To lose someone

This will be a short one...
I'm not really sure why, but the death of Elizabeth Edwards has been on my mind much more than it should be. I only say this, because I didn't personally know her. Maybe it's because I had only just read about her doctors stopping treatment of her cancer, then hours later, I read that she had died.

It's just so sad, how quickly she passed on. I can't imagine the suffering while she was going through treatments... treatments that obviously weren't working. I mean, looking at pictures of her, you would never know anything was wrong.

It's terrible and I hurt for her... for the pain caused by cancer, and for the pain caused by her husband's infedility... all within the same time frame.

We all deserve so much more out of life than an ending such as that and I really hope that her last year, her last month... her last hours, were spent exactly as she wanted to spend them...

An Interesting Way

It's been a while since I've blogged. The holidays, the kids, the animals, the wife, the job, and the writing have kept me away... but I have a few things I want to say, so here goes.

First off...
I really hope everyone had a very happy Thanksgiving! I hope you enjoyed good food and good times with family and friends!

Second...
I recently read a blog post over at Beyond the Diapers and Spills that discussed different religious beliefs. This isn't what led to my blog post, yet I couldn't help but think back on her blog after a discussion the wife and I had.

We were talking about the horrible things we've been reading about in the news. People do such terrible things to eachother, to children. I feel punishment for these monsters is way too lenient... that they deserve to suffer just as much if not more than their victims. The wife agreed and took it a step further by saying they should suffer in death as well. She believes we should all be armed with the knowledge that our afterlife will be a living nightmare if we victimize others. That knowledge would then make us think twice before acting. After having this discussion with someone else, the wife discovered Hindus believe bad people come back as turtles. They are held captive forever in shells, unable to move quickly, and forced to live for over one hundred years in such a manner, with lots of time to think about their past life... a human soul in a turtle body.

The moment passed, but a few days later the wife and I were looking in on Florence ( I never did blog that we changed the turtle's name to Florence from Four), when the wife said "Florence, what kind of horrible thing did you do to land you in such a place?" My reply was that I would really like to think that my classroom pet, and out new holiday companion, is an innocent. I will tell you though, that as I look in on Florence, her eyes do look wise... they do watch us... Florence, what DID you do as a human?

This is why...

I totally love my wife...

A few nights ago we're were lying (or is it laying?) in bed, and I told her how worried I am about our class pet. It's a turtle and the children named her Four. I told the wife that it's cold in our classroom during the day and that I can only imagine how cold it must get at night. I told her how I hold the turtle in my lap to warm her. I can tell when she gets warm because her back legs will come out of her shell.

We decided to bring the turtle home. The guy at the pet store said Four needed a heat lamp, a pool, and large glass aquarium so she'll have room to walk around. Wow... okay. I buy all this stuff, pick the turtle up from the school and take it home.

The wife seemed surprised to find me walking up the stairs with a turtle in my arms. At first she was in shock (she said I was holding it like a baby and it's little legs were hanging down as if it were in a pouch. She also thought I was scared of it.), then she wanted to hold her, then she told me to bring the stuff upstairs to get her settled in her new space. She was very excited... running around clearing a space and such.I tried to explain to her that the aquarium is big and that we really don't need it in our room, but she wasn't having any of that.

So, we are now cohabitating with Florence the turtle. The wife is calling it HERS, and I think that's pretty cute.

This is why I love my wife!

In your shoes

"I would never go back to my teen years." This told by me to a teen not belonging to me in an exercise performed in a workshop I sent my daughter to.

You see, I get that being a teen is hard. You're still feeling your way around, learning lessons that will hopefully lead to your success as an adult. You're trying on different ideas about life, who you are, who you want to be, and who you want your friends to be. You're insecure about everything under the sun except the pictures you take of yourself in the bathroom mirror.. I assume you aren't insecure about those since you post them ALL over facebook. ALL of you do it, The boys with no shirt on... :::yuck:: Just saying... and the girls are usually puckering their lips in some odd sort of ummmm... is it supposed to be a pout? Your parents should be seen and not heard... well, really not seen either, but you make concessions... being home together is okay, but not out and about. 

I get it... but you don't see the other side. You don't see that I have no idea what I'm doing.You don't believe I'm not out to ruin your life. You don't realize the decisions I make regarding you are at times a direct result of your actions. You don't get that I'm doing everything in my power to give you the teen years you deserve... the teen years I missed out on. 

I've never had a teen, and because my teen years were cut short due to a mentally ill mother, I have no idea what being a "normal" teen means. I want you to have friends. I want you to have fun. I want you to have your driver's license. I want you to have a car, and a curfew, and boyfriend. I want you to have the "best" clothes, the "best" electronics, the "best" of everything you want.

I have expectations... I expect you to be responsible... get your school work done and stop giving excuses as to why it didn't make it into your teachers inbox on the day it was due. I expect you to be honest with me. I've never given you a reason to lie, regardless of the situation. This makes it hard when you lie about little things... I wonder about the bigger events in life. I expect you to own your mistakes... stop blaming others for your issues. I expect you to do what you're asked to do without an argument... a request to take out the trash, at times turns into a 30 minute debate as to why you have to do it. I expect you to have respect for yourself, the people you come into contact with, and for the people in your family.

We sent the girl to a workshop this weekend, and I guess we were hoping to see a major change in her right away. We expected new languaging, both verbal and body. We expected her to be like the other teens in the workshop... happy, dancing around, making friends, loving life. She was aloof, acting as if she was better than all of that. Maybe the change will come slowly... she did come away talking about it in a positive manner. Patience...

.

In the news

I'm currently sitting in front of DFW airport eagerly awaiting the wife's arrival from ummm... Well, I can't remember, great. Yes, she's been many different places as of late... No, I'm not getting early dementia. I promise.

While waiting, I've been getting caught up on current events...

In the headlines:

"Where should sex offenders live?" Really? They shouldn't live.

"1m bond set for Ohio kidnapper" Why is this man even offered the option? I mean, he is obviously guilty... There is no maybe he did it. There is no excuse for his crime that could make it "okay."

"Pink is pregnant" I hope she has a healthy baby and that she doesn't lose sleep over their teen years as I have thus far.

"Is Bristol Palin in the "Dancing" finals? Who really cares...

"Bush: Obama deserves to govern without criticism from me" And people deserve to live and love freely too... I'm sure Bush would disagree.

"Hospital care fatal for some Medicare patients" Well, Obama did basically say people needed to be euthanized once they reached a certain age and became a drain on the healthcare system. Is this his plan?



Okay... The wife has landed! Yay!






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Futility?

If you've been reading my blogs, you're well aware of my writer's block. I've been working very hard on overcoming this block, but my mind has been so, ummmm... smudged lately. I haven't been thinking clearly and I forget every thing! I'm too young to develop senility, and too old not to remember my birthday!

I suppose this mind boggling smudge on my brain is causing at least a small portion of my block. Due to this, I've been doing small writing exercises... my attempt to get the juices flowing again. Once that happens, I can get back to my serious writing.

I actually started writing a book a few months ago. Recently, a friend of mine asked me if I had an outline. I just stared at him. No outlines, although I did try. I tried to wrap my head around it, but it just didn't come. I write from the cuff. I know direction is needed, but I like to see what happens as I go. For a list person such as myself, this isn't really common practice, but it's the only way I function in my stories.

I stopped focusing on the book soon after I started it. Then I looked back at old writings, and realized I have a few different book beginnings lying dormant in documents. I suppose I've been giving up, setting myself up to fail, looking for excuses not to do finish things out. After much encouraging from the wife and some friends, I've decided to go for it. I mean, the most horrible thing that can happen is that I can receive negative feedback. Negative feedback is actually good, right? Because I can use that to improve myself.

So, with that said, I've decided to post one of my creative writing activities. Here it is:

Have you ever yearned for something so much that your insides hurt? Have you ever felt such a great need for something, that nothing, absolutely nothing, could fill it except that which you long for? There are few things in life that I long for… few things I truly need. I do long for peace… peace around me, peace within me. Most of the time I have it, but there are times I need to find it… search it out. Now is one of those times. One of those times I long… One of those times I need.


