set up the way I've always pictured it!! 

I Just Didn't Care

Wow, things have been busy around here. The beautiful weather has coaxed me outdoors, along with the need to be active. We've also firmly established a social circle, and actually have things to do now.

For awhile there, I think you guys will remember my constant blogging about my panic attacks. I'm not sure that I told you about one of my friends finally taking pity on me, and providing me with 3 Xanax. I was SO excited! I've been halving them as needed, so as to make them last. So far I've taken 1 pill, but most of the time, I've only taken them before bed.

This past Tuesday, I took one as we headed out that morning. The wife had to be at a tennis match at 9 am, and I knew we were facing the strong possibility of getting stuck in traffic. The drive was great, and I was great. I started to feel a little groggy by the time we reached the courts, so I grabbed a quick breakfast sandwich. I realized something as her match finished, and we headed out for celebratory drinks. I realized I didn't care about anything... I'm not saying this in a negative way. I mean, I just didn't care about anything. I wasn't thinking about anything, worrying over something, or stressing out over things I cannot possibly change, or fix, or make happen... it was amazing. I can't remember a day in which I've felt SO wonderfully calm, and carefree.

I am for sure going to the doctor for Xanax!

Okay, this is going to be it for tonight's post. I still have some things to do around here. My motivation to get things done today, didn't quite hit, and I won't be around tomorrow.

I hope you've all been wonderful, and I promise to set some time aside to catch up with everyone in the next week!! 

So much, so scattered

It amazes me that when I have nothing to say, I manage to blog every single day, yet when I have tons to say, I can't even get it written. I literally sit here and stare at the screen. You guys hear (read) me say, "It's my ADD," and I'm serious. It is! When my head is this busy with things, I can't get it organized enough to write it.

This has been a scary thing for me these past few days... my ADD I mean. I've been thinking about the impact it will have on my productivity if, and when, we get this gym up and running. I haven't really talked a lot about my business idea, my passion, here in this blog, but I've discussed it with quite a few of you in emails, and as you all know, this isn't something I can make successful with a scattered mind. 

My biggest weakness when teaching was paperwork. I hated it. I was a super-duper, excellent teacher, but when it came time for report cards, I was a mess, trying to gather all of their papers, and grades, and ... ::sigh:: I still have bad dreams about it. It's strange, because when I ran the loan department in our small bank, I was Wonder Woman! In the Special ed classroom, it was easy to do, because they each had their own plans, which we kept track of on a daily basis, not to mention the fact that there were up to six kids with two teachers. 

Anyway... the reason I've been thinking about all of this is because the wife made an offer on a building for the gym. Granted we haven't gotten an answer yet, and Mr. Big small-town guy might not accept it. This building, in it's current condition isn't worth more than her offer, especially when the difference in money will come when we begin fixing it. The land may be worth something, but I know the vacant lot next door, has been for sale for years. Who knows. If he doesn't accept it, it wasn't meant to be. I'm handling this in a fairly relaxed manner, mainly because we may still have the option of working with the kids' school. They haven't really made an effort to move ahead with things, so we aren't sure. The wife figures, if they wanted a gym, they would get her the plans so we could get bids. 

Now for something I haven't talked about at all:

The other day I was reading a blog I follow through my gym blog. There was a link on the side I was absolutely curious about, so I clicked it (I never do that). The link took me to an international adoption site for children with Downs Syndrome. The wife and I can't adopt internationally, because they wont do same sex adoptions (which is really sad because the older children are sitting in institutions), so I went to a national link. We have discussed this in the past, but have never gone quite to far as to actually contact someone. So, we may look into this further. Right now, we're considering our age, our freedom (which we have way too much of and don't do a thing with it), and the care a child with Downs would need as an adult after we have passed away. In other words, there's a lot to consider, but this is something we would both love to do. 

I better get going... I'm working hard to stick with my exercise routine! Then I'll soak up some sun before we head to a friend's 50th party. 

Today...

Today was a good day...

* I planned for the storm that is hitting us as we speak. So far so good! Just a ton of wind and lightning. It's when the wind stops that you take cover.

*I spent yesterday planning our meals... low fat, low calorie, chock full of protein, and other nutrients... non-processed foods. WHOLE... the best. This made today's slow cooked pork loin delicious and easy!

