Just Two Chicks!

Just Two Chicks!


Friday, March 9, 2012

This is personal, but I share all, right?

Today, I have a lot of different things rolling around in my tired head. I'm tired because we didn't get to bed until way too late. Honestly, I don't know why I think it was way too late, when I don't have to get up at any particular time in the morning... not even to take the kids to school. The girl drives them now, and she loves it. It was too late though, because in my effort to keep a normal schedule (this translates into "in my effort to maintain my sanity"), I do get up early... I make my coffee, I take care of the dogs, I read the news, then I do stuff around the house, although my motivation to do stuff has diminished. Where is that OCD I've always depended on anyway?

Last night we went to karaoke night at our neighborhood restaurant. I've been wanting to go for quite some time because of all of the rumors I had heard. Overall... it was fun. We all got up and sang "Loveshack" by the B52's, with this amazing man who sounded just like the guy in the song, and I made a new friend. She's sweet, and she and I were the only sober ones at the table. I know I talk a lot about "self-medicating" with booze, but I don't do it all that often. When I discovered the 7-Up Zero I was putting in my Sangria for wine spritzers, had aspartame, I stopped drinking them. No wonder I was having headaches all the time. That was really the only thing I would drink at home, so now I'm purely a social drinker, with two being my limit. I can have fun without it... I'm a nut, so it isn't hard.

That being said... I don't like being around really "drunk" people. I don't like being bombarded by men coming onto me with all that liquor on their breath. I don't like watching wives drink their unhappiness away because their husbands are big jerks... then sobering up, and storming out because they've had it. I don't like making the waiter bring me water in shot glasses so the men who keep buying me shots will think I'm drinking right along with them. "It's Vodka," I say. I don't like the wife drinking the way she has been lately. I don't like trying to slow her down... mainly because she gets pissy when I do that, and I feel like a bump on a log. Don't get me wrong... she's not out doing this every day, and she's not way out of control. I just don't like it.

When we first met, she didn't drink at all, because way before I came long, she had a drinking problem. She was also unhappy, which made the problem even more of a problem. She hadn't had a drink for about 5 years when we met, and I liked that she didn't drink. Everyone I knew was a drinker, which never led to anything but trouble. Moving here, her early retirement, and I guess being swallowed up by the very influential environment, has changed the dynamics. She figures why not drink...

Last night I was very frustrated. The wife has started a new thing the past few times she's had many drinks. It's called... drama (within her own head). "I think I have lung cancer..." I say, then you need to stop smoking. "There is something wrong with me... " Spoken with all of the dramatics of a drunk person. I say, then you need to see a freakin' doctor. "I asked the Lord to forgive me for being a failure..." Okay... first of all, she never says "the Lord." I had to roll my eyes, and leave her sitting outside on her beautiful back porch, looking out at the lake, and her surroundings, which I guess in her drunk little head are reminders of failure? 

It goes on, and I'm not saying I don't have a little of that going on, myself. I do... case in point: Me- "The trees are so pretty..." The wife- "Yes, they're beautiful..." Me-"As beautiful as I am, right?" (said with a goofy look on my face) The wife- "Ummm, sure." Really not the way to answer that, but whatever. I'm just pointing out my own sh*t, when I'm sober. I don't need liquor for that.

After I worked past my frustrations, I asked her if her pain goes away when she drinks. Physical pain from the MS. She said it did. So what do you do? I know she hurts a lot... she's had a lot of weakness lately too... but it goes away when she drinks. Although in my head, this doesn't mean the drinking isn't exacerbating the MS. I know the drinking exacerbates the weight gain, which can exacerbate the symptoms... blah, blah, blah. That's what she hears when I say this stuff. She's so stubborn.

So, why am I putting this out here? I don't know... because it's real. Because I need to work my way through it, and I'm wondering if I'm overreacting with my "I don't like it" ways. Because life isn't always about my boredom and panic attacks, right?

I suppose I should wrap this up. The kids will be home from school early today, because Spring Break has begun! I guess I'd be more excited if we were actually doing something. Not doing something has been a serious issue for me because I'm already so crazy bored. We don't do things because the kids are in school... they have activities... we have dogs, and now a bird. Well, school is out. We have a great pet hotel for the dogs, and the vet can take the bird. I'll figure something out... even if the kids and I road trip it to Austin. My idea to put our finger on a map, and just go, was not met with wifely approval. I'm just happy the desire to do that kind of thing still dwells within me!! :)

Have a great day everyone!


Anonymous said...

Sometimes life is panic attacks and boredom and it's hard to escape and have patience through it!

I really like the idea of finger to map and just go! We aren't planning anything for spring break either :(

I hope things look up soon!

Anita said...

I'm not having a good feeling about what you've written. I'm hearing some alarm bells. You and the wife have got some work to do... without the booze and bars.

Try some long walks or short routine lunches, or something together, whatever...