Almost

My hair is somewhat stringy and in my face. I’m continuously brushing it from my eyes. I take a deep breath, mouth open… immediately I taste the air. It’s salty/sweet/warm/cold. I intently listen to the sounds around me. They are at times softer than a lullaby, but then can also be as hard and rough as a heavy metal rock band playing for a crowd of admirers.

The smells cling to my hair, skin, and clothes as they drop from the wind. They stick to me for hours and I know that nothing less than a shower will help. I don’t care about any of this though, because for me, this is happiness. This is peace. I love the smell, the sounds, the taste. This is where I want to be and this is where I stay.

Earlier I was digging for sunglasses, and now I’m tossing them aside. Earlier I was feeling a bit warm, now my skin is hot, but I’ve got goose bumps. I tug my jacket on, pulling my hair out of the restraint of the collar. My hair is tangled and damp, and the jacket sleeves are sticking to my arms, but I’m happy. My shoes have been discarded and the blanket I’m sitting on is about to be drenched. High tide is coming.

I reach over for something… the one thing that would have made this moment perfect. The one thing that fills my heart more than this amazing ocean in front of me, and the one thing that inspires me more than the mountains behind me. I love her. I close my hand as it were holding hers. I'm oblivious to the sand filtering through my fingers feeling only what I want to feel. Her warmth surrounds me.

The water rushes up, reaching my toes this time and the chill startles me. I open my hand because now all I feel is the sand that had formed a small clump in my grasp. All I feel is the chill in the air... I could almost feel her.

The phone rings bringing me out of my daydream. I ignore it and look around my bedroom. It's dark now.

I could almost feel the ocean. I could almost taste and smell the ocean air. I could almost hear the waves and the gulls. Almost…

Crying...

Crying is healthy... a good thing. I searched endlessy on YouTube for a particular episode of Everybody Loves Raymond. Debra told Raymond about her need for alone time. He was curious as to why she would need such a thing, so he decided to spy on her. As he's looking through a window, he spots her sitting on the couch crying. He's in shock and wonders why she's crying. Is she unhappy with him? Is she faking happiness when he's around? What on earth has he done to upset her so? When she finds out he spied on her, she explains that sometimes she just needs a good cry.

I'm not one to cry. I mean, there are times I really want to... times I really need to, but I just can't get it out. I blame this on my very messed up childhood and then my very messed up marriage. I mean, crying really didn't help a situation. It actually made it worse and would at times draw unwanted attention. So, I held it in.

Now here I am, a grown woman who is unable to cry... until last night and today. OH MY goodness, I think I've lost my mind! I'm crying over the kids, the wife, the dogs, lack of sleep, lack of drive...

Is this PMS at its worst? Is it menopause? Seriously!!!!

Here's a video to commemorate this occasion... warning though... don't have the volume up too loud or the beginning will scare you to death!

Happiness is...

My morning latte!

Making smore with my family outside by the water!

Getting to go to Mississippi to see my team play, THEN watching them win!!

A silly all girl sleepover with friends for Halloween!

Mountains above me and ocean below me!

Enjoying our backyard from our balcony

The furry babies... and the cat too!

Last but NOT least my family... I would post a picture, but the wife would freak!

What makes you happy? :)

The Big Picture and Pipe dreams

Have you ever felt as if you’re chasing dreams that are destined be just that… dreams? I suppose when they’re not destined to be more than that, they’re called pipe dreams. I feel as though that’s what I’m doing… constantly dreaming but never being able to fully see the big picture.

Honestly, I abandoned the book writing dream a few months ago. I can’t tell you how many blogs exist in which the blogger wishes to write a book… just like me. It’s discouraging and I don’t think my stuff is all that great. If I don’t like it, then how can I expect others to?

Then I have the dream of owning my own business. Not just any business. I’ve had this idea in my head since my days of working with special education students. It’s a great idea, and I know it would work, though it won’t make us millionaires. The wife doesn’t want to have to deal with another business. She also doesn’t want me wrapped up in one because her goal is to be bought out of her own business within the next few years. For me, that’s a lot of waiting, and then, what exactly am I waiting for? I would be waiting for her to finish her buy-out contract, and then watch while she starts something else… so what about me?

I thought going back to school for my Masters in OT would get me closer to either putting my business plan into action or at least giving me more options if I had to go back to work. The wife doesn’t want me to do that either. She wants me to focus on my writing. She seems to think I have something.

I’m really feeling the need for something of my own lately. I think this need has increased due to my surprising lack of enthusiasm for being in the classroom full-time. I love teaching my little kindergartners for two and half hours a day and then coming home. I don’t think I could go back to work in a classroom all day, and be happy. That’s very disappointing because one, I used to really enjoy it, and two, it’s my only option. I know I’ve painted myself into this “one option” corner, but my goal was always to go back for my masters in either ABA or school counseling. Working in the special education classroom turned me on to OT and my business idea. Ughhhhh… Advice… I need advice.

Cracker Debacle

Note to wife: please do not mix your wheat trisket crackers with my multigrain crackers just because both boxes are almost empty.

Reason why: I don't like your crackers. You can imagine the huge disappointment when I reach into the box and pull out one of your crackers. Not to mention the confusion. I look at the box thinking perhaps I'm color blind. My cracker box is white, while yours is yellow. No, it's the right box. I realize what has happened and dig further down, looking for MY crackers... Ah... At the very bottom of the box, I discover 4 multigrain crackers. YES, I said 4.

Conclusion: Had the boxes not been combined, I would have realized the need to purchase more multigrain crackers. As it was,I had 4 available and was quite dissatisfied.

The end


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Total Domination

Food! Good food, bad food, good food that’s bad for you, bad food that’s good for you. Does food pretty much dominate your life? It dominates mine. There are so many choices out there as far as food. You can buy organic, wild, farm raised, locally grown, all natural (not the same as organic), low carb, low fat, gluten free, lactose free, 100 calorie packs, high protein, high fiber, etc etc. etc… what is one to do?


Here is what I normally do (normally being the key word)…

I buy organic canned goods and milk. Not because I’m some sort of yuppie food snob, but because I have major stomach issues, and organic seems to be better for my digestive system. Don’t ask me why… I have no idea. I’m just going by experience. Lately I’ve been buying frozen fruits just because it lasts longer.

I read the back labels on everything I purchase. This makes for a LOT of time in the grocery store. I look for low fat, low sodium, and low carbs. I don’t care about calories. Never have, and guess what… it seems to work as far as my weight goes.

I stay away from red meat. Not for any other reason except that my digestive system rebels against red meat. I will admit that it feels good to drive by cows grazing on the sides of the road, and know I don’t eat them.

I buy lactose free milk, but regular low-fat cheese. Not sure why I can’t have milk, but cheese doesn’t bother me. We buy the low fat white cheeses and low fat swiss cheese. Good stuff!

I buy red pepper hummus instead of bean dip. This is incredibly yummy with Simply Naked pita chips.

What I did this weekend… I’m not really sure what went wrong this weekend except that maybe I’m pms’ing. Or maybe one really bad thing led to another? Who knows…

3 Krispy Kremes, 1 Long John Silver fish filet, and beef ravioli… ughhhh. Thank goodness I’ll be back in the gym tomorrow. That is if my digestive system will allow me to leave the house. I will not feel guilty… I will not feel like I’ve polluted my body… I’ll just move on and learn from my mistakes. ::sigh::

As promised!

This is a video of the flooding our backyard experienced a few weeks ago. I was finally able to gt it posted! It's actually pretty cool. :)

Stranger things, I suppose

Nosiness is not becoming, BUT it is a fact of life. I hate to stereo-type this way, but I would say women are far nosier than men, which puts the wife and I “in the know” about all sorts of things we have no business knowing! The problem with us being “in the know” happens when we suddenly realize we don’t know something fairly important. Would you consider it important?

A few months ago, I blogged about the neighbors having their home remodeled. Well, I suppose I blogged about sitting out on the balcony at 2 am and realizing the contractors were working that late next door. Anyway, the point is… our neighbors and our curiosity when it comes to them.