*I took all of my vitamins!

*I exercised!

* I got all of my laundry done!

*I scheduled a meeting with a music therapist for my business that I want so badly!

*I made some yummy no-cook, healthy snacks for us to enjoy the rest of the week!

*I discovered that though I don't like coconut, I LOVE it when it's toasted all brown and crunchy!!!

*I discovered I love the smell of coconut when it's toasting in the oven.

*I'm now enjoying my wine, Hershey kisses, and some old sitcoms... Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Van Dyke (which my daughter thought sounded like a porn show... ah the innocence of way back when!), and The Bob Newhart Show!!

I just need to keep this good streak up!!

The Future is Now...

Everyone here knows how "addicted" I am to Facebook. Meaning I am always connected, either by laptop, iPad, or phone. It keeps me "close" to people I truly care about, and has played a huge role in the formation of new friendships with people from afar... like you guys!

What amazes me about Facebook, is that for me, especially lately, it has given new meaning to the phrase "What a small world!" I am amazed at the connections between friends (I'm not talking about the ones here in town, though that was pretty amazing too!). I come from a very different world, as compared to what I'm living in today, yet my friends are connected all across the board through one person or another. 5 degrees of separation indeed.

Through Facebook, I've been keeping up with old friends from high school. That was really the whole reason I signed up to begin with. We were all on classmates.com, but since we had to pay for that, a majority of us switched after our last reunion. I'm intrigued with the turns most of our lives have taken. We've been through divorce, suffered loss, illness, had kids, remained childless, come out of the closet. Some of us are lonely, some of us aren't, some of us are struggling with depression, anxiety, body image issues (Hell, I seem to have ALL of these!!), but one friend in particular, saddens me.

When we were in high school, she seemed to have it all. Sisters (I really wanted a sister or brother), she was a cheerleader, very cute, smart, happy... she had a bright future ahead of her. Something went wrong along the way though. I know from our last reunion, that she had gotten into drugs, because she was hyped up like nothing I've seen before, with a man old enough to be her father, although very handsome and successful looking. From that night, to where we are now, something went incredibly wrong. She had a kid, lost the kid to whoever the dad was, lives in a warehouse in Dallas, which she also uses to have parties that she charges people to get into, she's been in car accidents, has lost limbs due to them... I don't get it. It's sad, and I hate this for her. I hate what drugs do to people. She should have that wonderful life that she was destined for.

Then I have another friend, who I had no idea suffered the same childhood as I did. It's amazing to me, the things we hide as teens because we're embarrassed, and don't quite understand that others could very well be suffering through the same things. We aren't close friends now though... her childhood turned her into a religious freak, and mine turned me into a umm... well, just a freak!!

Anyway... these are my self-reflections for the day. I really need to get to making my grocery list, as I should have done all of that yesterday. I fell hard again, and all that ever goes through my head when I get like that is a little sing-song "All of these days, are just like the other..." I'm not really sure why the wife and I have a hard time coming up with things to do together, just us, but lately that's the case. It's not that we don't enjoy being with each other... both of us are just in a horrible rut (separate from our relationship), that kind of stagnates us.

So while I'm feeling half way decent, I'm going to get this done and work like Hell to stay up. I mean, c'mon, people used to call me Mary Poppins. I know, she was way too chipper, but to go from that to where I am now, is a little disturbing. I'm just saying!!

Now go take your spoonful of sugar!!

Because THIS...

Equals THIS!!!

Images are from Google images, and were not created, or taken by me or anyone I know... 

If You're Irish and You Know it....

Have a drink...

Those of you who know my name must know I have an Irish side... it comes from my dad though, and since I never really knew my dad, I'm quite removed from any Irish roots I may possess. My mother's roots are American Indian in origin, and I can honestly say I'm more in touch with those roots, because the wife and I spend quite a bit of time in Choctaw... the casino that is. I do so love Choctaw. I wonder if I can talk the wife into going tonight. ::sigh:: Probably not... with it being St. Paddy's Day, they will more than likely be packed. Plus I'm pretty sure my lungs have the appearance of a full-time smoker due to the second hand smoke I inhale in that place. I still love it. Especially when...

I win!! This was a 5.00 slot that I had 2 credits in... OH yeah! 