The neighbors to our right are known to our family and friends as “the vampires.” We call them this because before the remodel job, our kitchen window looked straight into some unknown room of their house. Hanging on the wall in this unknown room was a vampire. Now please keep in mind, I am home alone way too much for my liking AND I happen to have an odd fear of vampires that stems from the few years of my childhood that were spent in England.

I’ll never forget the night I was standing at the sink, rinsing off the dinner dishes before I loaded them in the dishwasher, when I looked up and saw this THING hanging on the wall. A few short thoughts went through my head like “It’s not Halloween…” or, “Maybe it’s a fun thing for the grandchildren…” etc, etc, etc. Suddenly, while I was staring at that thing on the wall, the woman who lived there passed by the window. She had long white hair done in two braids, and she saw me staring in. Honestly, I was too busy trying to figure out why someone would have that hanging on their wall to be embarrassed about her catching me looking.

When they started their remodel, we were very curious as to what was going on inside that house. There were contractors there day and night all summer long. We saw things being hauled out, and things being hauled in. We figured they must of have totally redone the house and have joked around about how we want to go ask for sugar just so we can take a peek inside. Overall I’ve not questioned our curiosity nor have I thought it strange that we don’t talk to these neighbors. I didn’t even really question it as much as the wife, when we saw the husband/grandpa of the house at the office supply store, and he ran in the other direction when he saw us. I figure he’s old, rich, and eccentric. SO, I didn’t think anything until the wife said “I think his wife must have died.”

When our other neighbor’s wife died, we knew. We made sure he was okay, and we supported him through her illness. As far as the vampires, we’ve not had the opportunity to get to know them. I would at times wonder why the daughter was over there almost every day for awhile. It did occur to me that maybe someone was sick, but I was thinking more of a mental illness… I guess due to their odd behavior. Then the daughter moved in with her little girls (who we also never see). Then they started the remodel. The wife is right… I’ve not seen the mother/grandmother in I don’t know how long. I kind of hope that rather than moving on, she’s simply moved out.

It’s just so odd to me to be so close (at least in the vicinity of daily) to people, but NOT. I don't know, maybe it's not "important" for us to know, but it's important... you know?

Sunday, Football, Pride, and Loss (again)

Well, it’s Monday and I am officially wiped out. I started the day this way and I have only myself to blame. We have dogs… three very small ones and umm, they sleep in the bed with us. Not something I’m proud of, and not the smartest thing in the world if one wants a healthy night of rest. Callie, the “middle child” kept crawling around the bed last night, in and out of the covers… ugh. Tallulah, like her mother, has no patience for that, and would give a deep growl every time Callie started moving. Let’s not even discuss Calvin, who sleeps well enough, but has other major issues, and jumps up ready to go to the restroom as soon as the alarm goes off. Needless to say, you can’t catch a break.

Yesterday was Sunday. Sunday means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. For some it’s a day of rest, a day spent with church families, a day of football worship, and for others on this particular Sunday, a day for a Gay Pride Celebration. Gay pride parades are something else to see. Men dressed up in their finest ball gowns or skimpy leather wear… women riding topless on motorcycles… toddlers sporting t-shirts with the claim of having two mommies or daddies… rainbows everywhere you look… candy, beaded necklaces, and other party type favors flying through the air as the colorful (in more ways than one) floats go by… live music playing in the park located the last block of the parade, and last but not least the protesters waving their crosses and shouting how much God hates the gays.

The wife and I didn’t attend Gay Pride… she hates that stuff and feels like it gives gays a bad image. I guess she’s right… people tend to focus on the “side shows” of the parade and not the point behind it. The point being… it feels good to get out and be who you are for one day. Hold your partner’s hand in public without judgment… for one day. I like going to the parades. This doesn’t mean I show my “rainbow” colors. I just love the people watching. It’s a sight to behold. I love the music, I love parades in general and you have to admit Gay Pride is the brightest most colorful, most celebratory looking parade out there! Although… I would have never taken my small children to the parade itself. The after-party in the park is more family friendly.

So this Sunday we had a “football worship” Sunday… wasted time. The Dallas Cowboys seem to be a bit overrated this year. I’d rather spew gay pride than show Cowboy pride at this moment.

MS doesn't rule us

Wow, I can’t believe how quickly the weekend flies by! I’m not even sure what happened these past few days!

Just kidding about not knowing, but lucky for you, I’m not going to give a minute by minute, or even a day by day, account of it. You would be snoozing on your keyboard before you made it to Saturday! What I am going to talk about has a little to do with my last blog:

What Rules You?

This Saturday morning, the wife had a tennis match. Now please keep in mind that we live in the great state of Texas, and right now, our portion of Texas is hot, humid, and miserable. She loves tennis, is good at it, and signed up with a league for these reasons, and also to lose weight through activity. The weight loss is going well, but I worry about her on the court in this extreme heat.

The wife has MS and I believe the heat exacerbates it. She suffers from a variety of symptoms that we try to pin down to specific activities in order to lessen their occurrence. Knowing what I know, and knowing her the way I do, it’s hard to watch her out there at times. She’s very competitive and works hard to win. She can also laugh and joke around with opponents and tennis partners alike. I see this, but also know she’s hurting, is possibly numb on one side, and her hearing is more than likely going in and out.

All of this is going on within her, possibly more than what she's told me, but no one can tell. I know that after the match, she’ll have a hard time cooling off, and a hard time forming her thoughts and then translating them verbally. It won’t last long, but I know she’s suffering from an exhaustion we can only imagine.

I watch her play tennis, and she glances at me frequently to make sure I’m watching her. I love and admire her and… I know what rules me.

What rules you?

This is actually a topic from a blog that I posted on a long ago website. ;) I've decided to revisit this topic, but not because what rules me has changed. I’m pretty stable as far as that goes… thank goodness for small things, right? As I’ve grown older, I’ve come to realize something. This “something” isn’t amazing, but I’m appreciative of any realization I happen come to.

So, the realization is this… it isn’t really about what rules you. It’s about what rules those you love. Or maybe the circle is this… if the ones you love rule you (in a good way), then I suppose whatever rules them rules you. Make sense? Now that I know this, I’m not quite sure what to do with it, but like I said… I’m thankful for the realization.

Hold on to Sixteen...

"Hold on to sixteen, as long as you can, changes come along real soon make us women and men."

I remember listening to Jack and Diane way before I was sixteen years of age. Back then, I wondered what was so wonderful about being sixteen. Even when I was sixteen, I wondered then what was so wonderful about it. I guess I didn’t have the typical childhood/teenagehood (Yes, I made this word up!). Anyway, it wasn’t normal, so I look back at those times and am so freakin’ thankful I’m not stuck in that horrible vacuum of the teenage years.

I heard that song today, Jack and Diane that is. It came on the 80’s station. Not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it’s good that it’s called 80’s on 8 and not Oldies but Goodies. That makes me happy. You know, sometimes it’s the little things in life!

Thumbs up YouTube Videos

I watched some very interesting videos tonight and wanted to share them. The first one is called The Money Tree... my observation with this video is how accustomed we've become to our environment. We've learned not to look out at the world around us and we just go, go, go. We no longer stop to appreciate the unusual because we don't see it... SO, for this one, go to YouTube and search The Money Tree.

The next one is a portion of a church sermon. It's about 10 minutes long, but I really enjoyed the message this woman had. This video is called Pecking Order-Dealing with Islamophobia. I was in tears...

Well, to be honest I was anyway. We watched two documentaries with live footage from 9/11 and they were absolutely heart wrenching. It's horrible to see people standing in this same location many years later, protesting and burning religious (though it may not be OUR religion) books, and yelling profanities. We need to remember the people on the planes... the fear they must have felt. We need to remember the people hanging from the sides of the building, begging for help from emergency phone operators... We need to remember the fire fighters and the sound of fear in their voices as they tried to rescue people. We need to remember them and respect their memories. Turning the tragic events of 9/11 into an excuse to preach hate is not respecting those who lost their lives.

The skyline from the ferry this past March:


Can you see the face on the grave marker? This was in the cemetary of a church close to Ground Zero...


This was inside the church that served as a haven for the rescue workers for months to come...