Now granted, this was almost as soon we got there, so the wife and gambled it away. It was fun though.

Not being in touch with my Irish roots makes me a little less inclined to drink the day away, and I have to say, being raised in the Catholic Church, in England for a number of years, I really don't need a special day to drink. Life in England...West Derby Village... revolved around that church, and the pub that was attached to it. That's just what they did... it wasn't/isn't alcoholism there, it's a way of life.

I remember walking from our home to the church... my school was on the back of the church, then there was a rec hall that separated the pub from the school and church. I wonder if it's still a quaint village. It looks like there are more cars now. This picture is from Google Images. 

We lived in one of these, right around the corner from the village square.. This picture is also from Google Images.

Anyway... enough visiting my past for one day, and enough discussion about drinking. The fact of the matter is, drinking yourself into oblivion is fine once in a while, but liquor dehydrates, thereby causing your skin to wrinkle... it ages you. So don't indulge too much, or you'll look old. It also slows your metabolism... and kills your liver. SO you'll be old, fat, and in the hospital. Not a good way to spend your days. That's all I'm saying. Now have fun drinking!

Anyway... here are some pictures of things that have made me happy this week!!

My Talulah ready for her walk in her doggie pack. Love this baby so much!!

Talulah and Cam have a bad habit of taking showers with me. We have a big walk in shower, and they... walk in. 

My Crazy Cam after his excursion into the depths of the shower. :)

Last night we were invited to go to a Country Western bar/restaurant. I've never been to one before, and I grew up in the heart of it... Cowtown, otherwise known as Fort Worth. Just to let you know, we aren't like they portray us on television. We don't all walk around in our boots, bling, and with big hair. We don't all own a horse... Hell, I'm very allergic to horses. We don't all have that southern twang, although I've really developed one this past year... my English roots are withering!!!

Anyway... I didn't have what I felt was the appropriate gear for a night out in a western bar...

These are my shoe-boots that I love to wear. They're cute and comfy... a plus. AND black goes with all.

So a friend of mine took me to a western store and helped me pick stuff out!

My new boots! Pretty, brown, and go with anything... next I'll get black! The jeans... I just needed bigger than what I had  :( But it's okay... because I know I'd look skeletal/boobless if I tried to fit into the ones I've been hoarding like a fool.

My 5's... ::sigh:: I think it's time to let them go. I actually discovered a third pair when I went to put these back. 

Okay... the next picture, I don't like how I look in it. I am so NOT photogenic. That picture of me to the upper right of your screen, is how I look all the time, and I'm happy with that. It was also a total fluke that it turned out acceptable to me, because I was just playing with my webcam. So, I cling to that picture...LOL  

The one coming up is of me on the bull. I wanted to ride that damn thing, but I watched others ride it, and knew it wouldn't be good for my lower back. The guy offered me a senior citizen bull ride, but I respectfully declined out of embarrassment. My friend's son shoved me over the top of that thing, and gave me his hat... love that boy! 

Giddy up! Or is that what they say on horses?

Last but not least... I just took this picture. The wife was holding Callie May, but just know I love that baby too. She's just not always with me like these two!! 

Cam and Talulah waiting patiently while I blog!!

Okay... time for me to go menu plan. Details to follow... 

I hope everyone has a very safe and happy day today!!

Freaky Friday Feelings

When I was a school teacher every day had a special name. I taught kindergarteners for goodness sake, every day was a special treat, and we treated it just so.

Magnificent Monday-they learned a big word, and even used it for other things!
Terrific Tuesday, Wonderful Wednesday-all positives, because when you're a little kid, life is like that. At least it should be.
Thinking Thursday-they learned what it was to really think. We even made thinking caps. AND... drum roll please...
Fantastic, Fabulous Friday- I know... not Freaky Friday, as in my blog title, or the movie, but I'm not teaching anymore, so freaky it is.

I've stayed true to myself these past few days, and I'll admit it's been a struggle. It feels ridiculous to me, that it's a struggle to do the things I need to do, but yesterday, I had a helper. If I weren't honest, I'd say I was left with the task of entertaining the housekeepers 8 year old, but that's not the case. He truly entertained me. He talks ALL the time... non-stop, about everything. So he and I had some long discussions about dogs, video games, and school. He went with me on my walk, and this time I took all three dogs, with Talulah in a doggie pack. We walked to the boat docks, I showed him our boat, and we looked at all of the beautiful sail boats. Have I mentioned how much I love the sound of sailboats in the wind? Then we walked to the small beach, and decided it needed some cleaning up. There were a TON of tennis balls on it, I guess from people taking their dogs down there and throwing the balls in the water for their dogs to fetch.

Later yesterday, we met friends at our neighborhood restaurant, for karaoke night. This time we sang "I Will Survive." Much better than Love Shack, and so fitting (in the survival sense, not the cheating love sense). I love the girls we met, and tonight, we're all meeting again to go to a Country Western place. DO I even capitalize that? I don't know. I was once a Fort Worth girl, and I can honestly say, I've never set foot in a western bar. This will be a little different, because some are taking their teens (our teens are with their dad), but I'm a little nervous anyway. So nervous, I'm going to buy some boots. I know... any reason to shop. I am getting better... shopping was once therapy for me. I'd feel down, I'd go shopping. If that were the case right now, my closet would be bursting with clothes and shoes. Let's just consider that progress!!!

I hope you all enjoy your Friday!! 

Yesterday's Post...

No... I didn't post anything yesterday, because all it would have been is this...

"No, no, no, no, no! " Oh and this... ###### <----- that's me stomping.

It also would have been "Whhhhy????" Stated emphatically.

I was frustrated, irritated, and, let's face it... depressed. I hate the word, but it's true, and I'm going to have to do something about it.

Of course all of this was within my own little head... nothing surface. I didn't want to stress the wife. Her symptom flare ups have been a bit more frequent lately, and stress adds to it.

My first line of defense is getting back to exercising regularly, and eating right. I fell off the wagon, lost all motivation to do anything, and it's all been downhill for about 3 weeks now. It sucks!

I ran into a friend at the store (small town), and she said "I can tell you're struggling." GREAT! Then she says I need to do something for me. She then proceeds to remind me that I quit my job, and don't have anything now. Oh MY God... I came home ready to throw myself in the lake. Like I said, I'd swim, but still.

So, I didn't snap yesterday... I went for a walk instead, and because I don't like being alone, I took Tallulah. My little 3 pound baby was a trooper on that 3 mile escapade. Of course I carried her off and on, but she gave me someone to talk to so I wouldn't look crazy. Today, I'm going to take Cam for the walk... I can no longer take all three, because poor Tallulah gets dragged along.

So there you go...

I better get going. I have a lunch date with my happy friend... no, she really is happy, and she's sweet!! I used to be that way!!!  ;p

Have a great Tuesday!!

Updates!

Previous post updates:

* The wife read my last blog, and wasn't mad at me!!! I didn't make her look like an a**! She says I always do that in my posts, but I don't think I do. You guys can feel the love right? It's there... I mean, we're very much alike... how could I not love someone just like me?!?!?

* I posted awhile back about how I was trying to go all natural everything. It was mainly about how the whole deodorant thing just wasn't going to work for me, and how I would take my chemically enhanced deodorant any day. I told you guys the housekeeper would eventually write me a note telling me get her Windex because I switched us to all natural cleaning products too. It happened, and not just Windex!!

Tilex and Windex... and the Shark stopped steaming. It still vacuums though! :)  I'm not sure about the last part of the note. 

* I posted about going to see Wanderlust, but I'm not sure I posted about seeing The Lorax. I loved it... so, so much. There was a song in the middle of the movie about big corporations and politicians that was SO fitting. Whether you're conservative or liberal, you would agree with it. Oh, and my favorite quote from the movie "You can't reap what you don't sow..." In other words, get out there and sow those seeds, otherwise you have nothing!! Love it.

*I talk a lot about the people here, because they are SO different. This is truly a small town, and I've never lived in a small town before. Anyone I come into contact with knows someone I know. This amazes me, and I love that part of it. They also know everything about you. Which is fine... I mean, I put everything out here, so that doesn't bother me. Anyway... the wife and I have suddenly made a ton of new friends here. Some of which we assumed would totally judge us, but we haven't run into that at all. It's like a friend told me one day... even if you're just changing the way people think, one person at a time, it's worth stepping out of the box, and being who you are. :)



Anyway... I better get going. Plans are unfolding, and I need to attend to all of it!!