Inside the church...a memorial


What we did to remember 9/11

Today the whole family went to a nursing home to visit with the residents. We took Tallulah again and they just loved her. The kids were shadows as usual, but the girl actually surprised me by taking charge of the list and leading us through the halls. The boy was having an allergic reaction to the dog another volunteer brought, so I'll not be so hard on him this time. I do want to see more interaction from him next time though. I loved going to the nursing home. Those people love visits, and appreciate the little gifts of soft socks with no-slip bottoms and big-print crosswords.

Tomorrow we will go to the Salvation Army and feed the homeless. This will be very good for the kids and I'm excited about it. I'm really trying to encourage feelings of empathy within our children. We shall see.

Appropriate response?

This is a quick one...

9/11 is quickly approaching. There are positive things we can do to honor this day. Make it a day of service. Volunteer your time to those less fortunate, help someone buy a meal, take something special to a local veterans hospital.

I'm so disgusted with the preacher who wants to burn the Quran. A God-loving man... unbelievable. I'm disgusted with the way he's abusing the freedoms we're granted in our country. What will this prove to anyone? I just hope people of the Muslim faith understand that not all Americans support this useless act, just as not all Muslims support acts of terrorism.

Make 9/11 what it should be, a day of remembrance, and honor those who lost their lives, honor those who survived, honor those families who lost loved ones... honor them by helping others... not by committing acts of violence or committing acts that could put our country, our soldiers, our homes, our children, in jeopardy.

Rain, Tornado, spin, spin, spin

We have a nice, calm waterway that runs through our back yard and it's usually beautiful. Today, we've had so much rain, that our waterway has begun to rage!The wife took a video of the raging waters before we arrived home and I tried to post it, but for some reason it wouldn't take.I'll try again later, but for now, under all of that raging water, is our stone pathway and deck. At least our paddle boat is holding on tight! We hope it won't sink :)

As of right now, the wife is watching the emergency weather report and cheering it on as one would a football game. She's very excited about the wall cloud that's turning into a tornado on the television screen "right before our eyes!"

30 minutes later:
The excitement soon changed as we watched the wall cloud form into a perfect tornado that touched down less than 10 miles from our home. There was a quick gathering of the animals, putting away the dinner I was cooking, and getting the temporary shelter prepared in the restroom. The sirens soon started blaring, but luckily the tornado lifted and moved past us just in the nick of time!

Ahhhh, the trama of it all... now I'm worn out!

The Brangelina Debacle

Okay, I’m not a person who tends to follow celebrities and their crazy lives, but since I wasn’t feeling well today, I decided to grab a “trash” magazine while at the grocery store. I came home, unpacked the groceries, climbed in bed, and read all the latest celebrity gossip. Some of it is just craziness. Who are the Kardashians, anyway? Are they from a reality tv show? Those women are NOT attractive at all… ughhh.

Some of it, I can almost relate to. Take Brad and Angelina. They appear to be disagreeing on the press time Angelina spends talking about Shiloh. She’s their 5 year old who “wants to be a boy.” First of all, I have to say that it’s good to hear she’s giving that baby press time. I still remember the big deal that was made when she called Shiloh a blob. So now, she’s “gushing” over the little girl. She’s proud of her for being who she wants to be, and has apparently been telling people about her strong personality, likes, and dislikes. I do wonder if she is simply making sure people know she is not choosing this for her child. I mean, I remember when our daughter chose to wear red sparkly Wizard of Oz shoes with everything, and I do mean everything. I made sure people knew I wasn’t fashionably ignorant. Silly, I know, but c’mon. We worry about what people think, no matter who we are in the “food chain.” ;o) Maybe her gushing stems at least a tiny bit from that. I also think she wants people to know she supports her child no matter what.

I also understand Brad’s side of things. He’s a private person who very rarely discusses his children individually and I think he wants to protect Shiloh from negative publicity. I can just imagine the right wing Christian groups are going nuts with this. I can see them using this sweet little girl as a poster child for reform camps or as an example of something morally incorrect. “This is what happens when you have children out of traditional wedlock!” Bleh…

So, there’s my take on people I don’t personally know. My little bit of gossip, hopefully with no judgment passed. Well, except when it comes to the Kardashians… yuck!

Loving this!!

Is the long holiday weekend over already? We’ve been experiencing a “cold front” these past few days. In Dallas, it’s called a cold-front when the temperature dips into the 80’s. I’ve loved the weather and get the feeling it has been a major contributor to my restlessness these past few days. I mean, we’ve got cooler weather, college football season, a convertible, and my love for road trips pulling at me like a child having a temper tantrum.

This weekend was spent cleaning the garage… fun stuff huh? It was also spent hanging out at home and volunteering with a group I’ve signed myself up with. I’m very excited about the things I’ve signed myself up for. One is a volunteer organization that goes to nursing homes, shelters, etc. etc. I like the volunteer group because I can take the kids to most of these activities. This will be so good for them! The wife and I did a nursing home on Saturday (the kids were with their dad), and they allowed us to bring Tallulah. The residents love dogs!



Tallulah at the nursing home wondering what her job is.

The other group I joined is a walk/run group that meets quite often during the week. I like the walk/run group because I really need some “me” things to balance out the “wife’s me things” (her tennis group), so this is part of my “things for me” project. Yes, I’ve made it a project. If I label it a project, and then put it on a list, I am more likely to do it.

There are SO many groups out there to join! One looked really fun, but I’m trying to remain within the confines of the wife’s blessings, which means I cannot join the “liberal drinking group.” This is a group that meets at local hangouts to discuss politics, and yes, to drink. That sounded like fun to me, but I’m pretty sure the wife wouldn’t want me doing that… I’ve still got it marked down as a favorite just in case, though. Perhaps I can find a road trip group… THAT would be fun! I wonder how you would avoid meeting “crazies”. Hmmmm…

So I’m really interested in knowing what others do to balance themselves out as far as their relationships with their spouses or significant others, their family, and their social activities.

What if there’s a group of women getting together planning a “girl trip.” They’re leaving the husbands behind and setting off on an adventure. How does that work in your relationship? How would that work for mine? I mean, we’re both girls. I’m fairly certain the wife and I wouldn’t go on a “girl” trip without each other. It wouldn’t bode well for either of us.

Time for me to get back to my Monday house-wife duties… I hope everyone has a wonderful and short work week!

“Dear washer and dryer, I have placed the laundry basket full of clothes on top of you with the hope it would be washed, dried, ironed, folded, and hung by the time I am done blogging. Thank you!”

Buli

This is a picture I found on a Dallas Observer site. Unfortunately, I wasn't armed with a camera and the camera on my phone has stopped working. Maybe due to too much dropping!



Today I decided to come to Buli to do my writing. Buli is a coffee shop in what we call the “gayborhood.” I don’t often frequent the “gayborhood,” but I do have moments that pull me to it. I love it. It’s very eclectic with its mixture of shops and eateries. During the day it’s quiet and, you wouldn’t know it was the “gayborhood” except for the rainbow flags flying from the corner posts. The wife and I don’t agree with the flying of the rainbow flag, but it does add more color, making it bright and cheerful… happily gay, ya know?!Evenings are a different story. On a weekend night, the bars are open and bursting forth. You’ll see drag queens that actually do their make-up better than I ever could… oh and let’s not discuss how much better than me they look in their mini dresses. Anyway… I love the atmosphere, I love Buli, and I love people watching while I try to come up with something funny and creative for my book.

Today I’m sitting outside because though it is overcast, the temperature is beautiful! I’ve been watching the people come and go and have come to the conclusion that Buli is more of a gay-man hang out now. I felt odd being the only woman here. I’m not the only woman now. As the surrounding businesses are taking their lunches, the crowd is beginning to have some diversity. Oh and you can just call me Mary Poppins now. While sitting here, birds have been landing on the empty chairs at my table chirping away. So, I fed them, and now there’s a whole “crowd” of birds hopping around on the ground. Oh… and now a pidgeon! I may burst forth with song at any moment!

I hope everyone has a wonderful day, and a safe, happy weekend!

My babies!

Yes, I bought the dogs a toy hamster. They really didn't know what to think about it!