Have a great Saturday!!

This is personal, but I share all, right?

Today, I have a lot of different things rolling around in my tired head. I'm tired because we didn't get to bed until way too late. Honestly, I don't know why I think it was way too late, when I don't have to get up at any particular time in the morning... not even to take the kids to school. The girl drives them now, and she loves it. It was too late though, because in my effort to keep a normal schedule (this translates into "in my effort to maintain my sanity"), I do get up early... I make my coffee, I take care of the dogs, I read the news, then I do stuff around the house, although my motivation to do stuff has diminished. Where is that OCD I've always depended on anyway?

Last night we went to karaoke night at our neighborhood restaurant. I've been wanting to go for quite some time because of all of the rumors I had heard. Overall... it was fun. We all got up and sang "Loveshack" by the B52's, with this amazing man who sounded just like the guy in the song, and I made a new friend. She's sweet, and she and I were the only sober ones at the table. I know I talk a lot about "self-medicating" with booze, but I don't do it all that often. When I discovered the 7-Up Zero I was putting in my Sangria for wine spritzers, had aspartame, I stopped drinking them. No wonder I was having headaches all the time. That was really the only thing I would drink at home, so now I'm purely a social drinker, with two being my limit. I can have fun without it... I'm a nut, so it isn't hard.

That being said... I don't like being around really "drunk" people. I don't like being bombarded by men coming onto me with all that liquor on their breath. I don't like watching wives drink their unhappiness away because their husbands are big jerks... then sobering up, and storming out because they've had it. I don't like making the waiter bring me water in shot glasses so the men who keep buying me shots will think I'm drinking right along with them. "It's Vodka," I say. I don't like the wife drinking the way she has been lately. I don't like trying to slow her down... mainly because she gets pissy when I do that, and I feel like a bump on a log. Don't get me wrong... she's not out doing this every day, and she's not way out of control. I just don't like it.

When we first met, she didn't drink at all, because way before I came long, she had a drinking problem. She was also unhappy, which made the problem even more of a problem. She hadn't had a drink for about 5 years when we met, and I liked that she didn't drink. Everyone I knew was a drinker, which never led to anything but trouble. Moving here, her early retirement, and I guess being swallowed up by the very influential environment, has changed the dynamics. She figures why not drink...

Last night I was very frustrated. The wife has started a new thing the past few times she's had many drinks. It's called... drama (within her own head). "I think I have lung cancer..." I say, then you need to stop smoking. "There is something wrong with me... " Spoken with all of the dramatics of a drunk person. I say, then you need to see a freakin' doctor. "I asked the Lord to forgive me for being a failure..." Okay... first of all, she never says "the Lord." I had to roll my eyes, and leave her sitting outside on her beautiful back porch, looking out at the lake, and her surroundings, which I guess in her drunk little head are reminders of failure? 


It goes on, and I'm not saying I don't have a little of that going on, myself. I do... case in point: Me- "The trees are so pretty..." The wife- "Yes, they're beautiful..." Me-"As beautiful as I am, right?" (said with a goofy look on my face) The wife- "Ummm, sure." Really not the way to answer that, but whatever. I'm just pointing out my own sh*t, when I'm sober. I don't need liquor for that.

After I worked past my frustrations, I asked her if her pain goes away when she drinks. Physical pain from the MS. She said it did. So what do you do? I know she hurts a lot... she's had a lot of weakness lately too... but it goes away when she drinks. Although in my head, this doesn't mean the drinking isn't exacerbating the MS. I know the drinking exacerbates the weight gain, which can exacerbate the symptoms... blah, blah, blah. That's what she hears when I say this stuff. She's so stubborn.

So, why am I putting this out here? I don't know... because it's real. Because I need to work my way through it, and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting with my "I don't like it" ways. Because life isn't always about my boredom and panic attacks, right?

I suppose I should wrap this up. The kids will be home from school early today, because Spring Break has begun! I guess I'd be more excited if we were actually doing something. Not doing something has been a serious issue for me because I'm already so crazy bored. We don't do things because the kids are in school... they have activities... we have dogs, and now a bird. Well, school is out. We have a great pet hotel for the dogs, and the vet can take the bird. I'll figure something out... even if the kids and I road trip it to Austin. My idea to put our finger on a map, and just go, was not met with wifely approval. I'm just happy the desire to do that kind of thing still dwells within me!! :)

Have a great day everyone!

Crazy!!

Here it is, blunt... to the point... honest...

I am going ape sh*t crazy with boredom right now. It amazes me how little one gets done, when one is so nuts with nothing, that nothing can be accomplished!! This would totally make sense to you, if you've ever felt like this. I don't really know how to handle it. I mean, do I cry, yell, scream, take a jog in the rain. A jog in the rain actually sounds fun, and if there weren't a high chance of hail, I might consider it. The wife already thinks I'm nuts... because, guess what?!?!?! I am!!!!

Hell, I may go back to school for my masters in whatever pops up in the side bar of my Facebook page at this point. Something I can do online, because I have to be home. If this weren't the case, I'd totally go back for my Masters in OT... that's my passion. I do still have those floating around... passions, dreams... they aren't all being killed by my self medicating ways. You know, I have to calm those panic attacks somehow, and right now... a little bit of "rita's" all I need... remember... my last post. No worries, it's only 11:43, and a margarita is simply a twinkle in my eye.

SO I will close my eyes, take a deep breath, and feel thankful for the down time, because I know how quickly things can turn. I am thankful, I am thankful, I am thankful...

From My Prozac Moment on Facebook

Tonight, we're going out with a group of friends for Karaoke. It's supposed to be a show, and I'm not talking about the singing. I want to ask my neighbor Candy (not her real name, the angry lady next door) if she would like to go. I know she's an angry, bitter person, but I honestly think it would be fun to take her to this particular event, since it brings out the "best" in the locals. I'd love to watch her react to them... the people she has grown up with, but seems to hate... Hell she hates everyone. That's why it would be so fun! I know, I'm sick. I'm bored, remember. I don't want drama, but I have no problem watching it unfold. I'm not talking about putting anyone in a bad position... she knows what goes on down there. I'm talking about listening to her spout off, about all of it. I just had to get that straight. I'm not mean... just crazy right now.

Okay... time for me to head out... errands to run, blah, blah, blah...

A little bit of 'rita's all need...

This is a quickie because the wife's parents will be here soon. I just thought I'd post a blog... you know, my way of procrastinating about the laundry, and the dishes (because our dishwasher is broken again), and whatever the hell else needs to be done around here.

The wife and I went to see Wanderlust this week. It was hilarious, simply because it was so silly. I loved the housewife of the brother... just in case you guys go see it, she's me, minus a few brain cells. I haven't lost any of those just yet. Yep. OH, and when the couple is in the car singing and stuff... that's the wife and I. We looked at each other during that scene, and said "Oh my God, that's us!"

Just beware... there is nudity in this movie... and I LOVED it. These people didn't have star quality bodies all shaved and waxed... nope. They were REAL bodies!! I was so excited (not like that!). I'm a nudist at heart. I think our bodies reach a point, in which they look better naked. No seriously! Clothes squeeze things, and makes things pucker out and over. No clothes, no unnatural puckering. ::ahem::

We also watched a new show GCB... Wow! Those women are so much like the women here (it's supposed to be based in Dallas), I had to laugh. They had it right for sure! Not Dallas, but close enough.

I have to give a shout out to the men here, since I can't shout too much about the women... you know, the whole "don't say anything, if it's not nice," rule. The men here are ever so helpful. I almost ran one over the other day. See, we have a very steep driveway, and in order to get out of it, you have to gun it. I guess the nice gentleman walking by my house didn't realize this, and he came up behind my car, to try to prevent me from running over a bag that was behind it. Luckily he shouted, and I heard him. That's one reason not to blare my "Just Because" playlist as soon as I get in the car. It would have been a shame to run over a man who was trying to save a bag of trash, that someone in my household couldn't quite get out to the bin.

Well, all right then... I suppose it's time for me to do those freakin' dishes and get the laundry out of the dryer before the wife's parents arrive. I know, I know... you want to partake in all the fun that's about to be had, right?

Though I was talking about "margaritas..."



Have a great day!! 

If you don't...