Do you smell it?

Ahhhh, this Texas weather is really getting to me. YES, I know… I’m from here, I’ve lived here most of my life, so I should be used to this stuff! I’m not. I love spring … we didn’t really have one this year. This year I took over the planting of the flowers in our yard. This was not a small undertaking, but I just could not see paying the gardener when it's something I love doing(he can keep mowing though!). Plus, I wanted to make the decisions about what went in. So, I planted. I planted for our neighbor as well! Everything was beautiful until May 1st. That's when the temperatures began hitting 100 degress or above and it has since been relentless. I pulled my poor flowers yesterday... which took forever. I'm hoping Fall temps will hit soon so I can get my pansies in, but I am REALLY looking forward to Fall regardless! Pumpkin pies, roasting pumpkin seeds, homemade applesauce, and the smell of other good things cooking! Windows open to a slow, crisp breeze, the sounds of football in the background, and “snack food” Saturdays… or Sundays now. I was never really into pro football, so we would have our big football watching days on Saturday. We LOVE the Auburn Tigers and Texas Aggies! This Friday is “wear your colors proud day,” by the way! Anyway, the wife loves her Cowboys, so “snack food” days have been moved to Sundays.

Tomorrow, the wife’s company has its first softball game of the fall season. I started out playing the summer season, but I was HORRIBLE, so I begged to be left off the roster and made friends with the people in the stands. Don’t get me wrong, the whole team was comparable to the Bad News Bears. We had a few token players… the young guys and one college girl. We had the cute gay man who ran the bases screaming with his arms flailing (Hey, he hit the ball, he can do as he pleases!). Regardless, they improved greatly and came in third place in the league! This was quite impressive for a team that had only just begun. My hope is they do just as well this season… we’ve lost the college girl to college and I am now playing. It will be fun… uh huh. I can do this! ::sigh:: If you don’t get another blog for awhile, it’s probably because I broke something trying to be sporty!

Happy Fall, just in case? ;) What's your favorite season?

RIP Santa Clause

We attended a high school football game in the town we lived in before we moved to Dallas. It was good seeing a few of the people I once worked with and parents’ of the children I taught. Our girl wanted to watch the boy she has a crush on play football. He was the kicker, and I must say, he did a great job!

We found crush-boy’s mom during the 4th quarter and moved to sit closer to them. This woman is actually the aunt and she is raising all of her brother’s kid due to personal issues. The youngest is 6 years old and is quite precocious. I was showing her how to use the iPad when she looked at me quite seriously and said “Did you know Santa Clause died?” Now please picture a cute little white-blonde child with blue eyes and glasses. I asked her who told her that and she said no one did… that she just knows. She then told me Rudolph died too. I asked her when all of this happened and she said “Ummmm, in 2007!”

So, this blog is in memory of Santa Clause and Rudolph who have apparently been gone since 2007. I am so saddened by this loss as this Christmas I was planning on asking for something spectacular! Oh well… We will miss you Santa and Rudolph!!

Phone Conversation-It's the simple Things

Phone conversation:

Wife: I’m leaving Austin now… I’ll make my usual stop for gasoline and restroom break and should be home in a few hours.

Me: Okay, be safe. OH, and will you get me a 3 Musketeer bar?

Wife: A 3 Musketeer? Baby, really? It’s late.

Me: I didn’t say I would eat it tonight.

Wife: If you aren’t eating it tonight, then why do you want me to get it?

Me: Well, I might eat it tonight or I might put it in the bedside table. Sometimes it feels good to have it there just in case.

Wife: The bedside table? What’s in the bedside table now?

Me: Nothing baby… that’s why I want the 3 Musketeer… and it’s low fat! Only 6 grams and 60 calories!

Wife: What was in the bedside table then?

Me: Honnneeeyyyy, does it really matter? The point is, right now there is nothing in there except the usual stuff.

Wife: What was in there before baby?

Me: Ughhh… okay I had a small teeny package of oreos, peanut m&m’s, and a Reeses Peanut butter cup. BUT, it took me days to go through that

Wife: Hmmm… Okay, but I do NOT want to hear it when you start to feel guilty for eating this stuff!

Me: Well, you know you’ll hear it eventually, but you willwith anything I eat. May as well be worth it!

Wife: Okay then… I love you and will see you in a few hours.

Me: I lovvvvvvveeee you too!

The human side...

Hello out there in Blogland… that word combination has totally confused my Microsoft program!

Blogs have been few and far between while I’ve been getting re-acquainted with lesson planning. My brain is so strange lately (meaning I can only focus on one thing at a time).

SO, I wanted to discuss blogs and their purpose. Why do we do it? Why do I do it?
I created my blog for one reason and honestly it wasn’t intended to be a diary of my insecurities, yet at times, that is exactly what it is. I share feelings that would perhaps be more fitting in a personal diary, but the feedback I get when I’m having a rough time of it, really helps. You never know, maybe someone just like me is reading it and feeling a bit better because they are also being helped. Maybe!

My blog purpose was simple… I wanted to show people that though we are not the typical family (two women raising kids, dogs, and a cat), we are just like other families (maybe even yours) in so many ways. We love, we laugh, we play, we disagree, we cause and rid insecurities within each other, we want our kids to have the best of everything and we want to be recognized as the wonderful people we can be.

The reason I’m stating my blog purpose is because I’m about to step away once again, and venture into something I’ve avoided. I haven’t wanted to put anyone off, but no worries, this will be a one-time thing. It’s just something to think about.

The Rights of Others:

I carefully watch and read everything when it comes to gay/lesbian rights, activities, blah, blah, blah. There are times when I’ll hold onto a story for weeks before I read it because I know what type of reaction I’ll have. This is no way to live… it’s hard to read stories about couples who have been torn apart due to lack of rights… one man missed his partner’s last days due to a hospital decision to keep them apart because they weren’t “family.” Those men were together for over 20 years (maybe longer?). Gays/lesbians aren’t allowed to foster children in some states, they can’t adopt in others. There are so many children out there in the foster care system, and there are people who believe they are better off there than with gays/lesbians. The average Joe off the street can vote on whether or not Gays/lesbians can marry. Why is this acceptable? Why should someone who has no idea who I am, have the right tell me who I can marry? Why does a stranger get the right to push their idea of morality on me, yet I don’t get the right to marry who I choose?

So, I read the stories… the fights, the hate-crimes, the injustice and inhumane treatment that can never be corrected or taken back. I read the studies that have been manipulated to fit the needs of the person conducting them… the bible quotes that are also manipulated to fit the needs of the “followers…” followers, not true Christians… I read all of it, and I hurt. I hurt because I just want to be treated with kindness and respect. I want my family to be recognized as the beautiful, amazing people we are and not judged and condemned because we don’t believe and live as “you” (used universally) live.

We’re human and we’re good, we love each other, and there is nothing we wouldn’t do to help a fellow neighbor/friend. God doesn’t hate us… at least not our God. I would never worship a God that encouraged hate among the followers. God is about love,peace, giving more than you receive, and learning to find your way when you’ve gone astray. I don’t think God hates that the way we’ve finally found has led us to a true and endearing love.

The End ;)

It's alive, It's alive!

Back to work, back to school, back to home-cooked meals, back to scheduled laundry days, scheduled grocery days,and back to routine. I'm a creature of habit. I like my habits, I like my routine, I like my life when the boat is steadily rocking to a beat I've created!

It creates a sense of relief and sends a calm through the air that I cannot blog into reality, or ingest in the form of a pill. It's a calm that comes with plain, boring, predictability. I LOVE it... call me boring, tell me I have no sense of adventure... I don't care. THIS feels good!

The kids went back to school Monday and I have gone to work teaching kindergarten. I only work half days which is wonderful all by itself, but this is the most amazingly stress free job I've ever had. I know, I know.. I've only been doing it for a few days, but these kids are so well behaved and so far ahead of the game, that I'm able to create a learning environment that is relaxing and fun. They will go far this year!!