As Eminem would shout "If you ain't got somethin' nice to say, then don't say nothin'!" I know, you would think he's my hero or something, as much as I've quoted him lately. He's not... I've just been turning to his "music" quite a bit lately as I've worked on getting "this," whatever "this" is, out of my system.

Anyway...
I haven't posted in a few days, so thought I'd pop in for a short, but sweet, post. Well, it won't be sweet, but I'm going to try to keep it short. I'm even doing it in bullets, which is fitting for my mood!!

*We attended a fundraising gala for the kids' school this Saturday. It was so much fun! We rented a limo, and made a grand entrance with 4 other friends. It was a great girls night out for sure. The wife purchased a Justin Bieber autographed guitar through a live auction, and a "Coyote Special" Ruger, which I am very excited about! I think I may change my blog name to Pistol Packin' Mama! Ha!

*The panic attacks are getting worse. Friday night was a nightmare, especially for the wife, I guess. We were on our way back from Fort Worth. It was late, because we had decided to go ahead and have dinner while we were there. With it being so late, you would think there wouldn't have been a traffic problem. Well... there was. A bad one. Apparently they decided to close down the whole freakin' highway one lane at a time. I was okay at first. I got over asap the first two times I was supposed to. When it was down to two lanes, I kind of started to feel a little sick, because we weren't moving at all. As we slowly inched forward, I realized the lane I was in, was also coming to an end, and the people in the last open lane weren't letting us over. I'd hang back, with my blinker on, and they would get as much on the a** of the car in front of them as they could. I lost it. I mean lost it, in true Eminem fashion. The wife was not very understanding, which made it worse... then suddenly, someone let me over, and suddenly, it opened up into the freakin' exit off of that Highway from/to Hell.

The thing with these panic attacks is I hate how they make me feel physically, and I hate how they make me feel when it's all said and done. I need medication. The wife doesn't think I need Xanax because she feels it would render me useless, though she made me self-medicate with a shot of Crown in the limo on Saturday.

I don't think Xanax would hit me all that hard, especially a low dose, because here's the deal... I function at high energy levels most of the time, meaning I can be a bit high strung. When I have a panic attack, my level of functioning moves beyond functional. Usually I can at least hold myself together, but the wife questioning me when she did on Friday night, sent me over the edge... mainly because I was truly at the end of my functional rope. All day today, I've had this "butterflies in my stomach" feeling... anxious for no reason!!  Please... oh please Xanax Gods... send me some relief!!

That's all I've got tonight...
The wife's parents are coming tomorrow, the house is a disaster, and I'm wiped out. 

You see, this is what happens...

Dysfunctional Conversations:

1. The other night, the wife and I were driving home from who knows where... It was pretty late, maybe 2 in the morning? Anyway... the reason I'm stressing the time is because as we rounded the corner near the Harbor District in town, we saw a group of kids (late teens) walking down the road. One guy with a backpack on, and three girls walking behind him, all dressed decently. No one else was out... cars or people. It was weird. I told the wife that was strange and she said, "No not really, because they were ghosts." I gave her a look, then told her to turn back around, and lets go see. She didn't want to because she said she was tired. I said "C'mon, you drive the car through them, then you're right! You end up running them over, then I guess you're still right, because if they weren't ghosts to begin with, they sure would be afterward!" She looked at me as we sat at the stop light, and didn't say anything for a minute, then she says "Blog that sh*t why don't you!" SO there ya' go! ;o)

2. I was b*tching about the healthcare issues and politics. The wife is very Conservative, and I'm pretty good about seeing both sides of things, which has made the upcoming elections a source of great stress for me. This time I was saying that I can't believe companies would be allowed to choose what they want to cover, as far as insurance goes, based on moral beliefs. Contraception is the big topic up for grabs right now, and here's what I see: People can't get birth control because they don't have money for extras like that. People are not going to stop having sex. They like it, it feels good, and it's something to do when you're poor and bored. SO, no money for birth control, lotsa' sex, a booming population with no money to feed or support itself, the government is already in debt... oh, wait... let's not forget that Planned Parenthood, an organization that provides free contraceptives, and educational materials, is losing funding... AND the Government is in DEBT! Did I already say that? It can't handle a sudden surge in population, and because the education system sucks, and is overcrowded already, the population will not ever learn to take care of itself! Third world country much? So here I am... b*tching away about all of this, not letting the wife get a word in, until I am done. DO you know what she says to me?? "Well, honey, these are the end of times." Way to shut me up... now I'll have nightmares.

3. I don't know why these things always happen to me, but they do. Today, after getting my nails done, I headed out in search of lunch for the wife and I. She wasn't feeling well, so I knew fast food wasn't the answer. I found a place that's kind of in between restaurant food, and fast food, that they just built here on Alcatraz. I was also excited it was fairly easy to get in and out of. I parked, and ran in. There was a woman coming out of the order line, when she looked at me and said "Woohoo, you're a Christian!!" I was a little taken aback by her exuberance while also wondering what the Hell. I felt around my neckline wondering if my it was my necklace she was seeing, that had her so excited... finally I said, "YES, and I got my nails done too!" Yeah, I'm serious, I said that. I mean, what does one say when confronted in such a way? It was a major switch from the snake heads (previous post) I've been running into. I've gotta hand it to her, she kept smiling, as I moved into line, and placed my order. After I ordered my food, I was standing there still thinking about that strange interaction when I started my whole self conscious clothes tugging. While I was doing this I realized something...
I had on a long sleeve Kansas State University top. Ahhhhh, she wasn't saying "You're a Christian!" She was probably saying something along the lines of "Woohoo, you're a KState fan!!" I dunno., I felt pretty stupid, but chasing her down to explain my inability to hear, or understand, seemed a bit like chasing your dog down after you've accidentally stepped on them, to "apologize," not realizing that chasing them is probably scaring them more! If I were a fan, I may have known immediately what she was saying. We just have these shirts because the wife's brother-in-law is a fan, and we went to a game the last time we were in Kansas. I threw it on because it matched the purple in my work-out shorts, and it had gotten a bit chilly out. Oops...

Okay... that's it for tonight. Cam is barking like a fool at Tallulah, and I've got a busy day tomorrow. I'm getting my hair done, and we're going to a huge fundraising event in the evening, that will hopefully be a ton of fun!! I'll make it fun, that's for sure!! 

Oh No She Didn't...

Oh yes I did...

The women in this town are "different." I'm not sure any of you guys ever saw or heard of the reality TV show Big Rich Texas, but the women they featured supposedly lived in Dallas. It was an embarrassment to Dallas women (we were once Dallas women ourselves, and I never saw that type of behavior), but it could totally fit the women in this town. Excluding our friends who we love!!

Last week (I think it was last week... it all tends to run together), when I took the kids to get their passports, I had my first glimpse of this, but didn't really think anything about it at the time. I was going back into the office because I had to drop something off so the clerk could get our paperwork finished up. As soon as I walked in, I saw a woman sitting there with her "man." That woman gave me the look from Hell, and did this little head thing, you know, kind of like a snake. Well, sadly I'm not one to just ignore these things, so I did it right back, and continued on my happy little way to the desk. Pfffttt... I just figured I looked extra good that day, so whatever, right?

Well, we had a party Saturday for the wife's tennis peeps, and we heard stories about the women in this town that made our mouths drop. I thought back to the woman in the passport office, dressed beautifully, nails done, pretty enough if she hadn't been such a b*tch, and I considered myself lucky I didn't get my a** jumped, because apparently that's what they do around here. Wow...  Oh, and lets not forget everyone around here knows someone you know!

Today was a beautiful day... so beautiful I decided to put the top down on the car while running my errands. Right now, due to total reconstruction, we have the road from Hell as our only way in and out of our neighborhood and town. The crews will normally stop traffic in order to let the big trucks pass, and today, they stopped traffic on both sides, putting me right next to cars going the opposite direction. I glanced over at the woman in the car next to me, just because I feel stupid sitting still, and looking directly ahead, and she did the snake head (again!!!)!!!! Well, me being who I am, glanced down at my playlist, and played a song I downloaded for an occasion such as this. I just like the first part, the chorus... the rest of the song, I don't care much about. Luckily it started out exactly how I needed it to, and the road crew on my side of the road, loved the song making it a win-win. Plus I figured they were on my side had "snake head" come after me. Yep...



Seriously though... what is up with these women?