As for my own children, I'm having a huge amount of guilt for not taking their pictures their first day of school. I think this is the first year I haven't done that! Now please remember they are in 7th and 11th grade, but still, I've been remiss. I also didn't follow the tradition of making them a special after school treat on their first day of school, though I think I know the reasoning behind that one. I was desperate to get that after-school routine set. We get home around 12:30, they make their own lunch and do their homework while I write, lesson plan, and take care of my house-wife duties. We all meet up again around 4:30 or 5 when I head down to cook dinner. We eat together, play a game or watch some favorite television shows together, and then we all head to our bedrooms around 10. It's perfect... it's working, and I figure I'll make a special treat when they get back
from their dad's house Sunday night.

Now I suppose I should go. I want to get a few minutes of peaceful rest in before we head to Fort Worth. We're meeting two friends for dinner. This has been a great week because we were able to spend time with two other friends last night as well! I hope everyone has a terrific Thursday evening!

On Religion

Okay, so maybe this will be a no-no type of blog because so many people have such strong beliefs, but keep in mind when I blog this, I'm not attacking God, I'm not discounting the importance of a higher being... I'm just blogging out the strife that exists in a household with four people who go different directions when it comes to beliefs.

I believe. I try to live a good life. I want to give back more than I get and there are times I do and times I don't. I was going to church but it's not been a regular routine. I really don't want to go to church. I can pray (and I have), I can believe (and I do), and I can live the right way without going in to a building and being preached to.There are times I have a desire to go to church to meet others and to participate in different activities such as Habitat for Humanity projects.

I do admit that my aversion toward the followers hasn't been as "hidden" as it should. Meaning my kids... The girl really hasn't been touched by my aversion. She wants to go to church and I encourage it. I want her in a youth group, meeting kids her own age, going on mission trips, and "finding" herself (if she thinks church will help with this). I want the same for the boy, but he unfortunately has combined my aversion toward the followers with his fathers non-belief and I can't accept that. SO he gets mixed messages.

The wife believes the typical creation theory and having Jesus Christ in your heart... okay, so he's in your heart... is he in your life? Do you ask yourself every day "What would Jesus do?" Because as a person who tries hard to avoid hypocrisy, I'm going to be honest and say no... I don't ask myself that. No one can do exactly what Jesus would do. If there was a homeless person on the street and I did what Jesus would do and took him in, I would be putting myself and my family in danger. So no... I dont DWJWD at all times.Do I believe Jesus to be the son of God... I believe he was someone very special and that it's a strong possibility. For him to have spread the word and touched as many people as he did in a time with no internet, no mail, and no way to communicate without setting out on foot... it amazes me. I don't discount that.

I believe in a higher being... I have faith(I have so much faith), I also believe in evolution. We're evolving everyday. Evolution takes thousands of years. We won't "see" it. It's science... I LOVE science because it solves the puzzles of life. Life is a puzzle. I don't think all of this came from two people,and then again ONE family... you know after God flooded the world and started over with a male and female of everything and ONE family. So because I haven't delved deeply enough into this, I can't tell you where that puts me on the spectrum of believers as far as others go. I have no idea. All I know for sure is that I cannot have my son go around thinking he's an athiest or agnostic.

Seriously... I didn't raise him like that. I worked in a church for 10 years and they attended regularly. I started taking them to another church when he was 8 and even back then he was telling me I was pushing my religious beliefs on him. I told him then and I told him last night that he doesn't have the experience to base any type of belief or non-belief on. The problem is, he thinks Christians are hypocrits. I'll give him that... but he's lumping a group of people, and as I've explained to him, that's not fair. He's taking a group and lumping them into one point of view... I told him that this is what people do to his family. He said yes... "That's what Christians do to our family." So there you have it.

My dilemma now is to decide whether I should make him go to church. Maybe I should take him to different places of worship... Christian, Buddhism, something different? I don't want him to go through life not knowing what it's like to have faith in something higher. That's his father. I want more for my son. He's bright, and funny, and has so much potential. Is it wrong of me to want him to have faith in a higher being?

SO all of this is coming from what I guess was a major discussion last night on the way home from the school. My daughter wants to go to church, Gabe says he's an athiest and the wife starts talking about creationism which set me off. SO now the wife is mad because I told her that she needed to live a Christian life if she was going to be spouting that stuff. Basically I called her a hypocrit in front ofthe kids which I shouldn't have done, but I've got a kid in the back seat who doesn't believe and the creationism talk isn't going to help at all with him. He's a facts and figures kid. Creationism doesn't add up giving him more reason to NOT believe. I was frustrated!!!! So, I'm sorry for calling her that. It was wrong... she doesn't walk around preaching what she doesn't do herself. I just kept asking her to stop talking about it and she wouldn't.The girl will go along with whatever the wife says, so I never have any worries about her as far as that goes. If I thought for a second that the boy would take to creationism, then I'm all for it. I don't want him to believe what I believe, I just want him to believe in something.

I wanna be... Imma Be

I wanna be a billionaire... Well, maybe I'd settle for a star. You know, famous... like the guy who sings the billionaire song (me not knowing his name doesn't make him less famous... I'm not in the loop so to speak). I know Fergie sings "Imma Be" because she's a hot commodity in our house.

Anyway... Last night we took the kids to the American Idol concert tour. The girl loved it, the boy had fun. One of the singers had his whole family sitting right behind us, and what was so funny about that was that people were coming up and asking the family members for their autographs. Not just kids, but adults too!

I enjoyed watching this group of about seven 12 year olds. Every time one of the singers came to the end of the stage or the cameraman rolled his camera their way, they'd all scream in their high pitched way and wave crazily. I started talking to the mom who brought them and she said she couldn't get another parent to come along with them. I think that's pretty sad because they had such a great time. What parent wouldn't want to share that with their child and their child's friends? I have to give that mom kudos. Those kids will remember that for a long time. My kids enjoyed it but I think my daughter will remember her birthday gift of Lady GaGa tickets longer than the American Idol concert, and the boy... I don't know. I'm not sure we've impressed him thus far with the concerts we've taken him to. I do know he really enjoyed The Lion King in New York though, so I guess that's something!

Okay, time for me to get to bed. I spent the day getting my classroom ready... Just a few more things to wrap up for tomorrow then I'm ready for next week!!




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

My Family

More peaceful times:



I love my family and realized I very rarely blog about them. I think my blog has become a forum for my emotions because the only time I write is when I’m pms’ing or when the wife is out of town (which seems to bring on a whole different type of pms).

It’s time for a change. The wife is sitting right next to me and thankfully I am NOT pms’ing right now. It seems like menopause has made pms ten thousand times worse (I’m sure the wife would agree ). Anyway, tonight I’m blogging about my family. How can I not. They are so comedic. If I could blog most of what goes on around here, I would have quite the following!

Tonight, I’ll share a few quotes…

On safety as spoken by the wife: "Sweetheart, I'm NOT pulling off the highway in Oak Cliff so the dog can go to the restroom. Let’s try to distract her ( starts baby talking to dog).

On friendship as spoken by myself: "Honeyyyy, we don't threaten our friends with bats. Is this why no one calls me?"

On Life as spoken by the girl: "I go by the book, the good book, you know… the bible(said in extremely southern accent).

On reverse de ja vue as spoken by the boy. “Wow, I feel like I’ve never done this before.”

Now for a funny story…
The wife and I agreed to keep a friend’s dog for her while they were out of town. Keep in mind, we already have three dogs. .. a very old one, a very loud one, and a very small one. Oh, and let’s not forget the cat. We can’t forget the major player in the chaos that ensued! So, Abby gets dropped off at our house while the wife is out to dinner with a new employee. There was chaos because as soon as our friend left, Abby started barking (I’ve discovered that dogs really are like children). Callie May started barking louder and Calvin joined in just because he’s deaf and had no idea what was happening. All the while Tallulah Jane was jumping around all of them like a little rabbit.

Later in the evening, the wife is trying to get ready for bed. While she’s changing, she is reassuring me things will calm down once the dogs adjust to each other. Right about this time, the cat wanders in to the bedroom. Abby goes nuts barking, the cat starts screaming, Callie,Tallulah,and Abby are jumping around like crazy and the wife suddenly yells “Look Abby, a naked woman!” She then proceeds to jump up and down. I can honestly tell you that I actually think it worked. My mouth dropped open, and the dogs stopped barking. Then I recovered…. “Honnnneyy?!?!? Why don’t you jump around like that for me?”These are the kinds of things we do out of desperation for peace I guess!

Cafe Brazil Gossip

I had to escape the craziness of the house for awhile so I thought I’d try Café Brazil out. I want to see how productive I can be here. So far I’ve gotten all kinds of stuff to blog about, but have yet to work on my current writing project. I think I’m a bit over-stimulated… I’m drinking Dr. Pepper which I try to stay away from and listening to about ten different conversations at once… my mind is spinning!!

As soon as I got here I noticed the very odd family sitting next to me. I couldn’t help it… the little boy started screaming because he dripped water on himself and he wouldn’t stop because he could still see it on his shirt. He needs a bit of therapeutic intervention which is something my business idea could provide to him if it were to come to fruition! I guess his daddy gave him a bit of therapy. He picked him up by his arm along with his sister (I’m not sure what I missed there) and carried them both out. The little boy was biting at his dad’s pant leg on the way out.

In the meantime, the waitress is seating a couple next to me. The man is very loud. The first thing he says is that he’s glad they didn’t seat them on the other side because “those two ladies scared him.” I looked over and wanted to tell him he was no portrait of beauty himself. I refrained, but wouldn’t life be more exciting if you could just let it all out? Seriously, I bet I’d have a whole different type of blog!
So the man continues to be obnoxious, the kids come back in with their dad but the boy is dragged back out again, and the mother of the kids shushes the girls with her hand… and yells at them to lower the volume. My brain is totally fried now, BUT the wife is joining me and this makes me very happy!

Comment Response :)

I decided to blog my response to the comment on my last blog because I do tend to rattle on at times. Much too much for a comment response!

We just got a new car… a red convertible, creamy leather interior, all the bells and whistles. The wife calls it her midlife crisis… I think this is what I’m having…a midlife crisis. I’ve come to this conclusion after reading Anita’s comment, talking to others around my age, and remembering how happy I am doing what I’m doing. I love being home. Most of the time I resent anything that takes me away from home. Just the other day I was complaining about an ice cream social the school is having that I must attend because I’m teaching there. It will take me away from my family.

The wife started working from home so we would have more time together. Now granted she’s working, but we’re still here together. Most people would think all of this togetherness is a bit much, but when you’ve waited as long as we have for family, love, and happiness… it’s just perfect. Plus she does travel and when she’s “on” at work, she is truly “on.” Meaning, I may not see her for days, or if she’s in town but going in to the office, I won’t see her until late evening.

It’s silly because there are two reasons as to why I feel this “need” for a title? Or something like that…

*Reason 1: I’m competitive. I look at where I am in life as far as money/career and I compare it to my wife who is so very successful. She always has been. She works very hard and deserves everything good that comes from all of that. I don’t want her totally burdened with the stress of being the only financial support for our family. We aren’t hurting but we’ve got the kids in a private school… we eat, etc. ;) I’m not sure I’d feel the same way if she were a man which is just plain dumb because I am so happy she is who she is.

*Reason 2: I care about what people think. The majority of people don’t take a relationship such as ours serious enough to accept that I am a house-wife to a wife. Most of the time lack of acceptance doesn’t bother me because I love being home. I love taking care of her and being here for the kids. I do have two friends who have been very supportive of my position as a housewife. They totally get it!

There is very little turmoil within our relationship. Most of it swirls around in my head and it’s usually when I’m pms’ing or when she’s very wrapped up in work and travels. She does let me know how appreciated I am and she’s very good at surprising me with trips, excellent concert tickets, or just a slow dance in the middle of the afternoon (when she’s home). Not to mention her patience with my seemingly always sick stomach.

So with that being said… I am working hard to “snap out of it.” :) The wife is right… there is nothing in my life that should drive me into the closet. I told her when she got home the other day that I was having a “closet” day. Long ago I would sit in the closet because that’s where I felt safe. As an adult, I would go into the closet during storms, or if I wasn’t sleeping at night (so I could write without disturbing anyone). I’ll be honest though… I really think writing in the closet would work for me. I don’t think the wife would feel good about it though due to my past use of closets. She may take it wrong, and really our closet has no space. I could write in the guest/ghost room, but I may start having bad dreams. A friend suggested making Starbucks my place of choice for writing and go there every day just as I would a job. I think this is an excellent idea and one I will put into action when I’ve got everyone settled into their school year routine!

Importance

On importance:
I’ve woken up in quite the mood today, but I can’t say it’s producing an array of different thoughts. Thoughts that will get me motivated, I mean. I have to say one thing… I’m not so sure it’s good for me to read people’s blogs who think the way I do, because it does at times validate my feelings, which leaves me with no motivation to change them! I’m talking about the fear of failure which creates lack of trying. I know I’m holding myself back from a LOT of things! Not just writing… but other things as well. I have so many ideas… so many “needs.” Yet I do nothing but procrastinate. I see the wife going to conferences, wheeling and dealing, answering emails all hours of the day… important stuff. I NEED something like that, but what and how? I enjoy being home and taking care of my family. My part-time teaching job will allow me the ability to be home most of the time. I honestly don’t want to be away from home. Am I becoming a recluse? I’m a seriously social person, but lately… it’s quite the emotional upheaval when I leave the house to go visiting others or to go to work. Make note, no one really knows of this upheaval but me. I’m very good at hiding things that go on within. Well, facial expressions will get me at times, but that has nothing to do with my own upheavals!
I think if I really get down to the bottom of things, I can say I operate out of fear. I love being home, the wife loves me being home, but for how long? How long before she gets bored with me basically doing nothing important? I mean, I take care of her… but she can easily do this stuff herself, or she can hire someone. She could travel more without me (or without feeling guilty for leaving me here taking care of animals who are NOT fun to take care of), she could meet someone who is just as focused and successful in business as she is therefore adding to the money, the travel, the nice things that she loves. ::sigh:: Take this morning for instance… she asked me what I had to do today… “Umm, laundry (thinking really hard) and small grocery shopping, taking the boy to tennis tonight, going to a friend’s house?” Nothing important… no big deals, hob knobbing, no dealing with someone on a daily basis that drives the wife’s jealousy levels to great proportions. ::ahem:: No money making, just money spending on things she won’t even eat because this week will have her out eating every night for business. I guess I could write tonight… I actually have something I’ve been working on. Who knowwwwws!
SO…I go back and forth on what I think want to do, what I think I need to do, and what I’m doing. There are times I want to go out and get a job that will have me working as much as she does, traveling, night time dinner meetings, emails back and forth before I go to bed… not because I want to do it, but because she does it and maybe that’s what I need to do or maybe that’s what she needs me to do, or maybe she just needs to know what it’s like on this side of things. What I want to do is what I’m doing… take care of my family, take care of my wife. Plan things, keep things organized, keep the peace, and try to at least keep her personal life as stress free as possible. I’ll tell you what’s freaking me out about this and I know it’s nuts, but it’s honest. Melissa Etheridge… very successful, amazing talent, LOVES what she does. Wife, gives up everything, takes care of Melissa, travels with her, they have kids, they break up. Wife (according to her blogs… Hollywood Farm Girl) is hurting... taking care of the kids, and dealing with a life that has been turned upside down. Melissa is traveling, singing, doing what she’s always done. Her life really hasn’t changed with our without her family. Scary stuff… how my life would change and how would I pull myself out of it? I wouldn’t be doing the same thing I’ve always done, because I’ve been taking care of her, loving her.
That’s the problem with same sex couples. There are very few life-long couples. They seem to move on when things get difficult, when restlessness sets in, when it suits them. I hate that and try not to spend too much time looking at statistics. I often wonder if it would be different if it weren’t considered taboo… If we were taken seriously would we look at our relationships seriously? More so than we do?
So anyway, I get this job offer and think, woohoo! I’ll have something that maybe I can discuss with the wife. That gets me out doing something respectful. I was excited about this teaching job. I was excited until yesterday… I have 1 student. 1!!!! What on earth am I going to do with one little girl for 2 ½ hours every day. That’s not kindergarten, it’s private tutoring. I can do that at home and for way less money than what this parent is going to be paying the school. I don’t know, maybe I’ll get more kids as time goes by. I hope… but I’ve committed to them, so I’m in it for better or worse. I’m also going to sign up for golf lessons, (keep practicing tennis), volunteer at a kids shelter, and talk to a friend about a business plan. I swear to myself I will do these things. I swear on my Tallulah ;-)!! Thanks for reading my pitiful blog/venting. I’m really very “talkative” during pms!!!

Quick Updates!

We've been going and blowing since we've returned from our trip which has left me no time to actually blog anything! Because of this, I'm going to bullet point a few items!

* I was offered a teaching position at my kids school. I was originally offered 1st grade, but since I can only work a half day,we decided on kindergarten instead. (I have mini panic attacks when I realize I'm going to be teaching again!)

* The kids will return from their dad's on Monday... woohoo!

* I have made it a point to read others' blogs and I want to thank everyone whose blog I read for the insights. I see people wanting to do the same things I want to do, like change their blog names, write about more interesting things, get rid of the fear that keeps them from achieving success, etc etc. Plus I can always relate to different life events and beliefs... :)

* I want to thank everyone for their comments. I always respond to them on my own blog, but I know it doesn't send a message telling people this, so I want to make sure everyone knows this. I appreciate all comments!

* I WILL blog more tomorrow!!!

Have a good night everyone!

Pictures from Big Sur/San Fran!

I just wantd to get some pictures from my trip posted. I didn't post too many because I was worried it wouldn't work... but these pretty much sum things up. Loved this trip!! :)

The computer has stepped out...

All I'm going to say is computer viruses are not fun!! I was going to post pictures of the trip but alas my computer has fallen victim to a virus of unknown origins. Hopefully Data Doctors will figure it out and have me up and running again soon! I'm really hoping the virus didn't come from a Facebook app... I only play on one app and that would be just horrible!!!!

The good news is I've started writing and though it's origins are dark (I'm attempting comedy inserts) I really think it will work. I'm excited!!!!

So, I'm now sitting at Cafe Brazil (love this place) blogging and getting ready to go watch a friend get a tattoo. I personally don't have any, but I'm morbidly curious about the whole process. The wife has threatened divorce should I get one... She has no worries... Pain and the thought of elderly skin with a tattoo keeps me on the goody two shoes path.

Anyway... My pancrepes are here now, so off I go!!!


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Lucky!!

I don't know how to title this blog... Lucky... It's how I feel. It's how I feel every day when I wake up with no pain or illness. It's how I feel when I run up to Starbucks for our coffee or when I'm throwing laundry in the wash for the wife. Lucky is how I feel when I look over at the wife and find her smiling at me or acting goofy to bring me out of my pms'y moods. Lucky is how I feel right now as I sit in our beautiful hotel room that sits between Big Sur and Carmel. The ocean view is heaven to me. The weather is cool enough in the evenings for a fire and warm enough during the day for the beach. Amazing... Heaven!!

The wife surprised me with a trip... A better trip than it would be had I gone on a business trip with her. Better because we have time together... We rented a spider convertible and drove up (or is it down?) from San Fran. We've explored these past few days and it's been wonderful. As soon as we made it into our amazing room the wife crawled into the big comfy bed for a nap and I took an hour long bubble bath. Now Im writing, enjoying the smell of the fire, and the view of the ocean and pines while she sleeps.... It's so amazingly peaceful.


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Running on empty!

Still PMS'ing

Not happy that I can't bring myself to write the blog I promised I would write next. You know, the one that would simply list some of my childhood memories.

Frustrated with myself for this blah feeling and a bit confused too. I woke up pretty grumpy and was perfectly content with that. I decided to get some sun hoping the heat would suck some of that grumpiness away like it does my energy. It didn't happen. I stayed grumpy and that suddenly turned into "blah." I'm not going to analyze this because I figure I'm just experiencing some form of petulance. Yes, I am quite capable of that.

Completely beside myself for having a coke and eating two or three brownies. I won't be stepping on that scale again until I can gain some control over myself. I'm sitting here contemplating having another brownie right now! Or maybe a trip to a 24 hour Starbucks. I guess it's good that doesn't exist. Does it?

Getting up early tomorrow. I have to pick the boy-child up for an early morning test. The girl-child will come along too of course and we'll hang onto her until Wednesday afternoon. Her 16th birthday is Wednesday so we'll go to lunch and perhaps a movie. We bought her a very special present (not a car because she hasn't yet gotten a permit and we aren't ready for her to drive. The wife's mother brought her an even better present than what we're giving her. I always pictured her 16th a little different... filled with friends, a huge party, and such, but that's not meant to be. Probably not for either one of our kids. The girl-child literally has no friends (her own fault)... though there are tons of boys in the wings who we won't let her date. The boy has friends but prefers not to have attention drawn to him in a party type of situation.

Hoping for a good night of solid sleep and a pleasant, happy feeling tomorrow.

"Closing my eyes and mentally shaking things away..."

Excuses

It’s been a few days since I’ve blogged and there are very good reasons for that. Well, maybe not very good, but… okay… I have excuses.

My excuses:

1.I was spending as much time with the kids as I could. They left to be with their dad for a month and I wanted to be sure to get in some good quality time. Now I realize that cleaning the house, running errands and such may not equal quality time, but it gets them out of their rooms and we’re actually communicating a little. I’ll see them on Tuesday because the boy has to go take a test. His school wants to advance him a grade in math, but they need to make sure he’s ready for that. Then I’ll see them on Wednesday because it’s my daughters 16th birthday. Then we’ll see them again on the 17th and 18th because we have company picnics. SO, it won’t be too bad.

2.I have writers' block. I told the wife I was going to closet myself and just write. I told her I hadn’t written anything good in awhile, and umm, unfortunately she agreed. Then she says it’s because I’m not happy. I think the problem is actually the opposite of that. I write well when I’m struggling with something. Make me happy and I’m a freakin’ blank slate. I’m glad the wife doesn’t lie to me, but it makes it a bit harder to sit down and blog because I feel like everything is so mundane. Seriously though, if I could blog everything I wanted to, it would be anything but mundane. Unfortunately I am censored and I get it.

3.I have been totally nuts lately. I’m not kidding. It’s PMS, but if you’re one who doesn’t believe in that type of thing then call it what you want. It’s not pleasant. I have been a whirlwind of emotional insecurity these past 4 days. “I’m a horrible parent…” “I’m boring and uninteresting for the wife…” “I can’t do anything right…” “I’m fat…” Seriously, I’m making myself crazy and then… THEN I worry that I’m pushing the wife away with all of this insecurity and that just piles more of the same on… ughhhh!!! Because in my head I’m trying to reason THAT one out… “Well she gets PMS…” “She has issues going on too that could possibly make me crazy…” Then I go through that list in my head which makes me circle back to “I’m BORING…” OH my God… see what I mean? It’s nuts! (I personally find this to be the best excuse since it is playing out at this very moment!)

Those are my excuses. Here’s what I’m going to do next.

1.I am still planning on working on my Docublog. It will be slow because I want it to be good. I have ideas floating around and am meeting with my friend on Tuesday to kick some things around.

2.I’m going to take my own advice. I’m “helping” a girl who has just gone through a break-up. I’m good at this, but I have no “license.” Anyway, I told this girl to write her story… her life. I wanted to read it before I tried to “help” her. I’ve decided that I too will write my story. Now I’ve done this before and had a ton of subscribers on Myspace. I have since stopped using Myspace, but I did walk away with some advice. I just don’t know that I can follow it. A friend of mine told me that you have to be able to look at the bad things with humor. That you’ll know you’ve truly let go of things when you can laughingly write about it and have people laugh with you. I can’t find humor in my past. I figure the first blog will list random memories which may be good or bad. Whichever comes to mind first… bear with me if you happen to be reading this. I’m hoping it will help me get a grip on the whirlwind inside of me right now. I may actually get it posted directly after this one if the wife doesn’t come to bed soon. She’s visiting with her mother downstairs.

This is all I’ve got… my excuses and my plan. SO here we go!